I apologise for the really long post, i just need to get some of it out.
thank you if you choose to read ahead.
there isn't really a beginning for where to start on this, if I wanted to find a root cause for my life, id probably say birth.. but we'll skip the shitty childhood and fast forward to now.
to put it simply, I hate my life, I hate myself, and most of the time I just wish it would end.
im 24, I have 2 beautiful daughters (aged 2 and 4) and the most wonderful partner I could ever dream of asking for, those alone are my reasons to be alive.. but even then I can very quickly rationalise why they would all be better off without me. I also have a part time job and university.
my mental health has fluctuated since I was a child, I have depression & anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and other specified feeding or eating disorder.. and right now, its really really poor. I am so unbelievably tired, all of the time. me and my children's father co parent and get on very well, so I do have days where I don't have the girls but that's okay, with my health as it is its for the best.
most of my stresses are normal things, I struggle for money and have debts I'm forever trying to remember since I subconsciously block things from my head (as a coping mechanism as a child) which has resulted in my memory being pretty shit.. my house and garden is incomplete, it was a state when we moved in (council property, UK) and I've not have the time or funds to do a lot with it 3 years later, I wish it could be better for my girls. when it comes to housework, im never on top of it, im so physically drained all of the time the thought of moving gives me a headache, I just want to spend all and every day in my bed. there's always washing, washing up, just general clutter around and I try my best, but it always reverts or ends up half done.
im behind on my uni work, of course, but I haven't done it, because I just cant face anything. I never seem to have the energy for the simplest take, ive tried many different medications for my depression and have extras because I cant sleep properly at night so that doesn't help. it seems nothing I try works. I don't drink enough, I know that doesn't help, and neither do my issues with food, but when I try very hard to eat a recommended daily allowance (or even half of) each day and drink some water, it doesn't improve.
I take a multi vit with iron as recommended by my pharmacist but it doesn't help, my bloods all come back as 'OK' despite my weight and eating habits. I have maintained regular exercise before, maybe that helped. I don't know. no late nights, nothing makes me feel better.
mentally im beyond done. I hate myself a lot, im selfish sometimes and put myself first (eg buying myself something with spare money rather than paying towards a bill), I love my girls more than anything on the planet, id do anything for them, id never change them, they're the little bit of light that is present in my life, but im so often that having them can feel like a chore, which leaves me in absolute self disgust, because they're my everything. I hate my life. I have business ideas I want to work on, one is a guaranteed money maker, but I haven't started it because im too tired, I don't have the mental energy to start up a business plan and progress. I cant be bothered, and the worst thing is that I know im in control of all this, of my life, but I don't know where to start. whatever I do, it doesn't seem to help.
emotionally im in a pit, my head hurts a lot and im suicidal most days. ive been self harming since a child on and off but even that doesn't help anymore, I fantasise about being dead and the pain ending that is always lurking behind the scenes ready to paralyse my entire world. I don't want to leave my girls or partner, but as I said, I genuinely believe they'd be better without me and whatever reason im given as to why they're not, I can counter why they are.
I have no support with my mental health, I have medication, and ive been assessed a few times and in hospital twice for overdosing (more to self harm, I took myself to hospital each time) which is now why my children don't live with me full time. id never harm them, but because I cant always cope. I failed them.
There is nothing for me, counselling doesn't help me, ive tried several times but my issues are so deep I need one to one psychological care, and the only service available won't take me because Im never 3 months self harm free.
im not close to any family, and only have my dad local, he tries his best but we don't talk about personal issues, I don't with any of the relatives I speak to, which is only my grandma and sometimes my mum outside of that.
a psychiatrist asked me what I want her to do, and said there was nothing else to offer me. I told her this is why people kill themselves. ive considered putting myself into hospital before, but if I did that I couldn't work and would loose my house and my car and god knows what else, so its not an option. I know a lot of this is self pity, people have struggles but they carry on, and maybe I just need to give myself a kick up the backside, but it hasn't helped before, so why would it now?
im just exhausted, I don't see an end to it. I see no end to the mental pain that shatters the world around me, im exhausted with not being helped and not helping myself, im tired of trying, even when things get better.. it always comes back to this. I just want to close my eyes and live in a dream, or not live at all. either way really.
I cant keep coming back to sobbing and screaming because my head hurts so much and it won't stop, it seems to get louder each time.
the one thing I wanted to do was be a better mother than my own, but ive failed my children already, they deserve so much better than me and its torture.
thats how I feel, like im stuck inside mental torture that is my own head, and I cant get away, I cant fix it, and I don't know how much longer I can go on.