I lie to my doctor about suicidal thoughts

[Khob]

I have them most days. I've been treated for depression for years now but the meds aren't working well. I've looked at bpd symptoms and I tick just about every box.

The problem is I'm afraid to tell the doctor that some days I literally go to where I've planned to commit suicide in order to do it. Then the day after I'm back to feeling just empty.. My symptoms are getting worse, I do reckless things one day, regret them the next but I'm afraid to tell the doctor the full extent as I fear for my children being investigated as I'm their sole carer. I've no idea who I am and have gone through relationships, had affairs, had random jobs.. I know I need the right help though so what do I do?

I am sorry to hear this, OP

You really need to see your GP as soon as possible to get the help you need. You may be right about bpd symptoms - tell your doctor that you feel you tick nearly every box for that. They can get you on the road to help.

Please don't just keep going on as you are. A diagnosis does NOT mean you are not a great mother - on the contrary, trying to keep yourself well is a courageous thing to do for yourself and your children.

I would start by seeing your GP or mental health crisis team as soon as possible, OP.

Please see NHS site below:-

www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

Know that you are not alone. There is support here and people who care.

You need to be honest with your doctor, in order that they can better help you, OP XXX

OP I know how you are feeling. Suicidal thoughts are horrible and so intrusive. But your doctor will really want to know how desperate you are feeling. Or if you feel like you cannot trust them, is there anyone else you can tell?

Can you write it down? I have been there and found it easier to hand over a letter than to bring myself to say it all out loud.

I am the sole carer to my son, I wasn't judged or investigated, the fact that you seek help is a good thing.

Please try to tell someone how you feel, its far too much to cope with by bottling it up on your own

Please talk to your GP. The advice to write it down if you find that easier is good advice. You absolutely must tell someone about this, so they can get you help to feel better. I know you think you are protecting your DC by struggling through but they need you better

OP I've been there. I used to dream of killing myself every day. I used to tell myself I was just waiting until my children were old enough to cope with my death. And I used to hope I would be diagnosed with a terminal illness so that I could die and be 'blameless'.

I was diagnosed with EUPD/BPD/EID in November 2017 after being treated for depression for over 20 years. I've since done the STEPPS course and accessed CAT privately. Plus my meds have been tweaked. I can honestly say I don't feel suicidal now. I had got so used to feeling the way I had that I'd accepted it as the norm. It's only now that I realise how ill I actually was.

I too am a lone parent. Yes, social services visited me but they expressed no concerns and taking my children off me was never a concern.

Please be honest with your GP, engage with SS. There honestly is help out there and you can feel better. I don't for an instant think I'm magically cured and will never be down again, but for the first time in my adult life I do feel positive about the future.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to know more and don't want to post on here.