I've been trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me for years. I'm late 20s, and have been diagnosed with depression stress and anxiety on and off since early teens. My mum has complex mental health issues and I was abused in childhood. I've never felt like any of those things explain my issues though. There's the procrastination of everything, including picking up free money and having sex, the inability to just get going, along with the constant need to be doing something new and exciting and different. I emigrated when I was 18, have had 4 jobs in 4 years, am always late and just can't be who I want to be. I get overwhelmed, I lie, I flee when I lose control. I buy games I'll never play and gamble on the weekends. I do mediocre at everything despite having an IQ of 140. I can barely concentrate on conversations and speak out of turn. I fidget, and fidget, and fidget.
A few months ago I found out that ADHD exists in adults after just dumping how I was feeling into a Google search. I then remembered ADHD was suggested as a child, but not pursued due to my mum's reluctance. My mum then randomly told me she has ADHD. I was fuming. I tried to get referred for a diagnosis on the NHS, but the waiting list is about two years. In the mean time I've had to be of work, I've thought about suicide and I've hit my head on brick wall after brick wall. I paid for a private assessment which I had today, and the psychiatrist told me it was difficult to diagnose me due to my "traumatic" childhood. He said that my mum had not filled in the collateral form in a way that gave high enough scores, and that I'd need to find school reports or get colleagues to corroborate.
I'm just so tired. I want to give up. My mum barely knows me. She just wants to see the gifted child she assumed she had and took little interest in my struggles at school. Though we maintain a relationship, it's never quite been a normal one, and I can tell that she doesn't really know me. If I have school reports, they're in a foreign language. My colleagues would probably say that I talk too much, come out of my seat and charm my way out of issues, but they won't have seen the behind the scenes struggle. I always leave before that becomes too obvious.
I am just at the end of what I can manage. I thought I might finally have found something that could explain how I felt all this time, but now I just feel deflated. Though the psychiatrist didn't say that I don't have ADHD, at this point I'm doubting everything. I think I'm lazy, defective and good for nothing. I used to have dreams, but lately I only have the cold shower of reality gushing over my head. I'm drowning. I just want it to be over.
I'm not even sure why I posted. I'm just so exhausted, I wanted to put it all out there once.
Thanks anyone who has read this. I appreciate it.