A letter to my family
I need to write this down now because we, as a family, are unable to communicate and that is not going to change. I feel utterly hopeless now with it all.
To my DF
Your behaviour over the years has been at times awful. Most of the time you are a loving, caring and thoughtful DF but other times I cannot understand you. I know your childhood was terrible and I am sorry for that. Perhaps that is the reason for your exacting standards and dark moods (on occasions). You have recently been away for a while. You gave some people your reasons for going which were good, but to other people you said you went because of your irritation or unhappiness with the family. Someone told me this and I was angry about it. I told DM and DB. I wish I had not said anything at all because that will now be used against you. I have just spent a few days with you. It was lovely, you were happy. I was under strict instructions not to mention that DM wants to split up. The pressure I am under is unbearable.
To my DM
You put me in a very unfair position when you asked me to say nothing to DF about your intention to separate. In my opinion it is easy to demonise DF when he is not here. Your behaviour over the years has not always been brilliant either. When someone upsets you, you literally ignore their presence and this goes on for weeks. It is very damaging for the mental health of the victim of this. I understand you think your marriage is over. That is your decision completely and I want you to be happy. However you need to have a CONVERSATION with DF. He thinks you will be ok. It is cruel that he is being misled. I understand DF has not been easy to live with but neither are you sometimes. I was ignored for weeks and months when I was younger. I have spoken to you today. I told you that DF was apprehensive about coming home, I told him you felt the same. You criticised me for even saying that. I cried after the call. I only wanted to tell you that DF is ok and happy.
To my DSis
You have always been an angry character. I am not wholly surprised as you were teased mercilessly as a child. You have form for being very nasty about members of the family when in drink. But I also know you do have a heart under all of that bluster. You have managed to detach yourself from the family in many ways. At first I hated this, however now I wonder if you have it right. You do seem happier in yourself from the little I see of you. I wish it was not like this but at the moment I completely envy your distance. How do you manage not to get involved?
To my DB
You work so hard, I am so proud of you and always will be. You are a good father to your DC. I understand it takes a lot to wind you up but your massive row with DF has not helped anything. I understand why you were so upset with him. You have hurt him and I know he has hurt you too. I wish you could sort it out, I really do. If you want to sort things out please try again.
To my DSIL
You are a great DM and I love the DC with my whole heart. I love being their aunt. But you hurt people too. I see how much pressure you put on my DB and I despair for his mental health. He works so hard and all you do is find fault and demand more. The demands you make exhaust me just listening to them. I know that you will never allow the situation between DF and DB resolve because you don’t want it to. I know DF did wrong, I know that, but none of us are perfect are we? I also know that if my DM and DF do try to sort things out you will be so disapproving that DM is worried it will impact on her relationship with her DGC. I don’t know if DM wants to give their marriage another try but it does not help that she knows you would never accept it. You refer to last year as the worst year of your life, the year you had the holiday of a lifetime and bought a new home. Will you ever be happy?
To all of you
I love you all but I am broken now. My DF criticises my DM, DB, DSIL, my DM criticises my DF and DSis, my DSis criticises my DSIL (not to me directly as we don’t really speak), my DB criticises my DF and DSis, my DSIL criticises DF and DSis. This is constant from all of you.
I have had a brief holiday and came back feeling positive and happy. After one conversation with one of you I feel broken again. I know that I should not shoulder the burden of all of this but you all talk to me. I want everything to be better and I can’t do anything.
I just went to do a food shop and I started crying in the supermarket. I put the shopping away and cried as I did not know why I had bought it when I just don’t want to be here any more. The cruel irony is that outwardly I am happy go lucky, successful and solvent. Inside I am a little girl who just wants a happy life and gets so stressed and upset when there is conflict. There is constant conflict and I hate it, it makes me physically and emotionally ill. I don’t want to distance myself from you all because I love you all but I am genuinely not coping any more.
I have no idea what to do. I feel in crisis tonight. I can’t do this any more and I don’t want to be here