How do I stop being bitter? Whats wrong with me?

[TaighNamGastaOrt]

DH said to me last night, 'you're so bitter lately, where's the old happy Taigh gone?'
We talked and it truly made me stop and think. What the hell is wrong with me? DH said he thinks I'm taking it out on him and the kids. He's a good egg, just wants me to be happy. I usually am bright cheery and open.

Background: always been bullied by my sisters, N/C with them. Last year, I was 'named and shamed' and bullied online for something I didnt do. This really damaged me-people and sisters attacking and making up lies about me. threats made towards me and my family. Police involved, all sorted out. At least I had my friends and family tho. It took a while to recover, but I'm left paranoid and always thinking the worst of myself.

Last month, my colleagues/friends ganged up on me and twisted something I said. I apologised at the time, thought it was dealt with then came back to a shitstorm of nasty allegations. My 'best' friend refused to discuss her issue with me as I 'had been too friendly with our other colleagues'. I felt best friends behaviour was controlling (like my sisters) and immediately backed off.
I now feel I can no longer rely on my 'friends.' I cried for 2 days when my bf said that-I was so hurt!

I've left a lot of detail out as its identifying. For full disclosure, I have depression and anxiety and have been on a low dose of citalopram for about 8 years. I've also had counselling to help cope with stress and situations I find difficult to cope with.
I'm not a bad person, bit of a people pleaser (often to my detriment). But generally I'm kind, patient and helpful (I think). If in doubt, be kind!
But I do not suffer fools. I've learnt to avoid negative or controlling people.
But I am bitter. And still angry. I'm just getting on with life, but I absolutely do not want to be a bitter angry person. I definitely dont want my kids to see me being that person!
How? how do I resolve the anger/fear that in me?

Thank you for reading.

Firstly, from my own experience and just reading yours I just wanted to say how bizarre life is that we end up facing our own worst inner crap over and over? What is that about?! From reading what you have just written I would say that you are kind of asking yourself perhaps for some form of healing as that all sounds really damaging emotionally. Perhaps you have built up coping mechanisms and have got through it but the hurt is still there and is looking for outlets.
Did you find counselling helpful before? Would you consider it again? Just to acknowledge the bitterness in a therapy room and find a way to release it might be helpful...or maybe write it out in a journal, in a completely non-judgemental (of your self) way?

Thank you so much for reading and replying. I'm grateful anyone did!
Yeah, its the same inner crap crops up every few years no matter how hard you try and stay level.
I thought about going back to counselling, but really cant afford it. My coping mechanisms arent coping! enjoying the irony there.
Writing it out is cathartic but I'm really starting to dislike myself.
I dont usually sweat the small stuff but I just cant seem to let this hurt feeling go.

Ah, it's ok, I read your message and could relate so strongly I couldn't not reply! Yeh, the irony of our coping mechanisms going awol is always a good one...but...this is happening for a reason, and for whatever reason it is time for you to try and face this crap again.
I believe it is great that you find writing it out cathartic. Just keep going, maybe have a journal just entirely to write out all the shit...and then allow yourself to let go of your own judgement as you read it back. It just is what it is. This is your hurt, your pain, your wounds. You, quite rightly, acknowledge that you don't want to take this out on anyone else so you are owning it by writing it down and letting it release. And it's just going to take time. That is certainly what I have found. You might also find along the way that there are other forms of cathartic release that appeal, or perhaps therapy will become possible, or you might have a trusted friend or someone you can talk to.
Good luck. Just remember you are worth healing.

Thanks Woolly, would you like to adopt me as your sister??
I forgot about time. Time heals eventually. Spoke to my mum today, told her some of it. felt better.
DH keeps saying I shouldnt let people in so far that they can hurt me like this. But thats who I am. And its the reason he's around too!!
I'm going to work on writing it down, getting it out. until then I'm going to keep my head down and withdraw. And work on not letting people hurt me.
Snuggled with my soft lump of a dog-animals are so much more honest than people!
Thank you.

Can thoroughly recommend Mel Robbins "take control of your life" on audible.

It's genuinely starting to make a massive difference to my mindset.

Ah...yes we can be bitter sisters together!!
The interesting thing I have found for the people pleasing side of me is that the more I am honest with myself (and, reluctantly and slowly, others) about what pisses me off, the more I am able to let stuff go and realise that people aren't here to make me happy or (on the bad days) just to suck the life out of me. People are just people. I have just invested too much in trying to please them...that is the crappy bottom line. Which is oddly also really liberating. Because it always comes back to our own perception. Over and bloody over again...And in terms of whether you let people too far in, who knows really, but it's human to want connection and we only allow that when we open up.
Hope you have a lovely weekend with your family and your lovely dog. x

Being bitter only allows more power to those who have done you a bad turn.
Just think how strong the emotion of bitterness is; you're investing all that on people that aren't worth it... it sometimes seems that few people are worth it.

I wouldn't know how to 'turn it off' but I suppose you need to manage it.

Thanks Belinda, I'll look into that!
@Woollycardi if this was facebook, I'd add you as a friend!
You've hit the nail on the head there-people are just people. I need to stop relying on people for my happiness. I'm going to revise person-centred counselling and re-visit what I learned the first time. It changed my life then, fingers crossed it will remind me how to be me again.
Oldandwornout I've always tried to channel that energy or anger into positive things. I'm just struggling with the shit thats happened and is dragging me down.

Thank you again, kind of you to talk.
Wine and farty dog cheering me up!

Ah, would add you as well Taigh!
I'm a big fan of person-centred counselling and the philosophy behind it...that ultimately we are the key to our own healing, and at times we need someone else to stand alongside us, but that there is so much we can also learn about ourselves on our own. It seems to me that you are already walking that path.
Has been lovely to chat, and been really helpful for me too.

I've learned a lot from reading this thread, OP, and the responses it has inspired. I'm grateful for your openness about what you're going through. Experience can leave a bitter taste that's difficult to rinse away, and can leave us feeling bad about "who we're being" in a way that feels very unjust. There must be some connection between taking crap and then feeling crap!

The resurgence of anxiety-provoking life lessons might partly be about mastering our fears. At the moment I feel like I'm either dragging around some scary stuff, or holding it and gradually processing it. Same uncomfortable, disturbing feelings, but two ways of living with them. I veer between being sunk and mired in their confronting, ominous-feeling shittiness, or mindfully acknowledging and containing them while I sift through them (and hope that there'll be an end point).

Allow yourself to rely on your inner and outer resources while you strengthen your perspective and get clearer