Incomprehensible money worries.

[harjulhar]

Hi All, can I start by saying I've never been on a forum before, so please forgive me if I might say the wrong thing or in the wrong place, it's not deliberate, I just green.

Anyway, back to the serious side, some 3 years ago, the relationship I was in with my now ex partner was coming to an end, to be perfectly honest, it was the best thing that has happened to me in many many years and I felt I'd found freedom. In the space of a few days, I'd left the family home (I was desperate to get out) and moved into a place of my own, things were very tough financially, I had nothing and I mean, nothing, in order to survive, I had to sell my possessions and over the space of several months, I'd basically left myself with nothing from my past.
As time moved on, I became more relaxed, happy and settled, but there was something niggling me, that I couldn't put my finger on. A few months ago, I was invited out by a few mates, I had the money and fancied some downtime, but I turned them down, since then, they've asked me a couple more times, but I didn't go, they knew I'd had a tough time and didn't put any pressure on me.
At Easter weekend, a night out was planned and I agreed to go, as the night came ever nearer, I was excited, but also apprehensive. The night happened, but I didn't enjoy it, but I said nothing to my friends, I just pretended to be really having a good time.
The friend who has known me the longest, came to see me the following day, during a coffee he said, "I know it was nice to see you out last night, but I'm worried about you and could see that you weren't enjoying it, is there something wrong"? I knew I couldn't lie, I opened up to him and it broke my heart to tell him that I was scared of spending money and didn't enjoy doing so, when there are things I could buy for the house to make it better for me.
The thing is, I don't need anything, I have what I need and am happy with how things are, I just feel guilty about spending money. I'm actually scared of not having any money and being left penniless. When the kids are finished education, the house I shared with my ex, can be sold, this should net me some £70-80,000 and will give me some relief, but in the last 3 years, I've managed to save over £5K and this money is in a funeral fund, just in case, I snuff it before the house is sold and there's no money to cover the costs.
I'm not skint by any means, but after going through a long period of scrimping for every penny, to get me through each day, I feel guilty about anything I spend. I think this derived from my ex and her habit for spending money as an Olympic Sport. If she had 50p, she could spend a fiver and I never knew how she could do it. I know that she has debts from credit cards and catalogues, but these are her debt's and not mine. To protect myself further, I severed the joined tenancy on the house and I'm safe in the knowledge that no matter how much trouble she gets herself into, my share of the property is safe, but, I feel vulnerable, trust no-one, live in fear of having my bank account emptied, it's verging on the point of paranoia.
I kid you not, I'm terrified of getting into debt, not having any money or even dying and owing money to someone. I used to be a very active cyclist, angler and outdoorsman, now, I don't bother with my hobbies as I feel I cannot afford it or can justify spending the money to go out and enjoy any of them. I know that a tube for a bike is only a fiver and I'll not have to resort to robbing a bank to buy one of I get a puncture, but I'm so preoccupied with the thought of having to spend this fiver if the worst happens, I will not go for a ride. I'm really suffering as a human and as someone who used to love life. As for fishing, hooks are next to nothing and I might lose a few during a days fishing, but even this plays on my mind and it's stopping me from enjoying the hobby my late father introduced me to when I was only 6 years old.
I shop at Lidl and Aldi, buy the cheapest food I can find and hardly eat anything during the day, I drink plenty of fluids during the day and my one meal a day is at 6pm, that might be a sandwich. I feel guilty for eating, stupid, I know, but I cannot get out of this way of being and do not know what I can do.

Can anyone make a suggestion please, I do not want to go through the rest of my life like this.

Thank you.

You do sound as if you're on the edge of obsession with it.

Do you budget your income? If you had some 'rules' around spending money, you might be a bit more free-ed up.

e.g. of your after-tax salary you could follow the 50/30/20 rule.
50% to needs (Housing, bills, child maintenance etc)
30% to wants (Sky TV, fancy mobile, hobbies, eating out)
20% to savings (split between long-term e.g. funeral fund and short-term e.g. car needs new tyres)

Can you buy insurance instead of a funeral fund, you’ll then have £5k savings cushion.

I can understand to a degree but not so extreme. I’m currently doing my house up, the money has been around for 3 years in savings but I was too scared to actually spend it. Even though I have other savings.

You must eat it sounds like you have got yourself in a negative cycle, how do you think you could break it?

I think you have sort of answered it with the realisation that if you carry on like this you will be miserable and unwell. You will isolate yourself from friends. I'd get back to whichever hobby has the most social interaction- cycling club? Or pick a new one where you will meet new people. Reach out to one of your mates and tell them how you feel - no one is an island as they say.

Thank you all for the replies and constructive remarks, I do apologise for hitting you all with a heavy and long winded first post. There are a few things I've not mentioned so far, as I have a few other things going on, I have a severe back problem, I'm partially paralysed down one side, even though I have this long term disability, I manage to do as much as I can and when I was with my ex, I was working 11 hours a day, plus doing as much at home as I could. In the end, I realised I was working my way towards an early grave and getting nothing from my life. Without going into a full blown confession, that would take me hours to write and explain, I'm trying to keep this short. I did as much as I possibly could, to the detriment of my own life and past times, as mentioned before, but getting zero from my partner.

I know I'm beating myself up over this, but I honestly cannot see a way around this and allow myself some freedom. I blame myself for what has gone on before, during and since, it's not all down to me, maybe 5% is my fault, but, in my world, unless I've achieved something or done some,thing positive, for some reason, I cannot allow myself or enjoy any, of my hobbies. Once upon a time, I wouldn't give a flying fuck and just do what I wanted. I'll not lie, I have been through a few very tough situations in my life, physical, emotional or medical, but every time, I try to rise above the difficulties or problems and I can't and this knocks me back time after time.
If I could go back to having a don't give a toss attitude, I might be a happier person, until then, I feel I'm stuck in an eternal circle of guilt and self doubt, I cannot win.

I think you need to go and get some counselling - speak to your GP about it but ideally pay for private counselling (use your savings to help if need be). Your kids need a healthy parent.

That sounds pretty tough OP. A therapist would be a good shout to help unpick and understand it.
Ruminating is not good - look to the future, not past- you are not going that way.

unless I've achieved something or done some,thing positive, for some reason, I cannot allow myself or enjoy any, of my hobbies.

Is this not about making time for hobbies? Something you can look to do in future?

Hi all, thank you all for the positivity, I'm terrible for beating myself up over what I can and what I cannot do, plus, all the things I could have done, when I had the chance and din't, but as I'm the sort of person who looks after others before myself, I was too busy to notice my predicament and now I'm paying the price.
Although I live alone, I have been seeing a girl for a while and we get on really great, but over the last 6 months or so, she's been pushing me to leave my home and home town and set up house with her, over 30 miles away, at this moment in time, I'm very uncertain and so have told her I'm not moving and not willing to move. Everything I have and do is here, kids, friends (that haven't taken my ex's side and basically deserted me) and my hobbies. But even though she's taken this in, it doesn't stop her from continuing with her desire to uproot me from my place of birth and it's the place I hold most dearest, after all, it's home.
I never used to worry about money at all, if I couldn't afford something, I wouldn't buy it, simple as that. I would save or if I could get it on interest free credit and could afford the payments, then I would. I don't think I'm worrying more as I've grown older, I'm sure it's all down to the fact my ex had no thoughts about spending, going overdrawn or buying on credit. I wasn't aware until 2 years ago that she owed over £9,000 on cards and had taken out a bank loan for £7,000 to pay off a previous card debt. I severed the joint tenancy on the house, so now I know that my half of the property is safe and if she continues in the manner she is, there will be no equity left for her when the house is sold and I will have no responsibility.

I've had two small strokes, that have left me with memory loss, so I'm not 100% in my recall, this scares me, as I've very little memory from 1997 to the day of the strokes. Only my daily diaries, personal paperwork, what I can glean from friends and what limited memory I have, offers me any comfort or means of recall. My neurologist is sure that because the way my ex has behaved, she has caused the medical issues I've suffered. Her greed, attitude, lack of common sense and in fact, everything about her, has made me what I am today.
I don't see myself as "weak", I'm a victim of circumstance and someone else's behaviour, but, at the end of the day, I have to live and deal with the after effects for the rest of my life and this devastating to me. I used to be a vibrant and fun loving lad, the life and soul of the party and ready for a laugh 24/7. Now, I'm almost becoming a hermit, not enjoying life, questioning every thing I do and this isn't me, life was for living and I used to do just that, each day was a new day and treat as such, I tried to enjoy it as much as I could. Now, I hate waking up and having to endure wondering what's going to happen.
I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and will be having seeking some positive advice.

Thank you.

Counseling is a great thing to do and sometimes employers have employee assistance programs. I utilized mine 1.5 years ago and was a good experience. You've had a major life change but you have done so well! With help you can overcome your issue or at least learn to relax and enjoy the present without as much angst for your future

Thank you EKGEMS, I have had counselling, a year ago, I was seeing a counsellor, but all she did was ask questions, for ten weeks, it was the same thing and at the end of it, all I felt I'd gained was someone to talk to. A month ago, I finished a 6 week course on Pain Management Counselling, it was based on mindfulness, there was 9 of us at the start of the course, on the second week, there was 2, myself and the other lady wondered if we were doing the right thing and if it was worth it. On week 3, two returned to join us, but showed no interest. For the last 3 sessions, there was only us two left and we lasted the whole course. I went with a very open mind, listened, interacted did everything that was expected and spent hours at home going over what had been learned and instilled.
I still do the exercises we were shown, but at the end of the day, I feel no benefit for all the time and effort.
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, I'll ask about counselling again, but I'm not holding out much hope.
Because of the physical problems I have, I'm not able to partake in my hobbies and this is a huge issue for me, I'm a country lad, born and bred, love being outside, whatever the weather, be it out on my bikes, spending hours down by the river trying to fool a trout with some fur and feather or even being at the range, shooting at paper and steel targets with my air rifles. These are physical activities, which are not available to me and haven't been for a couple of years, for a country lad to be unable to enjoy his favourite pastimes, it's bloody torture and is ripping me apart. I make or used to make, all my own fishing flies, but with the arthritis burning through my hands all day, even the simplest task, is crippling.

As many before me have said, "what's the point of living", I do have that running through my head, but please be assured, I have no intentions of doing anything to act on my thoughts.
With having nothing to do, nothing I can do or anything that interests me, the days are long, very, very long and mind numbing. So no condusive to keeping mind and soul in a happy place.
Fingers crossed I get some joy from my visit to the surgery tomorrow.