Working parent struggling with anxiety

[livetransmission]

I’m really struggling with my MH right now, I don’t know where to start, I’ve 2 DCs one is 4 and one is 1 year next week. I went back to work 7 weeks ago. It’s a professional role but there's no central office so I work from home 3 days a week. I also do some freelance bits on the side and I’m doing a part time masters. I just feel overwhelmed with it all, I’ve had an awful week, work has been intensely busy and on I had to have the family pet PTS as she was very ill. I have just taken the kids to a playgroup we sometimes go to and it was so crowded and hot I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I didn’t want to go and speak to anyone but I forced myself to take them as the 4 year old wanted to go. It's my day off but I'm still checking my emails and dealing with urgent stuff as if I don't I will have to deal with the fallout on Monday. I have to work tomorrow as I took some freelance work on. I feel like all I do is work or chores, there's nothing else and I'm just not enjoying my life anymore. The only time I feel happy is with my DCs and I have fun with them but inside I just feel like I’ve been tensed up for so long I can’t remember what it is like to feel normal and have this sick feeling in my stomach all the time. I just don’t know what my role is anymore, it feels like it’s all out of my control and I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, maybe just someone else who works PT and has kids who feels this way, like I’m trying to do everything and failing at it all? The constant guilt is crushing me, I seriously don’t know what to do for the best.

I know exactly how you feel! Constant stress about what is happening/has happened/ might happen. Guilt trip no matter what you do with the children. Frustration that there is no ME time. Do you have much support? Could you arrange a night out once a month? I don’t have any great advice so I hope someone else does but hang in there, you’re definitely not alone in how you’re feeling.

It is very hard being a parent when we suffer from anxiety isn't it. I have General Anxiety Disorder according to the GP yesterday. I have had to go back on the antidepressants. I am not at all depressed but have been waking up 3 am for the past 8 weeks or so. He said as I am on the spectrum I need to take the tablets again.

I have been on them years but being as ds is now 14 and I know I don't have depressions any longer I had honestly hoped I could remain off them however this is not the case. Since stopping them over Jan/Feb I have slowly been struggling with hyperanxiety and he has advised me to stay on them no matter what.

Would you go to the GP at all? I do appreciate their bedside manner is somoewhat hit and miss. The man yesterday was a locum GP he was ace. Sometimes the locums are better than the regular GP's. He wasn't overly snotty and condescending.

He said our bodies are designed to live until about 30 but once we are over 40 we need more and more tablets. I guess he sees a lot of people over 40 who need meds!

I work 3 days a week self-employed and have been raising ds on my own since 5 months with no family support and a very distant ex. Just to give you a bit of background.

You may need a mild dose tablet to help with the transition back to the workplace maybe? The children are extremely young after all and your mind is naturally on overload readjusting back to work mode.

Thanks for your replies, I've been on sertraline after my first was born but not sure I want to go back on meds, as coming off them was quite unpleasant and although I felt less anxious I also couldn't feel much else. I know exercise would help, I would love to have time and energy for the gym or yoga but I'm just exhausted all the time and don't know when I'd find time. I just want to feel normal again and be able to enjoy things like I used to.

Ft working parent here. It is exhausting at first but sometimes when life is too hard and complicated I've found it useful to write it all down and drop or change something. Whether that's outside school activities or your studies for the moment or work an extra day since you're doing the work anyway. Not sure what would work in your specific set up but it sounds like you have a lot on which is probably overwhelming you?

I remember when ds was quite small still a health nurse suggested I run up and down the stairs for aerobic exercise as a strategy for busy mums to get some wellbeing. When we cannot go out perhaps 10 minutes of that several days a week would help?

I feel the same. I've posted a thread almost identical to yours. For me, it's when there is too much going on in life and it feels cluttered. I was supposed to see a friend today but felt too anxious and pent up at having something else "to do" that I have cancelled and I'm currently in bed whilst the DCs have gone food shopping with DH. I'm sure it would have been beneficial for me to go in many ways, but I'm too tired to deal with my anxiety at leaving the house and being out of the house.
I have to work tomorrow too (freelance) and I am genuinely considering cancelling it as I feel like I'm going to burn out with the overwhelm of being so many different things to so many people.

Choo I hear you, it's burnout. It's being in control of so many things. My DH is good and emotionally supportive but he doesn't grasp the mental load of all the mundane but essential tasks that need doing everyday. He'll put a wash on or take the bins out if I ask for example but It's keeping on top of it all that's draining, and with work etc on top I just feel like so many people just need things from me - time, energy and there's none left for me at the end of the day and no one can see or cares how much I'm struggling. Especially as I'm sleep deprived still from getting up with my littlest DC and I'm finding it hard emotionally now mat leave is over as he's most likely our last baby so it's like I'm in mourning that the baby nurturing period of my life is over 😢

I empathise completely. The mental load is so tough when you're carrying the weight of a household whilst working. I'm trying to get DH to take more ownership but its tough in itself. Mine has had to ramp up the amount of things he does on my return to work and tbh, hes not managing well with it, which makes his role a burden for me too as I find myself helping him instead of working upstairs at times.

I feel the same grief post maternity leave as I've also just had my second and last baby. It's a weird feeling isn't it and it seems to go even faster the second time over x

OP, why did you take on freelance work on top of your full-time job? It's too much. Caring for young children, sleep deprivation, studying at the same time, a full time job and more work on top. Can you see that is too much? For anyone.
Dropping some of these - putting your studies on hold for a year and dropping the additional freelance work wouldn't be failure, it would be progress. I suggest you do that immediately OP. You'll start to feel better immediately.

Yes Choo it goes so fast and I keep thinking about all the stuff I should have done with him on mat leave and feel like I should have made more of that time as it seems like I had so much more time with my first DC.

DH has a long commute and gets back late. He's in a senior role and has a lot of responsibility As I'm the one working from home I naturally end up doing more house stuff plus all the drop offs/ pick ups. It's just exhausting.

I've taken freelance work as frankly we could do with the extra money. I've already taken a year out of the masters while I was pregnant/ first few months of DS being born. I have finished the taught modules but have to do my dissertation. Possibly I could get an extension but will probably need a note from the GP.

Anyway I'm feeling a bit better today, last week was just a perfect storm of shit!