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Mental health

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Original poster

Overwhelming feeling of hate

23 replies

BrokeMyFamily · 26/04/2019 19:14

I am at a loss for what to do. My husband and I are pregnant – I do not want to move forward with the pregnancy.

I have communicated this to him and I have communicated how I feel about the fetus. I don’t feel love for it and I am not excited about the whole process. I have strong feelings of anger, disgust, disappointment and hate toward it. He wants to see if we can work through this and come to a solution. His solution is that we keep it in the hopes that my feelings may change. I not opposed to working on it or speaking with someone else but the only resolution that will make him happy is if it resolves in his favor, which is keeping the baby. We are both on separate sides on the situation and I don’t see common ground in front of us.

If I terminate – he will resent me and we end in divorce. We move forward with the pregnancy and I am miserable, bring a child into this world that I already despise – we end in divorce because I fell into a tailspin of postpartum and resentment toward my husband for making me keep it. Either way, I feel we are headed down the road of divorce and I don’t want to lose him. He is my best friend.

I also don't need to hear that it takes two to tango, I understand that - I didn't realize that this overwhelming feeling of hate, despair, and resentment would take over.

I refuse to take anti-depressants - they are not an option.

Thoughtful advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

MFortune · 30/04/2019 09:01

You poor thing. I’m on here looking for help as i’ve Just been diagnosed with postnatal depression (which has shown itself in the form of hate and anger towards others although not really my baby or toddler thankfully) so i’m Not sure how much help I will be but I saw this and thought I can’t not respond. First off you need to see your GP and talk to a medical professional. Pregnancy is a massive life change and can bring on depression which it certainly sounds like yours has. At the end of the day you may decide to terminate your pregnancy but as you have said this will more than likely have consequences for your relationship with your husband so please seek the help of a professional first. In my experience (just yesterday) they won’t press antidepressants. There are other options. I know this hasn’t probably been much help but I really hope you feel better soon.

Mummaofmytribe · 30/04/2019 09:05

Go to your doctor or clinic asap. You need to tell someone professional how you're feeling as you are clearly in a terrible state. I would think you need specific counselling. Don't continue to suffer. Ask for help.
Good luck

Mrsjayy · 30/04/2019 09:07

Ok you are pregnant he isn't pregnant his body will never go through the changes yours is so you need to remember that your mental health comes first. Have you seen a midwife yet pre natal depression is very real and i think you (take your husband if you want) need to speak to somebody about this asap.

Connieston · 30/04/2019 09:14

Was it a planned pregnancy or a surprise? I'm just wondering if you're having a strong hormonal reaction to pregnancy. On another thread we were discussing D-Mer which happens sometimes when women breastfeed and is caused by hormonal changes and manifests as awful dysphoric feelings. I suppose it's possible something similar could happen in pregnancy.

Or perhaps you're simply not wanting to be pregnant. It's your body so you decide what happens. If that's a termination then that's your decision.

I hope you can talk to a doctor or midwife and get some support as it sounds an awful situation to be in.

Original poster

BrokeMyFamily · 01/05/2019 03:30

To all of you, thank you for your responses. I have spoke with my GP and have attended counseling sessions. They all say it will pass and you will love your baby when SHE arrives. That's the kicker - it's a girl. I dont want to raise a girl - dont want the baby at all. I dont want to have anything to do with it now or when it is born.

I watched the ultrasound and felt nothing - no excitement. As the tech is going ooooo hand, I didnt care, no fondness, love, no desire to carry the baby to term.

I know that if I keep it for my husbands sake - it will hurt our relationship because I wont participate in its life a d that will upset my husband and essentially put a rift between me and my family because they will wonder why I dont love it.

I dont, in all honesty know what to do. Either way, i am the horrible person who dosent want this fetus and will either lose a family I built or my own father, mother, etc.

OP posts:

mawof3soontobe · 01/05/2019 03:35

How many weeks are you OP? Have you felt this way the entire pregnancy?

Butteredghost · 01/05/2019 03:57

How far along OP? If you've had the scan where you find out the sex you must be over 20 weeks.

Alicewond · 01/05/2019 04:24

if You’re far enough along for gender testing on ultrasound, and then gp referrals for counselling. Surely baby is almost due by now?

Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2019 04:39

Very sad for the baby if she's going to be resented, hated and unloved. Is adoption an option? Or Special Guardianship within the family?

CallItLoneliness · 01/05/2019 09:12

Just guessing at something OP, but do you have a severe case of gender disappointment (hate the term, but that's what it's called)? If that is what is going on here, most people go on to be ok, but counselling would really help you, probably. A big part of what is going on is grieving the picture you had in your head of your life with your son, and I suspect you feel like this baby has "stolen" that from you. I suspect that you feel like this baby has stolen the life you pictured form you anyway, actually.

I hope you find some peace, whatever you decide to do. You can't go back at this point, there is nothing that can give you back the life you had. You only have choices now about what will be.

Original poster

BrokeMyFamily · 01/05/2019 17:09

I have been on the fence about the pregnancy the whole time - never really that excited about it. I have tried but I can't get there.

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 01/05/2019 17:13

How many weeks are you. If you know the sex must be quite far along.
Must keep trying counselling.

Original poster

BrokeMyFamily · 01/05/2019 17:15

Sorry - I should have kept adding to the message. I am 17 weeks. I am not grieving - I flat out don't want a daughter and yes it would be terrible for this creature to grow up with the feeling that it is unloved and unwanted. Adoption isn't an option - my husband won't do that. If my husband were to take special guardianship - I am still around it. I don't want to pay for it, raise it, or participate in its life. I have done that already with my husband's first daughter. I refuse to do it again.

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 17:20

"Either way, i am the horrible person who dosent want this fetus and will either lose a family I built or my own father, mother, etc."

are you saying your parents will be angry with you?

It seems to me to be very clear - you do not want this baby. There's no common ground with your husband. I can't see a way forward for you unless there's some info missing. You need to terminate or put the baby up for adoption.

very sorry you are going through this.

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 17:21

sorry, missed that your DH won't have adoption.

then you must terminate the pregnancy.

Connieston · 01/05/2019 17:25

The depths of your feelings are starkly evident and I really think you need to get urgent support in real life because decisions need to be made and soon. A termination is still possible but only for a few more weeks and then the outcome will be a baby, like it or not. You sound like you are at a real crisis point and those around you need to take you seriously. I really hope you can get some help. Anxiety about impending motherhood is one thing but what you're feeling is way beyond that.

AuldJosey · 01/05/2019 17:28

Was your husband's first daughter also yours? Or a step child?

You certainly don't sound to be in the right frame of mind for a baby, so I would worry a lot about how that baby might be cared for and treated.

So late in term, I don't agree with abortion at this stage. (My own personal view).

Tell your husband that you'll give birth and he can take the baby but that you want nothing to do with it? Otherwise adoption?

AnneTwackie · 01/05/2019 17:28

Did you fall pregnant by accident?

AuldJosey · 01/05/2019 17:29

It's obviously too late now, but why didn't you abort when you found out?

AuldJosey · 01/05/2019 17:31

Have you been investigated for prenatal depression?

Lllot5 · 01/05/2019 17:32

Is it because you’re having a girl ? Or would it be the same if you were having a boy? Maybe you can’t answer that because you wouldn’t know.
I’m tempted to say maybe you’ll feel differently when the baby is born but that sounds flippant.
Back to GP for more counselling is my only suggestion.

Goldmandra · 01/05/2019 17:45

If you expect the relationship to end in divorce no matter what, could you agree to have the baby, give her to your DH and walk away, with the agreement that he won't seek contact or maintenance for her?

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 01/05/2019 17:52

Have you asked your husband what will happen if the baby is carried to term and your feelings don't change after the birth? What would his plan be then? Would adoption then be a possibility?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm also wondering if you have ante-natal depression or whether the conception was an accident, you've never wanted a baby etc

I have to say though, if you feel this strongly it's not fair on any of the 3 of you to keep this child.

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