I don't know what I'm asking or what I need but it's late and I'm overwhelmed by everything. I need to get it all out and there is no one that I can talk to in real life so I'm turning to the wisdom of mumsnet.
I'm someone who has always struggled to just be. I overthink and stress myself out to the point I'm ill. I have diagnosed ASD, learning difficulties, life limiting health issues, depression, anxiety and OCD. In my life I have seen several counsellors, four art therapists, two psychologists and a cognitive behaviour therapist. Talking therapies don't work for me at all. I don't like people messing with my head.
My upbringing was difficult and littered with trauma. I had several dangerous operations before I was ten that have caused muscle and nerve damage that is still affecting me now. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child by my sisters BIL something no one in my family know about. There is no way to prove anything and it would kill them to know.
My beloved father died before I was a teenager. When he died my mother who had always been emotionally abusive and borderline neglectful became more volatile and withdrew from me. She made it clear that I wasn't her priority and was either left to myself and ignored or expected to pick up massive amounts of responsibility for my nieces and nephews, while also providing her with emotional and practical support. She controlled me with FOG and it has taken us years to get to what could be considered a healthy relationship.
I never connected with my sisters and even now unless I'm doing something for them or their kids they don't talk to me. I used to try to connect with them but now I don't see the point. They don't care to know me beyond my use because we're so different. Now I only bother because I love my nieces and nephews and thankfully I have an amazing relationship with them that my sisters are happy to facilitate and allow. They love me but they don't know how to interact with me, I know it will reach a point when the kids are older and I don't talk to my siblings beyond special occasions and family parties.
To my family I am the odd one out, I'm different and anti-social. I'm difficult to communicate with and withdrawn and problematic, sad and anxious and angry. To them I hate being around people I don't like parties and a boring wallflower. Incapable of doing anything other than when they need something.
To my friends however, I'm happy and proud, the life and soul of the party. A people person good at putting people at ease and making them at home. Someone who'd give you the coat off my back, last penny in my wallet. Interesting and intelligent, a force of nature who won't be stopped and able to do anything through willpower alone. Sometimes unintentionally cold but would never intentionally hurt anyone, a confusing mix of hating the nature of the world and the actions of people but loving anyone and everyone I come into contact with. A product of my upbringing but stronger for it.
I can't reconcile the two personas, am I the broken little girl my family think I am or am I the able and determined woman that my friends see me as. Right now I don't know, but I DO know that I need to figure it out. I need to figure out who I am and what I want from life. What job, life, family do I want. More importantly HOW am I going to do and be that person. How am I going to enforce personal boundaries and either accept the way my family view me or challenge that and demand their respect. They love me, now they need to respect me. We will never have a typical relationship due to our age gap and different childhoods and parenting but we can have a better more mutually understanding one.