Sorry for the long post.
I'm really at a loss about what to do and am hoping others can advise.
I got married a few years back and in the past 18 months, have had to deal with DH's addiction and prison.
He hid it all from me and it genuinely was out of character (his friends and family agree) but clearly there were a lot of issues none of us realised.
Things have got worse and are still getting worse in terms of finance, the house being repossessed etc and other things that could genuinely change my life in the long term (I don't want to go into details).
I was able to pay for counselling from the start. I have supportive friends too but we don't get to see each other that often as they have their own families and challenges. I haven't told my parents as they also have health problems and are under a lot of stress, so I've been acting like nothing's wrong.
Somehow I've managed to hold down a senior job (and in fact seem to be excelling and heading for a second promotion since this started - they don't know anything about my situation). But in the last few months, my mental health has detoriated.
My doctor's been good and has put me on 150mg of Sertraline (increased over time). It's really helped with anxiety but I seem to have become very calm about the fact that if things get much worse I can just commit suicide. I really don't want to hurt those around me but I'm just in constant pain and feeling overwhelmed. The idea of not having to think about all this and and also not having to start my life all over again (I'm in my mid 40s) is the first thing that has made me feel a little better.
I'm seeing my doctor again on Tuesday and my counsellor has asked to speak to my doctor so they can consult each other (I've told them I'd like to just not wake up but not gone into detail about it feeling a comfort and making me calm).
The solution of finding a way out just feels so normal to me now and I don't really even want to tell people (professionals or friends) this because they might remove my only form of escape. I really don't care or have the energy to think about rebuilding my life. Clearly I can still understand this way of thinking isn't normal and the thought of putting others in pain is probably the only thing I am clinging onto. I also don't know what the doctor and counsellor would do.
They suggested I take time off from work before but it's the one place I can distract myself and feel normal. Otherwise I'm stuck at home on my own and feel even worse.
I've stopped caring about my own wellbeing but know I need to try and save myself so I don't cause those around me more pain. Any advice would be really appreciated.