Borderline Personality Disorder

[MyFavouriteDress1]

My boyfriend of a year has BPD. I’m really struggling with our relationship. Some of the time he seems desperately in love with me but then he seems to zone out and he ignores me or just has minimal contact with me. I can’t cope with this hot and cold behaviour. It causes arguments which he never forgets and these drive us even further apart. I feel emotionally abused by his pull-push hot and cold attitude. He is like 2 different people. The well him is fabulous but the cold him is hell. Can any other people with experience of BPD comment please?

Try reading the book Stop Walking on Egg shells x

Is he in treatment or therapy? I think you need to set strict boundaries of what you will and won’t accept if you’re in this relationship for the long haul, or walk away as soon as.

BPD is crap

DH has BPD. Weve had some amazing times and we've had some horrific times. When he isn't at work or dealing with life (like on holidays) he's funny, thoughtful and great to chat to but with the slightest bit of life stress he becomes selfish, reckless and at times quite cruel. He struggles to cope with life so when truly awful things happen we've really struggled. I had a difficult end to a pregnancy, our baby nearly died and I have PND. This has nearly ruined our marriage because I've realised that I will simply never be the priority. He can pay lip service and say he loves me and DD, we're his whole world, but he hasn't been able to support himself let alone me.

This isn't to scare you, just to get you to understand that with the good comes the bad. With the fun, adoring partner in crime, comes the selfish moody teenager. You need to be prepared to be the adult always if you want to continue this relationship. I could never be a SAHM for example as I always need to be earning and manage our money.

I've found frank chats, setting clear expectations, therapy for myself (I can't force him to go but I can work on me) and spending time with positive people helps. BPD sufferers are chameleons with no set sense of self so if DH hangs around with a load of immature twats or his parents and their horribly outdated views, he gets worse. Spend some time with nice friends that we both like and he makes more of an effort. He spends most of his time in a child state and needs a lot of encouragement to adult. He will look to others for nurturing and reassurance (hence why its all gone to shit now I've got PND). Medication has also helped but he wont take it consistently.

Make sure you have friends you can rant to or check in with. That's really helped me to. It isn't easy but I also know it isn't DHs fault and that there is a huge amount of stigma with PDs .

Prinstress No, he has no treatment. I only know he has BPD because a family member who is a psychiatrist and has experienced his moods etc has given me an unofficial diagnosis. He would never seek treatment although he admits he has a serious problem with his mental health.
blackcat I'm sorry to hear of your issues. I can completely relate to what you say although my BF can hold down a job although he struggles with the demands placed upon him. The fallout comes when he gets home. He goes to bed early and complains of being unwell when he is stressed. His son who lives with us is getting really stressed and worried about his illnesses.
He is great at putting on a happy face on social media and when socialising with friends but there is a very dark side to him. He seems emotionally very immature and dissociates lots. He also has lots of paranoid thoughts about me and thinks I'm either plotting to hurt him or I have done things in my past to make me bad. It is really weird. Other times he thinks I am fabulous and the best woman on earth. I think I need to set clear boundaries but at the minute he isn't in the frame of mind to listen. He might be OK tomorrow or next week - in fact, his behavioural pattern suggests that he will be fine soon. He also has rapidly changing moods (i.e. by the hour) and I never know how I will find him. In fact, he can change from happy to super-stressed with no apparent trigger. I'm making him sound awful and I've tried to end our relationship but the wonderful side of him draws me back. I won't change him but I don't want to contribute to making him flip into a dark place. I get angry about his extreme behaviour and then he tells me I've been horrible to him and makes me feel guilty so I end up apologising. My friends tell me to leave him and if I was observing this from afar I'd advise the same!

There are a lot of similarities there and the rapid mood changes are classic BPD. Just remember he can come out them as quickly as he goes in if it suits him. A lot of his behaviour will be maladaptive ways of trying to get what he wants. You do need to challenge any negative behaviours and try to say clearly what you want. DH always post on fb about him and DD so people tell me what an adoring dad he must be. Well yes he does love her but be cant really be bothered with the practical stuff and sleeps in the spare room because I get so annoyed with him huffing around if she wakes at night. I've also told him that he must do one practical thing a day regardless of his work hours. DH can hold down a job but always find a scapegoat that he feels is reason the place is crap and gets pointlessly overdressed and annoyed. Even part time I'm still the breadwinner.

Try and step back and observe his behaviour. That's when I saw how needy DH is for nurturing and reassurance so now if he's being a dick I'll front it out and ask him what he actually wants because he wont get it by being a twat.

blackcat Good tip about observing his behaviour. I've come to the conclusion that he acts like a twat to get a reaction out of me. However, he never appreciates my reaction! When he's behaved like a twat I'd have a go at him. Then he'd cry about it and I'd end up begging for forgiveness for being so mean.

However, for the last few weeks I've been deliberately not reacting. His behaviour is getting more trying as I'm sure he wants a reaction. I'm not falling for it this time. I don't want to engage in his madness as I know it will make it worse. He's a drowning man and he's been taking me down with him. This time, I'm going to remain calm for however long it takes to either get him back on track or for me to decide to leave him.

Kel801 Thanks - I've heard it is good.

I have BPD. I know there are variations in the severity of the disorder , but I stand by what I say.It is a serious condition that even the best of therapists will struggle with and that's with years of training.

The disorder is not incurable, but your love alone can't help him, he needs to be in a treatment program and possibly medication. There's a huge difference between having a illness and doing something about it and ignoring it completely.

orangecake I appreciate your honesty. You are right. Unfortunately, he is too proud to seek help. The ironic thing is that his behaviour towards me resulted in my mental health deteriorating so much that I had to get a lot of therapy and medication. He can see me dealing with my issues but he does nothing about his. We can be amazing together and that’s what keeps us going.

I can understand not wanting to get help. Even as a child I always knew there was something up with me. I have a trauma background, with a lot of domestic violence, sexual and physical abuse. But I only booked my first appointment with my current therapist at the age of 25, three months after I tried to kill myself. I've been with him for 2 years now.

How bad does it have to get before he sees someone?

I used to believe all you needed was love, but I don't think it alone is enough.These lines in particular stood out for me "I feel emotionally abused. and cold him is hell"

Those alone would be red flags for me in a relationship, regardless if he was mentally ill or not. I think he needs to realize that he risks losing you if he is not willing to get help full stop because it's not all about him.Your mental health is important is important too.

Thanks, Orangecake. I'm slowly coming to the realisation that if he does not seek help I will have to leave. There are many wonderful things about him but he is unstable. That said, he does have free will and I won't blame everything on his illness. In any case, it doesn't matter what his excuse is, I do not have to put up with behaviour that upsets me.

Well done for standing up for yourself. I hope you're doing okay.

I broke up with my last partner as she had BPD. It was an extremely difficult relationship which is sad as she is actually a lovely woman but I just couldn't deal with her behaviour any longer.

We are still friends but I struggle as her behaviour is still the same but she has no one else.

Tell him if he wants to continue the relationship he needs to get a diagnosis and treatment.

My ex was on medication which improved things by around 60% but she needs therapy because of childhood trauma and also CBT.

This may sound harsh but there's no way on earth I would have a relationship with someone who had BPD and isn't getting professional support.

BTW the new term is EUPD. Emotionally Unstable personality disorder.

My ex was also diagnosed with bipolar.