How to explain self-harm scars to DC?

[MyNewBearTotoro]

Does anybody have experience of explaining self-harm scars to their children?

I have a lot of faded scars from self harm as a teenager which cover my arms and legs extensively. I have never hidden them from my 5yo DD but when she was younger it was enough to just say that they were scars from hurting myself when I was poorly in the past.

This winter I had a very rough time with my mental health and started self harming again, often seriously enough to need stitches. These scars are now very red, raised and obvious and over the last few days DD has been asking about them in more detail. She wants to know the hows and whys and I have no idea what to say. So far I’ve been able to change the subject or be vague but realistically I know at some point soon we need to have the discussion.

But I’m just at a loss about what to say, I think largely because I’m terrified of putting ideas in her head and that she will copy me. How do I explain self harm to a 5-year-old? Does anybody have any experience or advice around this? If anybody had older children/ teenagers - is it possible to have a history of self harm and not pass this on to your DC or is it inevitable she will try it at some point?

They are from where I hurt myself. Does she ask more questions after this then?
Maybe say I hurt myself because I was very unhappy and I wanted the pain to go away but I now know the best thing to do instead is to talk to people about how I'm feeling??
I've not had to explain yet either but I do have scars too. I am always a fan of honesty, as far as you can be.

I have always tried to be honest and in the past I’ve told her I was poorly in the past and hurt myself but I’m better now. That was enough before but when she asked the other day she asked how the scars were made, I said they were from cuts and she asked how I cut myself and if I’d fallen over. I was able to change the subject but I’m aware that she’s bound to ask more questions again and I just don’t know what to say or how to explain it.

I self harmed for many years so have a lot of scars and am now pregnant and have been wondering how I will answer the question when it is inevitably asked in the future; I’ve also noticed my 4 year old niece looking and feel she may ask soon. My ‘script’ that I intend to say is that when I was younger I was hurt but I’m better now. Similar to what you have said.
Obviously it’s different given your scars are newer and more noticeable but I would be inclined to stick to your original story as much as possible.
I think it’s important to be age appropriate and at 5 (in my opinion) she is too little to hear that you deliberately harmed yourself. I would stick with the line that you hurt yourself from a cut and that it hurt at the time but doesn’t hurt anymore and that you are okay. I think it’s okay to not be entirely truthful at her age and to say yes you fell over or something like that. Or, I suppose you could say something like you had a bad illness that made the cuts and that it’s hard to explain but again, emphasise that you are okay now and all better and there’s nothing to worry about.
As she gets older I think it’s about updating the story in an age appropriate way- so with a 10/11 + year old you may be more truthful but still couch it gently.

Sorry I don’t know if that helps, it must be very difficult if she is asking a lot.

Mmm I see your dilemma that's really hard. I'm not sure how best to deal with that question I hope you get other responses with more knowledge

Maybe not the best idea, but when my dc were very small I told them I had a naughty cat when i was younger
I’ve gradually told them the truth over the years, with what they could handle at the right age. They’re now 10,12 and 17 and they know fully (eldest more in depth).

Maybe saying an illness caused the cuts and it’s hard to explain would work. It’s just hard because she seems to be at a stage of wanting to know all of the details about everything and asking endless questions. I hate the idea of lying to her but being honest feels wrong as well which I think is why I feel conflicted and anxious. I’ve been dreading her asking about it so much that over the last few days I’ve found myself hiding my arms from her which is obviously hard to do from your children, even ignoring the hot weather so I know that’s not a long term solution and I have to tell her something.

Perhaps I should tell her it was a grown-up illness and that I’ll talk to her when she’s older but that she doesn’t need to worry because I’m better now - do you think that will work? My scars are from shoulder to wrist on both arms and very red and raised so they really do stand out a lot, I regret them now but obviously wasn’t thinking straight at the time. In terms of the scars being a trigger for children to hurt themselves in the same way, does anyone with older children think that is the case? I’m so scared she will copy me and that I’ll be powerless to help.

I'm not sure that I'd go down the route of grown up illness I'll tell you when you're older. I think it's too long to wait if you know what I mean. It's almost like saying it's a secret? But that's just my opinion

Okay. I don’t want to make it feel like a secret or something we can’t talk about, but it breaks me heart to think of telling her I chose to cut myself to make bad feelings in my head go away and her then wanting to do the same when she’s feeling bad. I’m so scared of passing it onto her. I feel like in hindsight it wasn’t fair to have children considering my difficult past with my mental health and how obvious the scars are; I feel like as a parent I’m meant to protect her but that the danger here is myself.

It's absolutely fine to tell her that it's private or something you are not comfortable talking about right now you know. That's honest too xxxx. I'm going through a similar thing at the moment with my curious five year old.

When my DD was younger I told her I had an accident every time she asked, I was so scared she would do it to herself if I told her the truth. Now she's 11 and she hasn't brought it up for years. I'm sure she knows by now and in a way I wish I had talked to her earlier so I could explain how much I regretted it, how I wish I'd got help instead, how embarrassing and depressing it is to have them on me always, as I think not explaining is more likely to cause her to do the same thing.
It's really a hard one OP, I would be devastated if she ever did it too and of course blame myself. At 5, I might be inclined to tell her you weren't very well and did it by accident until she's old enough to understand.

I was able to pass mine off as oven and iron burns for years (they're pretty bad, a scratchy cat wasn't gonna do)
Then I found out one of my DDs was self harming. What a day that was
When she said I wouldn't understand, I came clean. I would never say I was glad I'd done it, but for me it was weirdly a godsend because it led to complete openness and I was able to help DD in a way nobody could've helped the younger me.
But until then all my kids fully swallowed the burns story and I would never have told the truth if my DD hadn't needed to realise I genuinely did understand her

@Mummaofmytribe that's weird as my 'accident' was burns too, although now she's older it's obvious they aren't.
I'm so sorry to hear about your DD, but your right, someone who hasn't been through it wouldn't be able to offer her the kind of support you can, I wish I had had that too.

Thanks for all your responses. Unfortunately I don’t think I could pass mine off as oven/ iron burns or anything accidental. I have literally thousands of scars and although my arms are worst they are on my chest/ stomach/ legs etc as well. There are some obvious scars from the stitches as well although I’m hoping in time these will fade.

I think maybe I am just going to have to tell her a child-friendly version of the truth? That I was poorly and very sad and it made me hurt my arms? Do you think if she asks lots of how/ whys maybe I can just say it makes me sad to remember so I don’t want to talk about it or is that making it too secretive? I really don’t want to start telling my 5yo how I did it. Maybe I’m overthinking it, I’m convinced she’s going to keep asking for more detail but maybe she’ll be happy with a simple explanation.

What about ‘mummy had an illness in her brain that made her very poorly and it meant that She got hurt. It doesn’t hurt anymore and I’m all better but it makes me feel sad to think about it/talk about it so let’s go and do xyz/talk about something else’

At 5 she’s too little to really understand you hurting yourself deliberately, I think if you were really truthful about cutting she would find it confusing and possibly frightening. I guess the main aim is to stop her asking so much and for her not to be worried or concerned about you, so putting in a way that will protect her as much as possible.

Also I think you possibly are over thinking it, at 5 she can probably be fobbed off a bit.
Good luck, I really hope it’s okay if she asks again and that she accepts what you say and doesn’t ask too much more! X

Could you speak to one of the mental health charities? They might have an idea of how to have age appropriate discussions about mental health with children? It might not be self harm specific, but they might be able to give you guidelines for what a 5 year old would probably understand. There are many parents who live with mental health issues, so I'm sure this topic must have come up before for them to help people with.x