I think I've just realised I might have OCD

[OCDhelp]

I'm not sure what I'm gaining from posting this, I know the mental health boards are quiet.

I've gone my whole life with 'issues'. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD and it's also been suggested I may be on the spectrum, which didn't surprise me as I have two autistic children.

I've been having a really bad couple of days and I decided to google other causes of anxiety and found a page about OCD and I can't believe how much it resonated with me. I've always (wrongly) assumed that OCD was about cleaning, washing and repetitive behaviour. But after reading more about it I'm genuinely so shocked at home much I can relate to the other symptoms.

I've never ever spoken about this in real life, because it's so ridiculous. But ever since I was a very young child, I used to get these horrible thoughts that my Dad, older brothers, teachers. Doctors etc were going to murder me. I'd be in the car with my Dad and I'd just have this sudden thought that he was kidnapping me and taking me somewhere where he could kill me and I couldn't get it out of my head until I was home safe.
As I got older, these thoughts got even worse and began to include sexual violence. I was so ashamed and scared of even thinking such a thing that I've never told a soul.

These thoughts still happen so regularly, I think I've just gotten used to them now but they're still scary and horrible.

Ive got issues surrounding food, i like a wide variety of things but I'm absolutely petrified of nuts and prawns and accidentally eating them. I'm also so scared of eating something out of date or bad, if something smells even a tiny bit different once it's cooked to how it usually would smell, I physically can't eat it.

My biggest problem at the moment is my anxiety, having two children with severe ASD is really difficult and I'm also terrified about their safety. I'll often wake in the night and I physically have to get up and check on them, make sure they're still breathing and that they're still in their bedroom. Then I'll have to go downstairs and make sure the windows and doors are locked, just in case they woke up and got out of their rooms. This happens so often.
When I'm out and my DH is looking after the boys, I'll always ask him to text me pictures of the doors so I can see that they're locked and I'll ask him to check the windows whilst I'm on the phone with him. If I call and I can't get through, I go into an absolute panic, so much so that I've vomited in the past.

I'll often have thoughts about them escaping, drowning, being ran over, getting lost, everything. It's absolutely awful.

I also have horrible thoughts about others that I can't control, I've had them since I was little. I always felt as if I was going to be punished for having them, or someone in my family was.

I'm not sure what to do, I feel like a fraud. I've got a good job, lead a relatively normal life, it feels as if I can't have OCD because I know people can really suffer. It does affect me a lot, I haven't eaten a meal in 4 days as nothing has been quite right, but I can manage.

I'm thinking of making a GP appointment, but I'm scared they'll just laugh at me and tell me everyone has these feelings and thoughts.

Hey I didn't want to read and run, I'm not a professional however from what you've written I'd say you probably do have OCD. The reoccurring unwanted thoughts, double checking and anxiety is all related.

I'd make a drs appointment they won't laugh they will understand and hopefully they can find a way to help you, not eating isn't good you must feed your brain , when we are tired we become weaker and these thoughts have a good way of creeping their way back in.

When you get a thought and it gives you that bad vibe label it as an ocd thought , " that's ocd" and keep telling yourself that, you don't want to completely ignore it otherwise it will be on your mind , sorry I haven't got much advice X

Thank you @MidnightMystery I'm going to try and get a doctors appointment for this afternoon. I just feel like I'm insane, like I'm making it all up because it sounds so bizarre. I've never ever spoken about the thoughts I get, I just presumed there was something wrong with me.

I have a friend who has OCD, but her's is more about contamination and cleanliness, I'm worried that I've if I have OCD that I've still got the 'weird bit' of it.

Even writing this out is so strange to me, it feels like a completely different person. I'm definitely going to try and separate normal worries from OCD worries, I'll just have to learn the difference because the OCD worries always seem quite valid!

This sounds very like me OP, and I have an OCD diagnosis. Intrusive thoughts are a big part of OCD but the common assumption is that OCD is more about obsessive cleaning etc. I knew something wasn’t right in the way I was thinking all my life, but never connected it to OCD and wouldn’t have if a therapist hadn’t diagnosed me aged around 25.

In the ten years since I’ve had ups and downs. On an antidepressant to attempt to control it and had CBT and hypnotherapy to attempt to control it. Definitely better than I was for having a diagnosis and just being aware of it, but it’s a life long condition.

Your GP definitely won’t laugh at you.

Good luck.

Intrusive thoughts, over thinking/ obsessive thinking are all forms of ocd. It's very hard to grasp has you say ocd is more talked about and associated with cleaning. X

@IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing if you don't mind me asking, how did the diagnosis process go?
I feel like I need a definite, 'You have OCD' so I can accept it and start treatment, rather than just getting anti-depressants and seeing what happens.

I just can't believe I've never even considered it before, I just assumed I had anxiety but when reading about OCD thoughts and that compulsion to have to get up to check on the children, it's as if my body moves by itself, that resonated more with me than any anxiety symptom.

@loveskaka I do think that's an issue, I don't even feel comfortable telling my friend about what I'm experiencing, although I'm sure she'd understand. Her OCD seems to rule her life and some of the horrible and intrusive thoughts I've had are often about her needing to 'get a grip', which is obviously horrendous and not how I truly feel at all. Makes me feel like such a horrible person, when in reality I'm so supportive and genuinely over the moon for her when she makes any progress.

Definitely speak to your doctor. I have tried speaking to mine about my ds. I am sure my ds has OCD but I am always told it is his autism that causes these things. Perhaps some autistic behaviours can look like OCD. Your issues with food are common for people who have autism. My ds has severe issues with food (but I do think he could have OCD). Good luck, I hope your doctor is understanding and refers you to the right person for help and advice.

I'm currently waiting on a referral to get properly diagnosed and OCD is one thing they are pretty sure I have. I get intrusive thoughts, the worst one was when I bought a new smoothie maker and I kept thinking what if my kitten jumped in and I didn't notice. It was ridiculous but quite disturbing I also need everything a certain way. If DH moves furniture I have anxiety attack. If someone is carrying a tray I get upset because I think they will drop it and everyone will laugh and they will feel sad. It really upsets me.

I feel like my brain is split into my OCD side and me logical side. I also feel like a fraud. I'm told at work that I am laid back and nothing seems to bother me. If only they knew. Just know you aren't alone and I also thought OCD was needing to clean and hand washing.

I would try and get referred to your local mental health team. For me just knowing that I am going to get help it's helping me.

@DerbyRacer i did think that with the sensory issues, I first noticed by how I automatically corrected things for my two children. Nobody else would even consider that it'd cause an issue for them, but I knew it would for me so I'd just fix it. One is severely autistic, non verbal etc, the other is less so but has a lot more sensory needs.

@cherryblossomgin I'm going to the doctor today, somehow managed to get an appointment! I've written down what I want to tell them, I'm hoping they take in seriously. It just feels almost fake, I'm sitting here now, working from home in an amazing job where everyone says the same as you, that I'm so laid back etc, when in my head I get all these horrendous thoughts and feelings

Watch some YouTube videos on intrusive thoughts, they really helped me. It tell you to just let the thought come and go and don't give it any attention. When you start trying to figure out why u thinking what your thinking that just feeds the anxiety and u just go around in circles! You may need to watch videos over and over again till u understand how it all works and to train yourself to not give these thoughts any attention. X

Google 'Pure OCD'. It's not recognised as a separate form but it's helpful to read about as it's more about those intrusive thoughts than the classic behavioural presentation. A relative has OCD in the 'pure' sense which is the only reason I know about it. It's not widely covered in the media but there was a good article not that long ago. I'll try and dig it out.

How did you get on @OCDhelp?

The intrusive thought, compulsions, checking behaviours all sound like my OCD. And the Autism too.

Here it is: Pure OCD: a rude awakening

www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/31/pure-ocd-the-naked-truth?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

My DP has ocd and it’s a common misconception that ocd is cleaning or hygiene related. He has what is also known as pure ‘o’ this means he has no physical rituals just obsesses and ruminates over whatever particular fear it can be at the time, he also was ashamed about his thoughts but that is what ocd is and does, it’s irrational but it feeds the anxiety.
He had to try let the thoughts be there and regard them as what they were, just thoughts. He has come along way with self education mostly and understanding what it is etc. A good GP will help but will prob offer antidepressants and refer you. There are some good helpful websites out there but sometimes they can trigger new thoughts so maybe find someone to confide in if you can. My dp used to look for reassurance from me or internet or anything to confirm he wasn’t a bad or awful person and that only made things worse for him, it fed the ocd if you like. Stay strong and big hug to you.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your messages, they're so helpful 💖

I went to the GP yesterday and they've started me on setraline, she said a lot of what I was describing is consistent with OCD. She's also referred me for CBT to see if it helps

I'm feeling a bit shocked, I feel like there's years wasted in my thoughts, can't believe I've never considered OCD before. I'm really trying to go back over things that have previously disturbed me and recognise that it was an OCD intrusive thought, not just because I'm a horrible person etc

She also thinks that I have a fear of men as a lot of my thoughts happen around males, family members or strangers. This would make sense considering my PTSD diagnosis was due to a physically abusive Father

That's good you've had help. But try not go over things. That's your head tricking you into thinking about things again, then it will just snowball again. If it come up then just say, right ok and move on. Accept the thoughts. Don't fight them or try to figure them out. U can't give them any sort of attention not matter what your head is telling you the reason is. Also the tabs you are on can make u feel rubbish for a wee while but stick with them. X