Is this a sign I’m actually really quite unwell ?

[rositathechair]

I’ve had MH problems since I was a child so years of experience .. have diagnosis of anxiety, depression , OCD and they thought probably autism to some extent . I’m not sure if this is significant worsening or just me .

Had to move home to my mums in February after having moved away to work/study . Now stuck in childhood bedroom that is bright pink filled with cuddly toys and having to follow my mum everywhere . Feel like I am five fucking years old . It doesn’t feel like my home . I haven’t lived at home since I was 17 .

Family think I have come home to be my mums carer again . Other family said I am self centred only ever consider my needs , weak willed , no understanding of money kr anything and drug addict (I’m on v v long term codeine for endometriosis and pelvic pain) .

Lying in bed last night had horrible thought if the world was a jigsaw I would be a spare piece that’s not needed and no one would really notice if I took off .

Then had stranger thought that - in the long run - what is the point in doing anything ? At all ? I was lying trying to work out why I should be trying to look after myself and couldn’t come up with any reasons why at all . I’m not sure why I still get up out of bed . This then spiralled a bit where I thought what is the point in anything at all - are we just trying to make things nicer while we wait to die . Why do we try . Once I thought that I got in panic and took ages to calm down .

I think I am probably significantly more poorly than I’m appreciating , I’ve stopped taking any SSRIs as I felt they were making me paranoid - I started having bizarre ‘feelings’ about certain people/places that they were bad or danger to me . For no reason .

I saw a GP four weeks ago who said chance of getting any NHS help extremely low , that I should try going for a walk . Told a relative I’m concerned I might be suicidal and she laughed and said no one’s interested , phone Samaritans but won’t get me anyhwere .

I almost feel like that’s what I have to do , take an overdose or hurt myself , just to sort of stand up and ask for help . But I know that’s not the answer at all .

GP doesn’t know about much of this other than the anxiety . I don’t want them to take me into a hospital or something . Family would be angry with me if they did .

I am hurting and scared and angry and lonely . Don’t know who I am supposed to talk to . I do have one friend who is trying but I feel a burden to her . I think she does care though . She stopped me from ODing years ago.

I don’t know what to do this morning short of go back to sleep . I only got 3 hours overnight .

Hand hold here.

Back to the GP, get on waiting lists for talking therapies. You might wait a year. Chase them up every three months.
Explore other sources of therapy, MIND say or local authority sponsored, search One to One

If you aren’t working and don’t have other obligations, sleep whenever you want don’t feel guilty. It’s therapy.
When you can do something, do it. When you can’t, don’t.
My mental health deteriorated to the point where I lost my job. I spent the best part of a year curled up in bed because there was nothing else I could do.
I took advantage of every talking therapy I could get. I did go for walks etc - when I could.
It took five years. I am no longer depressed. I had to learn to let go, accept myself as I am, not push just take things as they come. I don’t have suicidal thoughts any longer. I have strategies, I recognise depressive thinking and challenge it. You can get through this and enjoy life. Slowly slowly.

Your family sound absolutely useless and uncaring op I'm sorry! I think you definitely need to go back to the gp and tell them the full extent of how you are feeling. I hope you can feel better soon.

I think it’s just ignorance maybe on family’s part .

My mum has severe and enduring MH issues and I’ve been her carer most of my life . Ditto for sister , I’ve been her carer too . Family decided to tell me this year I’ve done a crap job in a matter of words . I make everyone’s lives worse and just cause problems . Mum is happier when I’m not around seemingly . No one wants to know about my mental health problems because it’s too much stress .

I’m expected to do anything my mum wants or needs at the drop of a hat with a smile whilst doing so but my needs are bottom of the pile .

A lot of the time it’s like ‘I/we want your help . No, that help is wrong . No, stop interfering and leave me alone .. No , I need your help ... ‘ then 24h later , ‘NObody ever helps me, you’re selfish and lazy’ .

I think the hardest thing is I’ve been told I’m just not trying hard enough to feel better . I don’t put enough effort in apparently .

It sounds so so wrong but part me of just wants to shout , hang on , I can’t cope , it’s my turn and I need someone to please just listen to me for a while and not tell me to smile or try mindfulness , just listen and agree that it’s crap .

I’ve got a GP appointment tomorrow morning so will speak to her then . I don’t know her very well - she’s my mums GP - but maybe she will understand if I try to explain a bit . I am scared she will be angry that I haven’t taken the medication she prescribed though (sertraline) .

Hi *rositathechair, I hope your appointment with your GP went ok. Just wondering if you have read, maybe outloud, what you have written about what is going on for you? Because it seems to me you have written exactly what the issues are and also somewhere in there is possibly what you are screaming at yourself to do..?
It is ok to shout, to say you can't cope, it's your turn, listen to me, to not smile, to say I don't want mindfulness right now. This is your one, precious life. Not anyone else's. Nothing about what you wrote sounds wrong. I just wonder if you are writing it to yourself rather than to any of us. Take care.

The GP was lovely thanks , she has referred me on for resilience coaching . A v v good friend is also taking me out for coffee in a fortnight or so which should help a lot , I’m hoping ... space to talk and not have to hold back so much . Something I desperately need right now - that and a big hug . She has already emailed to say it matters not what she thinks ... I told her I’m scared to see her because I’m so fat .. she said that is daft .

A friend has also texted asking if I want to come to pride with her next month ... I ‘came out’ in July last year and have never really been public about it at all , I can’t wait now ! A day to celebrate me being me . It involves a mile and a half walk and I’m 22 stone of emotional binge eating - so I think I’m going to have to get my trainers on and start doing walks in the mornings to get my fitness levels up a bitty .

What you said makes a lot of sense though . It’s like I just needed someone to validate how I’m feeling if that makes sense - remind me that it’s nkt wrong to feel a bit pissed off at times .

Mum not been well tonight so sitting with her just now , then try and get some zzz . Funny enough if all my focus goes on her I stop panicking . The guilt kicks in later .