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Original poster

Can’t get over being “told off”

36 replies

TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 20:53

Three days ago I got told off for eating a polo mint in the library “I’m really sorry madam but we don’t allow food in here...”. I can’t get over it! It’s been haunting me for the last three days, was the first thought when I woke up every day since, and I feel like I’m being followed and watched and judged and just like a naughty child. I can’t eat mints again. I can’t shake it off at all!

I’m not even going to bother asking if this is an overreaction because I’m aware it must sound completely out of proportion but what do I do now?

I do know where this is coming from. Childhood punishments were often far, far bigger than the crime, and very unpredictable. I just want to know how to feel better.

OP posts:
ViolentGin · 26/04/2019 20:56

Oh this must be horrible, I really hate when something minor like this triggered something much bigger.

All I can do is reassure you that the person who asked you not to eat it will have forgotten all about it by now. It is a blip on their radar. They wont have given it a second thought.

Also can you reframe it in your mind? They were doing their job, they said they were sorry but had to tell you. Maybe that will help?

YeOldeTrout · 26/04/2019 20:59

Maybe CBT. Underlying you've got some belief (or more likely a whole chain of interlinked beliefs) that make this event seem meaningful about you or your life. Can take a while to ferret the problem belief out, hold it up to the life & realise you don't want to hold on to it.

I hate that kind of telling off. It's one of my weak points, too.

YeOldeTrout · 26/04/2019 21:01

Did you know a mint would count as food, or that food was even banned (our public library allows cold food).

If you didn't even know it was against rules, then it was just a simple mistake. Everyone makes those. No harm done. Doesn't mean anything other than you aren't a mind reader. Nobody gets to be a mind reader... not even daft people on MN who claim to foresee anything & everything.

SockEatingMonster · 26/04/2019 21:03

How frustrating, especially when you know it’s not rational but can’t shift it.

I don’t know if this will be of any help at all, but can you practice how you could react to future “tellings off”? I don’t know the proper terms for this, but it sounds like you fell into a sort of adult and naughty child emotional reaction when she asked you not to eat the mint. Can you practice other reactions? Like a co-conspirator type reaction (giving a giggle and saying “oh gosh, naughty me, sorry!”) for example.

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:03

Its a uni library. I know she just saw the hand to mouth action and was on it, because it was early in the morning so the library was quiet and she probably had nothing else to do. I have spent between 6-10 hours a day in there for the last year. I haven’t been able to go back since. I now hate the place.

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Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:05

Aaaargh my skin is crawling so much from recounting this! I’m so so uncomfortable!!!!

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tessieandoz · 26/04/2019 21:06

Bless you. The person that counts a polo mint as " food" was absolutely ridiculous. No wonder it is playing on your mind. Please try and forget it; that was a stupid person.

redexpat · 26/04/2019 21:11

Could you reframe it in your mind as being informed rather than being told off?

WifOfBif · 26/04/2019 21:14

Can you recount it again? Keep doing it until it loses its effect? I understand that may not work for you, it was something suggested to me when I had counselling for a trauma a while ago and it did help.

You did nothing wrong. You didn’t know mints weren’t allowed, it was a simple mistake like a pp said. It seems such a shame to not go again over this.

Are you seeking any help for what happened in your childhood? CBT might be helpful to you.

Thinkinghappythoughts · 26/04/2019 21:17

I get this sometimes. I use mediation and mindfulness to help. Headspace is a really good app. It basically helps to focus your mind on something else and it slows my mind down from rehashing obsessively. Also a long exhausting sport session or two has a similar effect (for me running, cycling or fast-paced yoga for at least an hour). Again it concentrates the mind on something else and then really reduces the endlessness rehashing (rumination as it called in psychology I believe).

I hope you get through it. I have had episodes like this and it is very distressing. For me, it happen when I don't have enough to keep me busy. Maybe you should have a mental run through of how these are going in other aspects of your life to see if there is anything a miss.

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:20

I’m having CBT at the moment, but I’m on the 4th out of my 6 sessions so I’ve got to really really prioritise!!

In our house, there was no such thing as a mistake. The most banal of things were seen as a deliberate act of malice or destruction or attention seeking. As an adult, I just can’t do the wrong thing. I can’t make a mistake, I can’t be wrong, and I can’t apologise without feeling like I’m apologising for the world!

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Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:22

Being able to tell you is really helping, actually! It’s clearing the shame a bit!!!! :D

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Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:24

Also, the guy a few desks back was eating an actual croissant while she came over to me. She didn’t notice. It’s a little bit funny.

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WifOfBif · 26/04/2019 21:24

Oh good! I’m glad.

You really have nothing to be ashamed of though, although I know you won’t believe me!

jackparlabane · 26/04/2019 21:25

I had therapy which included working on similar stuff. I'd get caught up in a chain of thoughts like I got told off - which means they hate me which means I'm a bad person which means...

He helped me think about what was the consequence of my action, vs what was my opinion about it. I still find myself saying firmly, "that was the consequences, end of" in my mind.

Can you re-set how you feel about the library, maybe go to read something you really want to, or get some nice new stationery to use there, and link it to dome good thoughts instead?

Kittykat93 · 26/04/2019 21:30

Oh op. You've done nothing wrong and there's nothing to be embarrassed of. At all.

Stop thinking about it, I promise you the lady who said it won't even remember it now.

Thanks
cakeandchampagne · 26/04/2019 21:39

They considered a mint “food”!? What if you had a sore throat or were coughing, and it was for soothing your throat? I would consider calling and ask the head librarian about it.

Your childhood experiences probably made this extra stressful. Getting some professional help might be a good idea. Flowers

ReleaseTheBats · 26/04/2019 21:39

I wonder if the guy eating the croissant and not being asked not to, even though it was in a way funny, made the incident worse for you because of your childhood experience of punishment being out of proportion to what was done, and unpredicatable.

So you were doing something pretty innocuous (mint), he was eating a greasy croissant, making crumbs etc, yet you were the one who was "told off".

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:41

I think she just saw me put something in my mouth. I certainly wasn’t going to argue with her.

OP posts:
ReleaseTheBats · 26/04/2019 21:53

Have you tried applying the CBT techniques from your sessions to this incident? So you need to break the cycle of thoughts-feelings-behaviours, perhaps by challenging any irrational thoughts.

Eg perhaps change "I was told off because I was judged as being naughty" to "The librarian spotted me eating the mint and reminded me of the rules. She didn't spot the croissant eater"?

Original poster
TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 26/04/2019 21:56

Oooooh that’s interesting... my CBT sessions have never taught any techniques. It’s just been talking therapy. We talked about value-driven living, but that’s it?

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Branleuse · 26/04/2019 22:04

this is an intrusive thought. Let it flow. Its not real. Youre just stuck in a loop. Youre not a bad person and the librarian didnt give it a second thought.

Do you get a lot of intrusive obsessive thoughts? It can be a form of OCD, called "pure O"

Medicaltextbook · 26/04/2019 22:10

You did absolutely nothing wrong and can go back to the library, but your brain may not be telling you that.In terms of going back could you break it down. For example first try going and sitting outside the library. If that is ok into the main entrance and then onto one of the floors (maybe not the one where it happened.) You could do these gradually over a few days or quicker. Just take tiny steps towards it. First day of you get to outside the library that is completely successful.

Remind yourself the task for that day was just to be outside so complete success (to combat the any thoughts like “yes I’m outside the library but that’s not inside studying is it?”)

cakeandchampagne · 26/04/2019 22:10

Could you start going back to the library through different doors and/or sit in a different areas for a while? Could you tell a bold friend and take her along a few times?
Pp are probably right, that she has forgotten about it, though you are still bothered.

Lindy2 · 26/04/2019 22:15

You were doing something quite reasonable but she was fairly reasonable to point out the rules to you (if a bit jobsworth).
She didn't tell you off or punish you. She just let you know food wasn't allowed.
Go back, carry on as before and be proud of yourself for moving on. I'm sure the person involved would be horrified that her comment had upset you so much. It isn't what she would have intended.