Moved to beautiful place & so unhappy. Took Mental Health Issues with me.

[MimiCa]

I have moved to the most beautiful part of the UK. I live in the most beautiful house. Everything is absolutely perfect, BUT, I am so unhappy. I am on anti depressants, and have been for years, due to my messed up head. I was born mentally ill - seriously. I want to end my life, but have never tried, and could not do this to my Daughter. I suffer with many mental health issues, and although I always worked, I am now so unwell with certain issues; agoraphobia and social anxiety, that I can barely talk to people. I have a lovely, kind and understanding partner. He works away all week and home at weekends. I have my pets, who I adore. I keep myself busy, but since we relocated to this amazing place, I am still so unhappy. What is wrong with me? Does depression never end, no matter what happy things happen to a depressed person? I have no friends. I did cut contact due to my mental health. I have a small amount of family, but they are busy with their lives. I can put on an Oscar winning performance of how happy I am, but no one sees how suicidal I am inside. I will never end my life however. I feel lost, and nothing interests me anymore. I try everything, exercise, diet, you name it. I don't know why I am posting. Maybe I just want to hear positive advice.

I can't offer advice but I understand, I had a total breakdown in 2008 and to be honest 11 years later I'm just getting back to normal. I've taken myself off meds a few times and crashed, so I need to accept I'm on them for life.

Perhaps in time you will appreciate the beautiful place you have moved to, but in the meantime just try and keep yourself well and take care of your child. I wish I could tell you it will get better and I sincerely hope it will for you. Take it a day at a time and don't set your bar to high. X

Have a read up on ASD in women, OP.

That sounds so tough Mimica. Depression is an illness like any other (and a Physical Illness at that) and unfortunately you cannot move away from it- you can treat it though. Even if you haven't found the right treatment yet, it is worth going to the GP and getting a new referral for more treatment.

There are new promising treatments, including more specialized types of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and ketamine transfusions, which are promising for treating treatment-resistant Depression.

Behavioural and environmental factors do impact on brain chemistry and can have an impact on Depression but ultimately it is a physical illness and might need a Physical medical treatment.

** Infusions through an IV drip, not transfusions.

I've taken myself off meds a few times and crashed, so I need to accept I'm on them for life. same here.

I also try to take each day as it comes and not to have high expectations.

OP maybe your GP should change your meds? Also although it doesn't work for everyone and takes time and patience, CBT helped my mentally ill DD a lot although she is/never will be 100%.

What is so great about where you live?

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have only just seen them. Your suggestions are very helpful. I feel so isolated and alone and yet this is what I wanted, and where I wanted to always live, I know I am so fortunate, however that does not stop how I feel. . I suffer also with social anxiety, and part of me feels outgoing and wants to be how I was years ago, but the other part of me wants to hide and run away from people. I am going to see my new GP soon, so I will speak to him about possibly changing meds. Maybe after many years on them, they are now not so effective.

Hi
It definitely sounds like your medication needs adjusting. It's not really working at all if you are feeling this low.
Try not to pressure yourself that you should be feeling a particular emotion. You have the right to feel what you feel, however gorgeous the surroundings.
But also, ime, it helps to do things that 'should' make you feel better. Even if you don;t want to do them or they make no difference. So, every day, just make yourself shower and dress, put on make up if you wear it, and get soem fresh air. (Sitting in the garden in the sun is fine if you can't face the rest of the world.)
I keep a list called 'At Least I' and I write down everything I did in a day. At least I got dressed, fed the animals, put on a washload, made the DC's packed lunch and got them off to school etc. It hsows you that even the tiny things you do contribute to the world. The animals are glad you fed them. The DC are glad you cuddle them or collect them from school. Give yourself a massive pat on the back for what you are managing to get done, despite feeling so ill.

Said it on another thread but the magic solution for me was to simply do something - anything - each day that I'd never done before and make a note of it. I also started keeping a private blog. I prefer this to a journal, as I could link to pages and articles that interested or helped me, and could add images etc so old blog posts are easy to find.

When you do something new, you are giving yourself a miniscule break from the hellish day to day existence of depression. The feeling doesn't need to last. But it is a break. At first, everything I did was just going through the motions. (e.g. 'I am now in a hipster cafe drinking hot tumeric and orange instead of having my favourite coffee at Pret. What is the point?' But I kept at it and it really did help eventually. It very slowly made me take an interest in the world again, made me feel capable again, got me back on my feet. The key to it working was to do it even though it didn't seem to be making a difference, and to not expect it to make me feel better afterwards. I'd start going for walks and dread getting home because I knew the minute I was through the door, the sick, desperate feeling would descend. Took ages to realise that it was nice to have had the break, instead of expecting it to work lasting miracles.

I really hope this helps you and doesn't seem like a lecture or added stress. If you are agoraphobic, just try ordering new foods online, listening to new music on youtube etc and keep a record of what you did and what you thought of it.

I just came across this thread. I relate to a lot of what you say MimiCa - so sorry you're going through this.

I have also had long term depression and for ages thought that living in the right place/having the right job/knowing the right people would cure me - of course it didn't! Unfortunately having nice things or being in a nice place can make you feel even worse because it becomes another reason to beat yourself up about not being happy ('If I'm not happy now I'll never be happy, there's something wrong with me, etc etc). That's the depression talking. I've found it helpful to take the pressure off myself and accept how I feel at any given moment. Meditation can help with this. Getting to the point where you can sit with yourself and say 'I feel sad' or 'I feel angry' and just sit with the feeling without any judgment towards yourself. If I really can't stop beating myself up I imagine it was someone else in my situation - if someone I care about was sad, I imagine saying to them 'what's wrong with you? You're in a nice place!' then I realise how cruel and unreasonable I'm being to myself and can try and have calmer, kinder thoughts.

Having someone to talk to along with the right medication can be really helpful. No one is born mentally ill, we all have things happen to us that need to be worked through. Change is always possible Perhaps you could go to the dr first to see if there are better medication options for you at this time, then explore therapy options (I've always found I can only do one of these at a time - it can take a while to sort out but is really worth it).

@woodcutbirds your post is great. It's so easy to get ground down in the same narrow routine every day - depression is awful and tedious. I will be following your advice myself.

I hope you feel better mimica

Hugs and . I’ve been struggling for years too. You’re not alone.