Worried our separation will make DD's anorexia and MH worse

[redbluesky]

Our marriage hasn't been working for many years, we've tried countless times to "fix" things. We decided to separate in December but haven't actually separated yet. Mainly because we have no idea how to tell DD who is currently struggling with anorexia and depression. Things have only been getting worse I don't want to throw this news on her too. She has a tendency to blame herself for things that certainly aren't in her control, along with really struggling to cope with situations like this that she cannot control which is partly why she became anorexic, wanting to have control of something. She's obviously noticed something is going on, she's heard us arguing, noticed we don't sleep in the same room anymore but still I cannot bring myself to actually tell her but we can't live like this forever

Bump

How old is she? I think you and your partner need to agree how you are going to do it then tell her if that makes sense. Rather than telling her to see her reaction then deciding how to do it. Sit down and talk about why you are separating, who is moving out and when, how often she will see them, reassurance you love her, give her space to ask questions, let her know its okay to be upset, encourage her to talk about how she feels

She's 14

She will be fully aware your marriage is broken at that age. Telll her you are separating and discuss a timeframe that considers her needs

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/talking-about-separation/telling-children

You never know, she might actually be relieved

It is very possible that having a final decision will actually be better for her MH. She will certainly know that things aren't right and it's probably fairer to tell her rather than leave her wondering. Make sure you both tell her you love her although you don't love each other, reassure her that it's not because of her and DON'T slag each other off to her.

I can't help but feel like we're failing her slightly by giving up on our marriage but it probably will be the best decision in the long run

She has the rest of her life to look forward to as she gets better OP. After my parents divorced, one of the best things I did was to go interrailing (I was 18) with two good friends. Maybe encourage her to have an aim to look forward to for herself?

It sounds like you are sad and disappointed too. I suppose it is a loss of childhood but she can make choices about living arrangements etc. Give her lots of love, reassurance. You may find you forge better relationships with her in future - it is a wonderful thing to see parents happy, whether in new relationships or not. Thats not to say she may not also feel anger, hurt or resentment but you just have to stay positive throughout xx