As I write this I am fighting to hold back tears as I do not want to cry in front of my 4 year old .. I have thought before about opening up somewhere about how I am feeling on one of these advice type sites but have been fearful about the replies but I cant hold it in anymore.
I am 28 years old currently 14 weeks pregnant with baby no2 since informing my doctors about my pregnancy I have been advised to stop taking my anxiety medication & I am struggling big time I non stop worry about everything it is to the point it is destroying my life I have a good job that I have not been to in 3 months now because I am too nervous to be around people and due to a few near misses in my car after driving for 10 years I am now an incredibly nervous driver & avoid driving at all costs. As my job involves visiting different countries on a weekly basis I am planning on not going back after maternity leave even before finding out I was pregnant I was under review because of all the time I had taken off because of my mental health but at this rate I am going to loose my maternity pay.
I constantly fear the worst at the moment I am awaiting a referral to a dermatology clinic because of two new moles that have appeared and one I have had for years has recently started to itch with a family history of melanoma I am constantly stuck now worrying & anticipating the appointment to the point its all I can think about.. I am looking forward to my new baby but due to having serve PND for the first 2 years of my daughter being alive I am fearful and extremely worried as to how I am going to cope as most of the time i feel like a useless mother due to having to share my daughter 50% 50% with her Dad and with school coming up I know its going to be difficult sharing the childcare as her dad lives over 45 minutes away and that is where her school is due to not being able to have my daughter full time with me because we live in bedsit council flat its not suitable for her to stay full time yet. We have been told once I am 28 weeks we should be able to get a bigger council place but even that I worry about as its not set in stone and where I live council housing is in high demand.
I have also recently decided to distance myself from my mother because of constant arguing and not having a good relationship with her for over 5 years & being too much water under the bridge between us last year when I left my daughters father I left my nice home to live with her only to get kicked out 2 months later with no help from the council I ended up pvt renting and getting into 6k debt and had to re home my beloved chihuahua all at the same time going through a serious health scare that put a huge strain on our relationship and due to the very personal and unkind comments she uses when we argue & the effect it has on my mental health after I just decided I cant do it anymore when we last argued she criticized me saying I should not be having another baby because I do not look after the one I have already got and that my boyfriend and I only want one to get a bigger council house .. she also bought up that I am mentally unwell which makes having a baby a bad idea the sad thing is she is not wrong I know I am not a very good mum to my daughter due to my depression and anxiety I do struggle and I do not have a lot of patience which is what made me want to go to the doctors and ask for help after years of ignoring it.
My relationship with my boyfriend is very strong and we are very happy together we have only been together 7 months but he is very supportive of me. Lately I have been more honest about my mental health struggles and triggers and it has helped him understand how my mind works more .. I just feel my mental health has taken a really bad turn its never ruled my life like it has lately I have been back to the doctors and made them aware of it but they still wont give me any medication and have refereed me to CBT therapy I do think it will help but I cant see it making things better all of this is making me feel incredibly out of control and inadequate also lately due to both my partner and I having severe social anxiety and both of us not working and needing income we have been thinking about making internet porn to make ends meet I used to be a webcam model and even though I enjoyed my job a lot and lived a good life doing it I do worry I am taking a step back and already being a bad parent before the baby is even out yet ..HELP :(