How to help someone with depression

[elephanto]

I have 2 close family members suffering with depression.

One has anxiety and has attempted suicide numerous times.

The other has lost their job, friends, put on a lot of weight and now won't get out of bed.

I'm terrified I'm going to lose one or even both of them and I just don't know how to help. Neither want to help themselves which is really tough and any suggestions made by family just get thrown back at us.

I'm guessing people experience depression differently so I can only speak for myself, but what I needed was for people to listen and not to judge. Even if all I could do was cry and howl without words. People who made suggestions, or who berated me for not helping myself, were the absolute worst. When you're in so much pain you can barely hold your head up on your neck, when you can't see any way out except one, the last thing you need is to have people lecturing you about how easily they'd fix things if they were in your position. My mother damaged our relationship for good because she wouldn't shut the fuck up about what a strong person she was and how she'd do XYZ in my position and how I had nothing to be depressed about. Whereas a lovely Scottish lady whom I spoke to just once when I called the Samaritans will have a place in my heart for the rest of my life, because she just listened and said I sounded like a nice wee girl and she was sorry I was in pain.

Ps I didn't mean the above to sound harsh, OP. It's very obvious from your post how much you care and that you want to help. Make sure you take care of yourself too, because it's very easy to get drained

Thank you @Dohangoversgetworseasyougetold

I think my mum is trying to do exactly the same as your mum and it's just pushing my sister further away! I'm happy to listen to her or just sit with her but she won't talk at all!

That sounds so hard. It sounds to me as though you're instinctively doing everything right though - just keep the lines of communication open so she knows she can talk if she needs to. She might not have words at the moment.

Do you have your own support network? It's important that you have support too.

I wish I knew.
Listening hasn't worked for me and my adult ds, maybe we are too close for it to work.
About the only thing I have reall learnt is how important it is to look after yourself.

If you’re depressed then you need to eat properly and get out of the house, preferably for some fresh air or some sort of distracting activity. It’s difficult to motivate yourself and the most helpful thing is for someone to encourage you and accompany you. Cook and invite the depressed person round, or take them some healthy food. Take them out for walks. Join a hobby together. Don’t judge or criticise, or tell them to snap out of it, You don’t need to discuss their depression at all unless they want to, and even then your role is just to listen and validate their feelings.

Today has been a day of promises - she's going to get a personal trainer, go and speak to someone professional about how she is feeling - I just know in a few days she'll have crashed again and will stop responding to messages and won't answer phone calls.

The stress and upset is making my mum so unwell which is what is making me doubly worried

Anti depressants have saved me - and made it possible for me to exercise and eat properly. I shudder to think of what would’ve happened had I not listened to my doctor. I start counselling today, but two months ago I wouldn’t have been able to face it.