Depression and my marriage

[BreatheEasily]

Hi everyone,
I could really do with a perspective of the situation, and any ideas on what I can do..
It's going to be long, so sorry in advance.

Myself and my DH met when we were 17. We were both children at the time, still immature and had a lot of growing up to do.
I moved in with DH and his family after only a year, as my home life was toxic (more on that later).

We eventually moved out alone at 21, got married and had our first child aged 23. A year after I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I received CBT and felt good tonnes better and had no 'relapses', everything kind of returned to normal.
At 26 we welcomed our second child, and again a year later I was back having CBT for depression and anxiety. It's been just over a year and I'm still in the same head space. My CBT ended on a high, but I spiralled again quickly and haven't been able to get better again (I am yet to seek CBT again).

Now the main problem is mine and DH relationship. I've never had much of a sex drive, in fact I haven't really been that interested ever (DH 2nd person I've slept with). DH accepted that I wasn't really into it, and we've always had a limited sex life. We haven't had sex since conceiving our second child, as to be honest I have felt really down and detached from life itself. It's not just sex though, it's all kinds of intimate gestures.

In CBT the root causes that triggered my depression was childhood issues (abuse, DV, neglect, belittling, no affection or love shown).

I struggle massively with affection, and I admit that me and DH don't really kiss or cuddle unless he initiates it, and then I pull away quickly after. This of course upsets DH, and I completed understand why. I hate that I'm this way, and I wish I could just enjoy being with my DH. It isn't him, it's me and my issues causing me to feel this way. I also have big issues with self image, not just appearance but mainly how I'm perceived based on my actions/what I say or do.

I feel like I don't 'deserve' love and I have a hard time accepting it. I don't enjoy being touched because it's foreign to me and it's something I really struggle with.
The only exception is my children, they are smothered in love and affection because I do not want them to feel the same I do that led me to my depression.

My DH now doesn't want to spend time with me as he doesn't want to 'love' me, he is slowly detaching from me, which is also detaching me from him too. I don't know what to do for the best whilst I'm waiting for CBT again, and practising self love/self esteem etc.

We are both so miserable. I've told him that I want to let him go. I want him to find someone who can give him the love and attention he deserves but he doesn't want to 'give up because he loves me'.

We've tried having honest conversations and it using ends with me crying (very emotional at the moment), and DH getting upset and withdrawn because he has upset me. We are now sitting in separate rooms at the moment for this reason, to give each other some space.

Any ideas on our next steps? Or any tips from me based on my circumstantial depression?

Please be gentle with me.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, it must be so hard on you both. Have you had any help together? Would talking to someone with him help? I’m not sure what would be available to you, I’m sure someone more knowledgable will be along soon.

Have you ever had or done mindful meditation?

Mindful of the mind and what the mind is saying to you?

Once you understand that the mind is just another organ and can be ignored you might start feeling better about your self.

Maybe you need to look into something other than CBT. It can be useful in alleviating negative feelings from a short term situation, but it isn't very effective when there are more deep rooted long term issues. Having depression over a long period of time can dull everything and make you feel very numb. Have a look into some other forms of therapy, as finding something that suits you is key

Thank you so much for your replies everyone.

DH came with me to one CBT session and was explained to about depression and what can be done to help our communication. It helped at first but I know he just gets angry and can't think rationally, so it just breaks down. I don't know where to feel the void in that gap.

I do mindfulness meditation a less a few times a week, I do try to do it often, but with two small children it's difficult. It does help me personally, as I tend to be in a better mind frame, but DH tells me it's like I'm numb after with no emotions? I just become more relaxed about things and less uptight about the 'small' stuff I usually sweat over.

I do agree about other forms of therapy. CBT helped but I always seem to get in a trap of returning to old childhood thoughts and feelings that I can't shift without professional support. I do need a longer term solution. I have considered anti depressants, but I do feel as though it will make me 'numb' and the increase of a low sex drive surely isn't going to help us either.

Perhaps this life experience has just shown that we aren't as compatible as we once thought we were, which is a very sad thought.

He has said in a text today that 'I can't stand him and don't want to be near him'. We just don't seem to understand each other, because no matter how much I tell him it's not true he still says things like that.

The breakdown of conversation yesterday was actually because I said I wanted to spend more time together and he said he didn't want to spend much time with me. It's all very confusing, so I might suggest we write down/text/email what we want to say so there's no breakdown whilst we resolve it .

Thank you again for your replies.

I do mindfulness meditation a less a few times a week, I do try to do it often, but with two small children it's difficult. It does help me personally, as I tend to be in a better mind frame, but DH tells me it's like I'm numb after with no emotions? I just become more relaxed about things and less uptight about the 'small' stuff I usually sweat over.

So, stop listening to him. It is your emotional health here not his. If you feel good after mindful meditation then keep doing it. Try yo do it when the kids are out of the way. Try itt in the bath if you need to, but keep doing it.

Just an after thought.

Mindful meditation is about not sweating any stuff. Small or large :)