I’m rubbish at life. I feel a bloody failure at the simplest of things. What seems to others to be easy, I muddle on through and pretend I can do it, but feel I am the person with the biggest imposter syndrome ever. I have quite a lot of self esteem and confidence issues that have always been lurking in the background, but the past few years have magnified them somewhat.
I have 2 beautiful DC but feel very knackered most of the time, and I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since DS was born 10 months ago. He was combination fed from birth, and I breastfed him until he was 7 months. I’m co-sleeping with him and being woken twice to 3 times a night, and I give him milk to get him back to sleep. He is a brilliant eater and he is never really hungry during the day. I’m doing most of the night shifts as my DH is away 3 days a week, works full time and I haven’t worked since August 2017.
I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome in 2015, and then got an incurable and untreatable drug induced involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. I’m constantly worried about finding a job, and getting pregnant with my DS was a relief (and made me so happy as I had wanted anpther child for nearly 7 years since DD was born).
I’m always thinking ‘why me?’ Why did my life end up like this? I have had a really difficult few years health wise, have lost my DB to cancer at aged 35, lost my job, had an ectopic pregnancy, and am always feeling pretty depressed and worthless. If it wasn’t for my family, I would be looking for a high building with open windows.
I’m sure it is just a lack of sleep that is making me feel like this. I know these things will pass but it is so hard sometimes. 