would you tell new therapist that you tried and left therapy before?

[insightopedia]

I didn't like my last 3 therapists. I didn't feel any empathy. I recently called a therapist to discuss her availability and mentioned I had seen a therapist before, and she gave me a kind of lecture that I should be motivated to do the work, only then change can happen. I had not complained about any homework.
I had liked her profile. Then she also asked me about how I am going to pay. I sent her a text and she replied a week later that she was away on annual holidays, and that she has an appointment available tomorrow if I like. Again mentioned payment.
I am already not trusting her.

Now I am messaging another therapist.

So I have 2 questions - is there something wrong with my thinking that I don't trust therapists anymore?
I didn't really trust last one too.

Should I voluntarily tell next therapist that I had tried therapy before or will it cause him to think I am not motivated enough?

A decent therapist will help you get to the bottom of why you struggle to trust therapists (possibly this is true of people in general). A decent therapist will also understand that you need to feel comfortable with a therapist in order for them to be able to help you. However, I wouldn't be too keen on the one that has given you a lecture without even meeting you to see if you have a general issue with trusting people. I would mention to this new one that you have tried therapy before and that you are open to exploring why you find it so difficult to trust someone.

Have you posted before? This sounds similar to something else.

She's behaving professionally by mentioning payment - why does this make you not trust her? It's good to get these things sorted upfront.
She's also being good, replying while she's on holiday.
Nothing you describe seems like something not to trust her over.
Also, your opinion on what a 'lecture' is might be very different to mine, so that's hard to comment on.

I would definitely mention you've had therapy before - it's good to be open and honest

God the last therapy I used supported the fact that I was abused because of his childhood (potentionally) and I had to suck up anythng else

what type of therapy is it?

I would gently suggest that there appears to be a recurring pattern of breakdown in your relationships with therapists and it would be vorth exploring why with any new one.

It's legitimate and indeed professional for her to want to sort out the terms of payment at an early stage, so issues with it don't get in the way of your work together.

Thanks everyone. I found one therapist very pushy with all the homework. The other therapist was making me see my family even more negatively. I used to waste a lot of energy explaining their intentions, and him insisting on this conclusions. The last one was dismissive and would let me go on rants and then make concluding comments near end of sessions.

But I agree I have become very negative and distrustful and don't know if I can trust my own judgement.
I just called new therapist and he talked in quite controlled way, so I feel he won't be forthcoming with help. So I think I don't like anyone.
I used to easily trust people before but they really disappointed me - a lot of lies by my own family whom I supported by bending over backwards.
AndItStillSaidFourofTwo I am told I have ptsd or c-ptsd. Either CAT with CBT with the lady who gave a mini lecture or EMDR, schema, CBT, mindful etc with the guy who spoke a few words :-) I need to make up my mind. Any suggestions would be welcome? :-)

PresidentHump, she mentioned payment 3 times after I already told her I have insurance. She asked how many pre-approved sessions I got and then reminded me again today about payment.
She didn't message from holiday. She had asked me to text her email 10 days ago and never responded until today that she is back from vacation.
Grumpbum I felt my last therapist downplayed my abuse.

To be honest, I feel therapy doesn't work for anyone. I am a bit hopeless or maybe you need to be at rock bottom to make changes to improve. I had taken psychotherapy years ago, it was insightful but that's it.

Oh you poor thing OP I think I remember your previous posts. You just need to find one you click with, from your posts it sounds like warmth, empathy and insightful conversation matter. You can find online quizzes for what type of person you are in therapy.

Thanks wiggle
What i don’t understand is how to find this therapist I can click with without talking to them.
Maybe the ones at NHS are better. In private, it’s like a business. My therapist let me go and on in rants and sit there looked bored, and suddenly session is over. I wish I had unlimited supply of money to fund this but I don’t. It wasn’t even psychotherapy. I feel some people are in such difficult situations, even therapist don’t know how to help.

I presume by CAT you mean ACT?
I think either ACT or schema therapy sound like they might be good bets.

Again as gently as possible - reading your further posts, I wonder a little whether any therapist can come up to your ideal, which you seem to be seeking, or whether something about all of them will put you off by seeming unempathetic. And perhaps you are imagining proper 'therapy' to bring about a magical tansformation, when in fact most of it (I speak from experience) is hard labour on your part - but hard labour worth doing. Perhaps you are subconsciously finding reasons not to engage in that painful work? (I am aware how very important the relationship is - the therapy that worked for me wasn't my first by a long chalk - but the 'failures' of the previous ones weren't due to the therapists' approaches as such).

The biggest indicator of whether therapy will be successful is the relationship between client and therapist. The first sessions are about establishing that.
Find a therapist you can learn to trust, it doesn’t sound like these are the right ones for you.
And whoever drew conclusions and tried to direct you to them was doing it all wrong. CAT is meant to be about reflecting back your experiences/ thoughts/ feelings to help you make sense of them, not framing them in a way that makes sense to the therapist (I trained in CAT and CBT a long time ago)

Thanks Anditstillsaid and howmanysleeps
The therapist who insisted on his interpretation had invented his own techniques which he got trademarked. And insisted on his interpretation over mine. Eg. my mum had decades of abuse and v hard life, she depends on me emotionally. She sees herself as a victim and blows up easily which affects me considering I am going through stress of my own. Once she is in that mode, it takes her time to become normal and then wants everything to be normal with expectation that I should forgive and forget as she had a difficult life. She knew a little about my problems. I have now stopped telling her anything because either she starts panicking or in anger says not so nice things. Therapist tried to convince me she is selfish and doesn’t care. I don’t agree completely as it’s far more complex than a simplistic she is selfish. This is just one example. My therapist was v educated, ambitious and invented his own techniques and this caused him to be way to confident about knowing everything about me and people in life in 2 sessions.
I don’t want a perfect therapist. But I need some empathy and real listening from a therapist more so because I don’t have that otherwise in my life.

Yes - you want to build trust and also figure out why you're struggling when it comes to sticking with one

I stopped seeing two therapists. They were not the right therapists for me, and I am unsure if they were good therapists (I think probably not). I am glad that I stopped seeing them. I think that it is quite easy to get onto counselling courses, and there are many people who don’t actually have what it takes to be a good therapist. I ‘interviewed’ about five therapists after that before finding the wonderful therapist that I have now. I am going private. I felt uncomfortable telling her that I had seen two therapists before her, I told her about it during my first session, and told her that I had stopped seeing the two therapists as it had been too difficult. I have since told her more about what happened with those therapists, and I know that she does not regard them highly. I would recommend telling a new therapist that you have tried therapy before, if they ask, otherwise maybe wait until you are ready to talk about, if it’s something that you feel you need to talk about. Your previous therapists don’t sound that great to me, I’m not surprised you didn’t have much trust in them.

fivecupsoftea thanks for writing about your experience.

How did you interview 5 therapists? On phone without any fees?
I usually send a text asking if they are taking new patients, if so I would like to have a brief call. Last 2 therapists, didn't respond about the call bit. I met one without any conversation and found her very dismissive and downplaying of issues. The other I finally asked to call, he barely responded with brief sentences. I have started to feel maybe I need to compromise a bit and go ahead with one of my previous therapists. I am very anxious, lonely and need support.
Are you based in London?

No, I had to pay them. I basically just had a first session with them. Two of them I saw for more than one session. I didn’t find the whole thing very easy. My view is that is that it is too important to compromise. I think that no therapy is better than bad therapy. I am outside London, where therapy is generally a bit cheaper. Hope you find someone.

Trust your instincts. There are lots of terrible therapists out there.

My diagnosis was ptsd and need to see a clinical psychologist. They are too academic and cbt oriented. But how long can I keep looking.
I can’t afford so many privately paid sessions just to find right one. It’s min £110 per session here :(

There are counsellors and psychotherapists who help clients work through PTSD with some success, insightopedia. In my experience it's not a condition/diagnosis which is only amenable to treatment by a clinical psychologist. But unfortunately that still leaves you with the problem of finding a decent, affordable one! And I'm guessing you're probably in central or West London, coz in other parts of London you can see a good therapist for half that price, if you can spare the time to commute a bit.

Thanks reenchantment
I have complex ptsd starting from childhood and a lot of trauma / abuse throughout. Apparently repeated trauma / abuse changes our brain (that's what I was told). A clinical psychologist learns about it during studying. I have read about bpd, I have some symptoms (not all). Perhaps that's why I need someone more trained.

Yes that could well be the case. Perhaps a psychologist can treat people with complex PTSD from the standpoint of neuroscience, although I'm not sure what that would entail. For years the counselling and psychotherapy approach has largely been based on the maxim "the relationship is the therapy" and I believe in some cases that can certainly be true but it requires a vulnerability on the part of the therapist to enter deeply into the therapeutic relationship, and many of them don't (from what I've seen). However, they expect the client to! Part of the problem is that many therapists do the bare minimum when it comes to their own training therapy and consequently don't have long experience of being on the client's side of the arrangement, which in my opinion is disingenuous. But they qualify nevertheless and go on to charge high fees for work which can lack the kind of empathy that comes from having undergone a deeper experience of their own process in therapy.

For what it's worth, if a therapist put such obvious emphasis on payment arrangements before even having met a client, I'd feel she didn't trust me. One mention is enough prior to actually sitting down with a client and having that all-important first session! And the emphasis on working at your therapy is another assumption on her part. My feeling is that if the therapeutic relationship is a good fit, clients will naturally feel motivated to work on themselves outside the therapy sessions. And even then it needs to be a fairly individual approach to working on themselves if it's going to be useful to them, and that might only be formulated after supportive exploration with the therapist.

I have seen a few people for help and a couple worked brilliantly and the others not so much. I'd asked I would always say I've seen people before and sometimes what type of help I had had.

Some didn't work due to feeling like the person didn't understand, or I felt they weren't listening or I felt they weren't qualified to help.

I think whether it works/helps is a mixture of things. The two that helped the most I trusted and liked the minute I set eyes on them plus I was ready. I liked a couple of previous people but I wasn't fully ready, they didn't stay focussed on the issue and maybe other stuff too. The

What worked for me was EMDR for one issue and DBT for another. I've recently started seeing someone else for different help but the issues are all linked really.

I used CBT with Exposure Response Prevention for OCD in past and it completely changed my life for better for a few years. Therapist was young but very motivated, at times a bit strict, would tell me if I distract in a session but in that scenario that approach helped.
Now I need help with far more complex condition. I still trust CBT for certain conditions like depression, anxiety. But CBT tends to minimise abuse or downplay negative behaviours of others/ negative circumstances and entirely focuses on patient's faulty thought pattern.

Thanks Sunshinecake. What kind of issues does DBT help with? I read somewhere it teaches you to be more empathetic and mindful. Is that correct?

I'm not sure but maybe more empathetic to oneself and mindful of ones own feelings.

That’s tough if they charge around £110 near you. Are you looking on the counselling directory? Some of the therapists on there will take some lower cost clients. The therapists I’ve seen have all charged £50-£60. I would second the suggestion of a therapist trained in EMDR, and experienced with trauma. My therapist does EMDR, we are not doing EMDR, but she seems to know more what to do when difficult feelings come up for me. I have a couple of friends who are psychologists, and I work alongside psychologists, I myself wouldn’t choose to see one as many of them have not had their own therapy, and they are not always so focused on the relational work, more on skills. One of my friends has never heard of the theory that relational therapy can change your brain. I think psychologists charge more than psychotherapists when they do private work.

Hi everyone, thanks for your posts. Just to update, I have booked one session with lady who gave me mini lecture and mentioned payment several times.
I have been alone and lonely to the point of mental breakdown. I decided to give her a chance. Maybe it’s time for me to learn to let somethings go. Thank you

Well done!

Do you feel able to tell her what she did that made you feel uneasy? It could be that when you meet you quickly feel safe with her and so the lecture and payment thing becomes a non issue. If not, then it may be freeing for you to tell her and also good for her to learn that she's coming across less than welcoming.

Let us know how you get on if you want.