This post is so over due for me. But I'm here now. I really need some advice. Can I start by listing my symptoms?
Depression
Anxiety
Cptsd - not formally diagnosed
Bpd although I suspect is cptsd
Intrusive thoughts
Bingeing
Self harm - not for a while though
Suicide idealisation
Disassociate occasionally
I think that's roughly it. I think I got to this point because of the following:
I was a replacement child in very sad circumstances
Mum left at 10 very little contact not had any contact since 14
Dad raised me but had what I know now to be pretty severe depression and anger issues
Met and married my emotionally and physically abusive exdh who had me convinced that he would kill me and it was 100% my fault.
Got away from husband and my dad had a stroke and developed vascular dementia over night. I returned home to care for him. Let's just say that was very traumatic - kicked out of 3 homes for challenging behaviour. He died in November 2017.
I should say luckily now I have remarried to the most fantastic partner. He supports me financially and emotionally and in every way possible. I haven't worked for a long time, I used to be quite good at what I did. All my life I have loved horses and in 2 weeks all my dreams are coming true because we have bought a yard for our horses. He asks nothing from me just wants me to get better. Financially we are ok, there are no pressures or expectations of me - but I haven't managed to ride my horses for 2 weeks as I'm down and so incredibly angry at absolutely everything. But mainly my husband. I can't tell you why I am angry.
So what I'm asking is I need help. I have some money to spend on some treatment, but not a huge amount. I would like an almost one stop shop. I suspect my hormones need testing as every month my mood swings go through the roof. But do places that will do the right tests and advise and provide the correct treatment exist? I'm awaiting treatment via my local health trust but I need something now. I'm 44 with no children. I should add I've had psychotherapy for in total about 2 years. I'm also on the hightest dose of sertraline. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry for the typos but if I don't press send immeadiately I will lose my nerve.