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Original poster

Help I really miss my family, thinking of leaving my DP to go home

28 replies

Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 18:53

My family live miles away I love my DP but he's at work all day and I miss my mum and sisters, today was really hard my DS 15 weeks is very demanding and feel like I can't cope alone....don't know what to do, am I getting really low, today I just parked up the car to cry

OP posts:
stressteddy · 12/07/2007 18:55

Oh chocolatepenny, it is really hard with a new baby isn't it? Is it your first? Have you told your dp about your feelings? Maybe you could go and see your family for a few days or they could come to you?
Keep talking - it really helps
x

Pitchounette · 12/07/2007 18:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 18:57

Yes he's my first. Me and my DH have talked about it loads but his work is based in LOndon and I fear we are stuck

OP posts:
LucyJones · 12/07/2007 18:57

Can your Mum come over and stay for a while?
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

stressteddy · 12/07/2007 18:58

Is the short term visit not an option? Just to get you some support?

Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 18:58

I am ok some days, not today just woke up feeling like I should go home now, we have been together 5 years but I have started to hate him sometimes, I have had really horrible thoughts about stuff too

OP posts:
callmeovercautious · 12/07/2007 18:59

Why not go back for a visit? Some tlc from Mum for a week or so will give you a boost.

If not or when you get back - Are there any groups you can go to locally? Did you have any postnatal type group? Your lo is v young for you to be alone with no support. I know it is hard but try and get to a group, it may cost a £ or so for a coffee but you will at least meet some other Mums and get some RL support from there.

We are here too

Hassled · 12/07/2007 18:59

It does feel relentless and very very lonely at first but it WILL get better, I promise - is there a post-natal group you could join? Ask your HV if there is anything in your area - it's daunting walking into these places but they're full of parents feeling exactly like you. You do need to tell your DP how you're feeling - I know from experience how sometimes it just seems easier to pretend you're coping, but that never really helps.

Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 18:59

My parents can't visit as my dad is a alcholic unfortunately my mums looks after him

OP posts:
NAB3 · 12/07/2007 18:59

Could it be the situation you hate, rather than him? He has given you a lovely baby and I am sure he must be unhappy too, if he knows you are.

Devonshire · 12/07/2007 19:00

it is very, very hard, esp in the early days with no family near.

do you know any other people with babies locally? my playgroup was a lifeline for me, but i know it is difficult to make the first step and go.

stressteddy · 12/07/2007 19:01

These horrid thoughts cam often go along with a new baby. It's the combination of tiredness and responsibility. Do you have any local support or are you feeling very isolated. Do you think your feelings towards your dp are a separate issue or tied into your feeling low?

FrayedKnot · 12/07/2007 19:01

CP

YOu sound really miserable.

Life is hard with a small baby and having no contact with friends & family during the day is really hard.

We moved 150 miles from my family when DS was 18 months (2 yrs ago) and I hated it for the first few months.

I still miss my family but I have made friends (mostly through work) and things are getting better all the time.

Also as children get older they get better company iyswim! IME going out for the day with a 3 yr old is good fun whereas small babies although georgeous are also hard work, and you can't really interact with them like you can an older child.

What other opportunities do you have to be in contact with people?

Groups, pre-baby friends, work (are you on Mat Leave?)??

callmeovercautious · 12/07/2007 19:01

You probably feel that way about him because you are down in general - I get the same sometimes. If you analize the feelings on a good day I am sure you will realise you don't mean it.

Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 19:03

we are trying to start a baby group in our area ATM I got on with one mum at our local group but she didn't get back to me when I asked her for a coffee. Its mad I have been travelling to university etc, I had no problem with friends in LOndon now we have moved and its too hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 19:03

I sound like a cry baby really! but thank you all for the support

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 19:06

FrayedKnot I am on maternity but I work for myself atm its was great when I was pregnant but its so lonely now

OP posts:
Devonshire · 12/07/2007 19:06

chocolate penny, i found that my social confidence disappeared when i had my first dc and it is still pretty low. but you are definitely doing the right thing in getting a group going.

just push yourself forward and you will be surprised at how many other women will be sat at home feeling lonely too and delighted to be invited to a coffee morning!

Hassled · 12/07/2007 19:07

You don't sound like a cry-baby at all - my oldest is now 20 but those first weeks with him were so awful that they're still vivid in my mind - I don't think I've ever experienced loneliness like it before or since. Please talk to your DP (or show him this thread) so that this becomes a problem you can deal with together. And there must be a baby group somewhere near by - get on to the HV or ask in the Library.

Original poster
Chocolatepenny · 12/07/2007 19:08

Hassled thanks

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vonsudenfed · 12/07/2007 19:13

You don't sound like a crybaby at all. When dd was 15 weeks old, I was finding it very hard to cope, and could hate dh just for being able to read a book when all I was doing was feeding. I found it hard to get out of the house, meet anyone I liked, or do anything much.

As everyone else says, it is hard, it will get better.

But - and please don't be offended by this - it does sound as if you are just a bit depressed, and see going back home as a way of 'making it all alright', when you'd probably miss dp horribly and still be stressed. Do you have an understanding doctor or even HV you could talk to about this? The stress and the hormones play havoc with your system and your moods, and I think probably most women have some form of depression at some point, and quite often it hits at the four month mark, when the elation wears off a bit.

I had horrible PND at just this point, and was crying all the time, as well as shouting at DH and found several other mothers on here in the same state - all at about the four month mark too! But just talking about it, and admitting that everything wasn't perfect, made a real difference to me.

Sorry this is a bit long, but hang in there.

oneplusone · 12/07/2007 19:17

I also remember my first few weeks or months with DD were pretty much the most awful time of my life. I too had no support and had no confidence to go out alone with DD. To be honest I don't know how I managed to get through it, but in hindsight I do think I had PND and if I or somebody else had spotted it I think it would've been better.

Perhaps go to your GP and tell him/her how you feel and see if there's any help available.

Can you afford a part time nanny or mother's help? Now that I have 2 kids i really couldn't manage without some sort of help and have a part time nanny who is a lifesaver in my opinion. It does cost a bit but it's worth it and is only temporary. She comes for 5 hours a week and takes teh kids off my hands and however bad I'm feeling I just keep in mind the day she comes over and just try and make it through til then.

Good luck, just take one day at a time and like everyone else has said it WILL get better.

Take care.

Pitchounette · 12/07/2007 20:11

Message withdrawn

Olihan · 12/07/2007 20:24

CP, I agree with everyone else who says how hard this phase is. I vividly remember absolutely hating dh and planning to go back to my mum's (who also lived 150 miles away). I think it's fair to say that the 3-6 month time is harder than the newborn phase because the sleep deprivation is well and truly hammering you, your hormone levels are still a bit loopy, and tbh, babies of that age are very demanding but you don't really get much in return. I've really struggled through 3-6 months with all 3 of mine. Ds2 is now 6 and a bit months and I'm just starting to enjoy him a bit more. I think people expect you to be finding it easier but in reality it's not at all.

You're doing the right thing in trying to set up a group - can you ask your hv to give mums with similar age babies your number or a date and place for a meet up and see what happens? I seriously doubt you are the only person in your area who feels the way you do!

Hang in there, tell your dp how you are feeling and things will get better, honestly.

TransfiguratingLily · 12/07/2007 20:38

Chocolatepenny come over to the postnatal thread for support. You aren't the only one struggling at this stage. I think it's common to have dh problems too.
I totally know how you feel and actually choose to live near my family and have a long distance relationship, though I don't recommend that!
If you could go home to family for a while it might help and this will all pass.