Can’t see a future and I’m scared

[GreyWalls76]

I’m trying to keep this as short as possible. I don’t know if this is the right place, but I just need to get the thoughts out of my mind.

Past: was with ex 8 years, had a stillborn DD followed by 7mc. Relationship broke down as EX cheated and got OW pregnant. Has since had 3 children. After my relationship broke down, I struggled. I lost friends, family and everything. I was in self destruct mode, rock bottom.

I quit my job, made a fresh start, bought a house, went back to university to get my dream career. I didn’t stop, I focused all my time and energy in building this life. I papered over my feelings, cracks. I still had wobbles, but on the outside I was doing well.

In them “single” years I met a few people, dated. But nothing was serious. They where all idiots to be fair, one cheated, one left me for his ex, one treated me badly. The worse bit was opening up about my previous relationship, and one guy turning round to me saying, well if you can’t have kids, I don’t want to be with you. That was that, I got tested, (previous NHS tests had flaws) found there was several issues preventing me from being a mum.

As time went on I met my latest partner, we have been together 3 years. He had children. At first I said I wouldn’t date people with DC (don’t judge) because I couldn’t face it emotionally. So when I found out I cooled it off, but I liked him, and in the end gave it a go, despite many close friends (now ex friends) saying it was a mistake.

In the last 3 years my life has felt complete. I had a great job, house, family, DP, and a great future ahead.

But now we have split up. Everything has come crashing down and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve seen the GP and I’ve been prescribed AD, I go to counseling again. I’ve missed loads of time off work.

My probably is I don’t see a future for myself anymore, (split 4 months btw) I know it’s still fresh. People keep saying it’s natural that you feel a bit like this in a break up. But to me this is so much more.

I feel like I’ve been at rock bottom before, I’ve been single. The thought of being single again makes me sick, meeting them idiots, people that hurt me. The house I had bought, has been transformed into a family home, and now it’s being stripped back, but the nails hanging the pictures up, will still be there. My job, I feel like I’m drowning in. My P worked in a similar industry, and now I feel trapped, like I can’t speak to him for advice etc. I’ve lost my DSC, who I have loved and cared for so much, which has brought back memories of loosing my own DC.

I feel so lonely, but yet so busy, like I’m drowning. I don’t know what to do. I’ve had thoughts in my head about not continuing and what’s the point, and thinking of the struggle to get back to being me, I just don’t feel any enthusiasm or strength to do it. Feels like the easiest thing would be to end the pain.

Sorry for the long post.

I didn't want to read and run.

That sounds so difficult. I'm so sorry you've been through such a tough time.

The trouble of being in the pit of a mental health crisis is it's really easy to feel that this is forever. This isn't forever. This is just now. You do have a future. It may not look as you thought it would or as you think you would like it at the moment, but you are just at a particularly shitty stage of this particular journey. You are not at the destination.

Please take care of yourself and go gentle. Might it help to talk to the Samaritans. They should listen without judgement and can give you the space to talk about your difficult feelings.

Love and strength to you

Oh darling, you have been through such a tough time, but firstly can I just say how bloody strong you have been and how inspiring that is, honestly incredible. I actually think you've shown others and yourself what people are capable of and it's incredible!

It's more than okay to feel shitty and completely normal, so there's no reason why at the moment, you can't give yourself a little time to feel like that, why not, reading how you've coped before, it won't be forever and you'll be smashing you're next thing right out the park. Give yourself time to feel whatever you need to, yoh don't have to make any decisions right now about what to do, you don't actually have to 'do' anything.
Look after yourself and you know what, get something booked in to look forward to, something bloody amazing, like a photography course abroad, where you get to capture amazing beauty and things that make you happy in a gorgeous setting, something exciting!
You got this OP! X

You are a survivor no doubt about it. You are having a rubbish time at the moment & you will get through it, its just right now you're in the thick of it. It may take a bit of time for the ad's to kick in so bear with it.
Reading your post it seems like you give a lot to people & that generally emotionally you are quite vulnerable. Use this time to build up some resilience. Take some time off work if you can, look upon it as an investment.

the ADs need time to work. how long have you been taking them?
you have been through a lot. you will rise up again. unfortunately there are nasty people around, you have to ignore them.
you can take a break from your job and have some rest.
in the future, when you feel better you can look for adoption maybe?
this will pass, too. it just needs time.

OP, can only really echo what others have replied. Yes, you've been through an extremely difficult time. It really has been as fucking shittily hard as it feels. The level of frustration and utter confusion you must be feeling... immense. Not an easy place to have come to right now. And to feel all that loss, after so many tries to get things the way you would've preferred them to be. Heartbreakingly disappointing for you. And with all the non-stop work commitments and 'domestic' balls to keep in the air, you would feel lonely and scared. I read your post knowing there wasn't a happy ending yet, otherwise why would you be posting.

But at the same time I knew your post was part of the beginning of your fight back. Whatever it fucking takes, and also don't be scared of re-drawing a few previously 'non-negotiable' lines, or of making mistakes while you get things to more where you'd like them to be.

The reason it's a cliche is coz it's true : one minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time. And proper regular rests in between all the moments of treading water, paddling, swimming. Look for the light wherever you can see it. Keep your eyes peeled.

Thank you for all your beautiful replies. Sorry it’s took me this long to read them.

I know I’ve been here before, I know that I came out stronger and that I achieved so much. I also know that this this is “now” and whilst I need to take time, small steps and each day as it comes, it only seems to be getting harder.

The perspective I’m looking at this. Is before I longed for a family, but I had never experienced first hand family life. The tantrums, tears, first of everything (steps, words, day at school etc). It was harder to forget what I was longing for, and in reality I think I just made myself so busy that I forgot what an emotional state I was, and just covered it all up.

The last 4months have resurfaced everything, and it’s all hit me ten times harder than before. I had quite a key role in my DSC life, and being part of that family unit. Before I met my EX I had just bought a house, but it was a box. Over time he and the DSC moved in and we created a family home. We did things as a family every week. It was amazing, he was an amazing P and we went on holidays, and everything. The DSC called me step mum. We had so many plans for the future, we had just started looking at new homes, instructed a solicitor to formalize custody arrangements. There is so much more, but don’t want to “out” myself.

Now it just seems like everything has gone, and that my future has gone. I’m scared, of being alone, I’m having aniexty over simple things that have never bothered me before. I’ve been on the AD 4 months, because as soon as I saw my GP she signed me off, and understood that this was a break down of me, not just my relationship. I’ve only been back at work 6weeks and I hate it, I hate hearing people in the office talking about their family’s, children, like I can’t begrudge them, but I do.

Over the years I’ve lost so many close friends for many different reasons, I don’t have a close relationship with my family. I just feel empty. I honestly don’t know how I can pick myself up from this, everything I did before isn’t an option this time round.

can you get back those close friends?
are you sure this AD is working for you? can you visit your gp again?

@bluebell34567
Thanks for your reply.
I see my GP fortnightly, she thinks these are right for me. Years ago I was others which I had to come off, and I went on to citalopram then and they worked.

I don’t think they are friendships I can get back to be fair. One group of friends was years ago, and whilst they have apologised, the friendship / closeness never return. Another of my close friends I’ve tried, but I just get no reply. And the others have hurt me too much.

I have one close friend, who is being a saint. But her and the others I have around them, all have their own DC and family’s to put first. I find in your 30s it’s hard to find them new social circles. I’ve looked at joining local tennis clubs, swimming. But at the minute I can’t seem to find the get up and go to do it, and my anxiety takes hold.

I’ve thrown myself back into work, cleaning, working at home, organising etc. But I feel like I’m just papering over my feelings and emotions again, and one day that small thread holding me together is going to snap. It’s a horrible dark place, and when I do try and take some time to chill out, i just break down. It doesn’t help that I’m also now anaemic and have low vitamin levels, so any exercise / activity is just draining me and my health.

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run either.

It doesn’t help that I’m also now anaemic and have low vitamin levels, so any exercise / activity is just draining me and my health.

^ This is one small thing you can do. Taking vitamins every day. Have a week of early nights. Do one nurturing thing for you this weekend.