I fucking hate having depression

[greenberet]

It’s robbed me of myself - another day in bed because I can’t get out - currently balling my eyes out - so many things I need to do want to do. If only I could get out of bed. I’ve let everyone down - I’ve let my kids down - can’t be the mother they need right now - they’re fucking struggling too and I can’t force myself to function. So fed up of people not listening to me not hearing me when I ask for help just being caught up in their own agenda. All this bollocks about people being aware of MH issues - it’s just lip service. I receive PIP for depression this means I am classed as having a disability but do people get this no they fucking don’t! People that should know better people that should care people that have a duty of care.

My experience I get fucked over - just like the other poster on this board. People think MH relates to stupidity, to laziness - I can get out of bed why can’t you - I wish I fucking could - my kids come home and say what have you done all day - you are at home why have you not done anything - because I was at home for 20 years keeping a perfect house, meals on the table dragging myself around to do everything for everyone else and I got screwed - it made not a sodding bit of difference - but now they notice no food in the house, the house is a mess - are you ok mum? No I’m fucking not - so how do I stop myself sinking further - I have no idea - got to get to end of month - kids 18th - got to make this special for them in a fucking shit world - got to get them through their exams - got to get them passed their driving test?

Where is their fucking father in all this - trying to grind me into the dirt - the kids don’t see this - Christ knows what they fucking think - all I can manage is keep telling them I love them!

My Dd has just messaged me - she’ll do a food shop - she shouldn’t be doing this - she’s in the middle of her a level exams - this is my job - a job I can’t even manage right now - but never mind I can also take on a full time job after being a SAHM for 20 years - after all people work with depression - yeah and some people also top themselves - why didn’t you listen to me lady judge - more to the point why didn’t you listen to my Gp who had written numerous letters and the MH team who also told you how I am - but it wasn’t about me was it - it was about getting another case ticked off the list as easy as possible - so go with the represented x - because can’t upset someone from your old chambers can we - and just imagine if you had supported my truth - I expect all fucking hell would have broken lose in the court wrong- an emotional middle aged female who clearly is intelligent but has depression but no she cannot be telling the truth - even when the evidence supports her!

Must try and get out of bed!

I hear you.

I don't know what to say but I completely get it. I feel like I drag myself through life at the moment. Even filling the car up with fuel yesterday was an achievement. People 'understand' and yet they don't.

The self loathing can be one of the worst bits 🙁

Try and give yourself a break today. If you were really sick with flu, would you give yourself such a hard time for not being able to get out of bed? Probably not. You'd tell yourself that you needed to rest and gather some strength.

So rest. Gather some strength.

If you can, tomorrow, make yourself eat some good food and take a walk outside. No matter where you're going, get up and move around. I promise you it will make you start to feel different.

Build on this. And tell yourself that it's OK. You have an illness. When you're sick, you have to look after yourself in whatever way you can.

Well done for being here, for being able to write all that down and for being able to breathe in and out.

Your ex sounds like a fuckwit BTW.

I wish I knew how to beat this I’ve lost so much time when I’m good I can achieve so much right now I’m drowning - all I ask for is some help - some help before I get to this stage - is it self sabotage? Because my head knows I need to get out of bed but my head’s also stopping me - I’m tired so tired of fighting - even fighting myself to get out of bed - why? Because maybe I don’t want to but I have to for other people - is it fair to let my Dd do the shopping? When I should be doing it - I could wrap myself up in this head shite all day

Try some visualisation.

You say that you're drowning. That suggests a struggle and fight.

Instead, imagine yourself floating. On top of a beautiful swimming pool or just a few metres away from a sandy beach, with the sun on your skin. Focus on your breathing. Feel yourself getting calmer with every breath.

It's OK to feel low today. Give yourself permission to rest. It's OK. And you know that you won't always feel this way. You will feel better. Just not today. Today is for rest.

Thank you 2 cats x

I am noting here that I feel I am being personally attacked on MN for comments I am making because I do not automatically follow the general consensus on a thread.
the thread involves talk of abuse, of MH and of suicide - all something that I have experienced suffer with and several posters despite knowing this appear to be goading me into a reaction.
I have reported this to MN because it has happened before when my Mh has been fragile - yet it continues