Hi everybody, I’m new to MN but recently I’ve been feeling like I could do with ‘someone to talk to iykwim.
I’ll give a smidge of background, but it’s gonna be a loooong post!
I live with my OH of 10 years, our two daughters (7 and 2), his son (10) lives with us on weekends and occasionally pops round during the week for dinner, and our dog!
I work two jobs (which make up a full time jobs worth, my own choice) and love both my jobs. OH also works full time.
I think my main issues stem from birth tbh. My mum and my dad had a secret relationship (he was married and had children, I know of them but only talk to my one half brother occasionally), and my dad was a violent person to everybody. His wife left him with their children to a hostel, and my mum left him with me when I was about 2.
I grew up from then on having absolutely no contact with him, and I really don’t care about him. I know exactly where he is, could go knock his door, but I don’t want or need that.
Due to this, I lived with just my mum in a small two bed flat. From my earliest memories she was extremely controlling on every aspect of my life. Just a couple of examples, I was only allowed to shower on specific days. These days were always a day after she had cleaned the bathroom as she didn’t want it to be a mess. I had to clean the entire bathroom after every shower, including drying windows and mirrors of all watermarks. If I didn’t, I got smacked.
I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until I got bullied for having dark hairy legs, and even then it was my best friend mum who told her she needed to let me do it. My Nan bought me a razor with my pocket money as my mum wouldn’t let me have my own (she basically refused to buy me one full stop),
I had to have my hair a certain way every day, and she had to do it, even at 15 when I was leaving school. If I said ‘ow’, I’d get smacked with the brush.
I wasn’t allowed out with friends until 15, and even then I had to be home ridiculously early (school finished at 3, I had to go home first to get changed, and then be back home by 4). Being 15 I was dying for freedom and purposely didn’t go back on time and my mum then told everybody I had mental health issues and stopped me going out altogether.
There is a hell of a lot more as you can imagine..
My Nan (my mums mum) was absolutely my rock and she was the one who I felt the motherly connection to. She listened to me, stuck up for me, and told my mum off a lot where she had been too controlling. She had a stroke though when I was 12 which affected her badly, some days she didn’t know who I was. She ended up passing away in a care home a few years later, my life was just thrown.
I hadn’t got my nan to back me up with my mum, so we were at loggerheads several times a day about stupid things (me wanting to go to a friends for a sleepover and not being allowed). She told all the family that I was mentally unstable and that I should probably be sectioned as I was incapable of understanding ‘simple instructions’.
At 18, I was allowed out to college and to have a tiny bit of a social life. I met a guy who eventually became my first serious relationship, and when I look back, he was actually a really decent person. He had a full time job, a car, and was stable! We were together about 2 years. About 18m in, I fell pregnant. Wasn’t planned, but wasn’t sad about it, and he even said we would muddle through it. We weren’t living together, I was still living with my mum so knew I’d have to tell her eventually.
When I told her, she was mortified. She told me that I didn’t have the mental capacity to look after myself let alone a child, and that I needed to go for an abortion. I told her no. About two weeks later, she said she had booked me a doctors appointment to discuss the pregnancy so obviously I went to it. She told the doctor, with me sat next to her, that again I was not mentally stable and that this baby would need taking in to care if I had it, and that she said I needed an abortion. The doctor asked me if I wanted an abortion, I said no, and my mum said that was an example of my instability. My whole family turned on me, told me I would lose their ‘support’ if I didn’t have an abortion. At that point as I had no friends, I felt that was my only choice.
To this day, it is my biggest regret and I have never ever forgiven my mum, my family or myself for that.
I eventually couldn’t take any more, and moved myself out in to a hostel. I was just so so desperate for freedom and the ability to have my own life, and the hostel really helped me out massively. My mum refused to let me take anything from home in my room as she had bought it, so I went with the clothes on my back. I had a tiny studio with a little shower room but I never felt so free. I started building myself a life, I went to college, got a job, and also met my OH.
I’d known of him for years as we’d crossed paths in college, but fell completely in love with him. I immediately got on well with his mum, his brother, his entire family. They were the family I felt I’d been lacking. He took me on their family holiday after we had been together only 3 months, and he introduced me to his son then. It was always made very clear to his son I wasn’t his mum, and even now he’s 10 we get on really well.
I fell pregnant after about 6 months of us being together, and she was planned. I still spoke to my mum and saw her occasionally because I had thought at the end of the day, she’s my mum and she has brought me up albeit not in the way I’d bring up my own, when I told her, she immediately said again I wasn’t mentally stable etc etc but I knew I wanted my baby. After giving birth, and seeing I could actually keep another human alive I felt that alone was giving her a big middle finger to her mental issues she claimed I had that I never mentioned it again.
I had dd2 6 years later, and know now that I had some pnd with her. My mums controlling seemed to get worse too, and she would get offended by everything I did or said. She told me that she had bought me two huge storage bins, but when she showed me a picture I said (and not nastily) that they were too big for our house as we live in a small compact cottage. She went in a mood with me about that.
She told me that my house was messy, that it needed decorating, that the dog was dangerous (he most certainly isn’t as he wouldn’t even know how to hurt a fly) and I told her that we had our house the way we wanted it. She took offence to that.
I never prevented her from seeing the girls, but at age 5 dd1 asked me “why does nanny hate you so much” and that was just based on her seeing how I was talked to. I said I don’t think she hates me but that we just don’t agree with each other very much.
When dd2 was 3m old, I was blue lighted in to hospital with unexplained massive blood loss. I was told I’d had a miscarriage and would need emergency surgery to remove the clots and cells, and was borderline needing a transfusion. We weren’t trying, but that baby would certainly have been loved just like the others. I had to be taken to a specialist hospital which was a long way from home, and as nobody I know except my mum drives, she had to come and collect me. She didn’t visit me for the week I was in despite knowing what happened and I didn’t want OH coming with the kids to see me like that so it was a very lonely time. When my mum collected me, she waited outside the hospital as she didn’t want to pay for the parking, and as soon as I got in to the car, silence. No ‘how are you feeling’ etc. About 15 minutes in to the journey she blurted out ‘why don’t you just stop having sex.’ Stunned I said nothing, and she then went on to say ‘I can’t believe the shit you put me through.’
This was a huge turning point for me, and my relationship with her just became non existent and I began questioning whether I should have her in my life.
I did stop talking to her for almost a month, she then put a note through my door saying she loved me and didn’t know why I was being so hostile to her and that I needed to go family counselling with her.
I agreed. We went to the first session together, and in the car she said “now listen to what this woman’s going to tell you, I’ve been trying to get this into your skull all your life”.
Therapist said that I seemed very level headed and stable, and suggested to my mum that she needed some sessions on her own to figure out what the problem was. Her face dropped and on the journey home she did not say a single word.
We attended a few more sessions and the therapist said that she believed my mums OCD and upbringing were the reason why she was so strict with me, but they had been working on it together and my mum vowed to change.
That lasted about a week.
I’ve been putting up with it since, and we can’t go out without her disagreeing with me about something. She offers to take me shopping, but then scrutinises every item I put in the trolley. We take the girls out for a day trip, she moans that I spend too much money on them. Dd1 doesn’t want to go to hers anymore as she gets bored with not being allowed to do anything, but my mum says that’s me putting ideas in her head being malicious.
Two weeks ago, I discovered I’d lost a filling in my tooth, and was in agony. My dentist couldn’t fit me in for a couple of days but I couldn’t cope. I asked my mum if she wouldn’t mind popping me to the out of hours dentist to get it sorted. She said it was fine, but as soon as we got there she was moaning that we would be there for hours. I had an assessment, then an X-ray, and was waiting to find out what needed to be done. She kept saying why couldn’t I just wait for the dentist, why was it taking so long etc and I snapped and said ‘just go home then’. She sat in silence after that. There was a man talking to his partner sat behind us, and my mum just got up and said “I can’t listen to this mans shit any more” and walked off. Luckily I got called in at that exact moment too, where they said it would need extensive work. With it being a back tooth I said I’d prefer to have it out so they arranged that there and then.
I then had a panic attack. I don’t remember how but I woke up with tubes up my nose. The tooth was gone, they said I passed out as they pulled it but I don’t remember. They asked who I was with I said my mum but wasn’t sure where she was as she’d stormed off. A nurse came with me and we found her, she explained what had happened and said I needed to be looked after for the rest of the day. Got to the car and she told me I’d been ridiculous and ‘clearly hadn’t had a panic attack’. I went home and OH looked after me for the rest of the day as I felt exhausted.
Weekend just gone, she wanted to go to a local farm and shop with the girls so we went. They liked looking at the animals but not for much longer than an hour (it was a small place). It was then lunch time, so I said we were going to pop to the cafe for food. My mum ignored me and walked off somewhere else. Me and the girls sat eating lunch on a bench and she came over with a coffee and just sat there. We finished and my eldest said she wanted to go home now, my mum glared at me as if I had said it and we went home, she didn’t even say goodbye to me or to the girls.
I’ve actually been to the doctor who has referred me for CBT but said I should strongly consider keeping a relationship with my mum as she doesn’t feel it is beneficial for my health.
OH and his family think that she behaves very irrationally and oddly, and I know this myself.
I don’t see any of my family on my mums side at all, so wouldn’t lose a great amount there.
I feel sad to be considering it, but I really don’t feel I can cope with her attitude towards me any more.
I’d be more tempted to go back to the therapist but not sure if it’s worth it as the same things will be said and be ignored!