Thoughts

[NothingElse]

I've wondered this for a while. I know suicidal thoughts are really common, but obviously only know what goes on in my head, wondered if this kind of thing is normal?

I get really violent, specific thoughts about hurting myself or ending my life, I imagine I can't be more specific here. But it's not really about ending my life at those times, it's very specific thoughts and the need to carry them out that come out of seemingly nowhere and prevent focussing on anything else. I carry on anyway but it's having to drag my mind back every 30 seconds from focussing on these thoughts and the need to carry them out. This generally goes on for months at a time. I'm not dwelling on the thoughts because generally I need to get stuff done, keep going to work etc but I can't stop my mind going there, it takes a lot of energy to stop myself acting on the thoughts, like I don't have control over it, or less than normal.

I do hurt myself on occasion and have done more often for many years. I don't know if that is relevant.

I'm not sure how to describe it better here but I'm just wondering if it's one of those normal things that no one talks about? I find it incredible that my family dont experience this, but then I don't tell anyone so who knows. I'm just going off reactions to my self harm.

Thoughts?

Hi,
It is common to have suicidal thoughts, we are all aware these days of the statistics of those who carry through on these thoughts, however, just because something is common, doesn't mean it should be ignored or is unimportant. It sounds like you have amazing strength to carry on with your day to day life with these very intrusive thoughts, but just wondered if you feel able to go to your GP or to ring the Samaritans to speak to someone about them.

Please don't accept that living with these thoughts has to be your 'normal' way of living. They are a part of you that is in tremendous pain and I really hope you can seek help.
Take care and be safe.

Thank you for your reply. I see what you're saying.
To clarify, while I have had very dark periods in the past, I don't currently want to end my life or hurt myself particularly. Definitely don't want to die, ambivalent to the latter.

So it's not like I'm obsessing about that or planning or anything. In that way I'm not suffering, it's more the feeling that these thoughts and feelings are almost beyond my control. Currently they must be in control because i haven't acted on them, but it takes a lot of energy not to do something.

It's different from when I've felt actively suicidal and from when I've felt so depressed I've desperately wanted it to end but not had the energy to act. This is different from both of those scenarios. It's almost like the thoughts are not from within.

But it's also different from those fleeting thoughts like stood on a train platform, I could just jump etc. It's really detailed, graphic, obsessive (almost, although I'm actively trying to distract myself from them, not obsessing consciously) thoughts and drive to carry them out.

So I'm not sure what I'm asking. Because I'm not depressed or anything, I'm wondering are these the thoughts most people get or is it something I should speak to GP about.

Hi, I definitely think you should speak to your gp, as why should you have to put up with unpleasant thoughts? It's exhausting (I've been there, long story).

I agree, I think you should go to your gp. You are generating these thoughts, they aren't just appearing from nowhere, and there is a reason they are here, which shouldn't be ignored. Please stay safe and go and speak to someone, even if you don't feel generally depressed, it's not pleasant to be telling ourselves we may as well be dead.

Makes me wonder what other people think about...
wonder if it's a stress/anxiety reaction. Stress is increasing, though I don't feel it, but I should be bloody stressed. And thoughts are taking over.

I get these thoughts they are so annoying it all started when I read about a girl doing it and it struck me wow she had anxiety what if I do that? Then if got worse more what ifs etc, then it eased off then whenever I am stressed or read about suicide it scares me and triggers me to think about it but I do not want to die at all, it's like some morbid fear that won't go away I've had cbt and I know they are just thoughts and don't mean nothing but I don't want the thought at all and it's so hard to get out my head because I just don't want this thought at all. It gets me down honestly

I think I understand what you're saying...that perhaps they are like a form of stress relief? But even so, they are pretty heavy ways of coping with stress or anxiety, really really unpleasant ways, and there are other ways of living. I hope you can talk to someone in real life about these thoughts.

It's strange isn't it. I'm glad in a way that someone understands but also wish you didn't.
My issue is the fact thoughts are really intrusive and affecting my life and productivity but I don't think a GP would understand. And I think the risk to my career by admitting this to anyone would be greater than the likelihood of anyone helping.

If anything I think I would like to go back on sertraline, it helped more than others I've tried, but I remember the first couple of weeks and how hard it was not to act on thoughts.

Yes I get this! Have had anxiety for several years now, it very much waxes and wanes, but probably the hardest thing to deal with is the intrusive thoughts. They are really frustrating and very scary, especially as i am in no way suicidal, if anything I'm scared of the bloody thing!

I'm going to go to the doctors at some point, just haven't quite worked out what to say to them...

Are you concerned your GP would disclose to your employers? Is that why you are concerned about your career? Because I can't see any reason why they would need to and they have a duty of care to you as a patient not to. I understand that career is important, but the bottom line is that you are more important.
I think a GP would understand, absolutely, or a therapist. You don't have to disclose everything but try to be as brutally honest as you can be.
Just out of interest, if I had started this thread, not you, what advise would you give me? And would you take your own advise?

Sorry advice not advise!