This is a problem I have had for over twelve years. It makes me feel really sad to write that. Basically I was incredibly unhappy at university. I began comfort eating as a way of trying to stave of the loneliness I felt. I put on a lot of weight and so I started dieting, and became bulimic. When I left university I was back at my normal weight but I thought about food constantly. I hated making myself sick so I starting using laxatives.
By my mid twenties I had started a job I really enjoyed. I was not longer bulimic/using laxatives however food was still a major issue for me. Around this time I developed IBS. I suspect because of the laxative abuse.
Now, this is the bit that is difficult to explain. When I eat/drink food that triggers the IBS (caffeine, chocolate and heavy dairy products being major triggers) I feel very bloated and ‘full’. It’s like the feeling of fullness from comfort eating, though it also comes with other side effects such as very unpleasant stomach pains, constipation etc.
I often eat/drink things that I know are bad for me. Right now I am lying in bed with a very bad stomach ache, as usual.
Another aspect of this, which I also find difficult to explain, is that I hate telling people I can’t have caffeing/am lactose-intolerant. I think of all the horrible competitive girls I unfortunately found myself with at university and I imagine them looking down at me, thinking I’m being pathetic/attention seeking. I know that’s crazy and makes no sense, and my dh gets so frustrated with me not looking after myself, but I can’t shake that thought. I just feel weak and pathetic.
I snack constantly on sugary things. I think about food all the time and panic when I can’t get to some. I am relatively slim, but (and again this is difficult to explain), I think that if I ate more healthily I would probably lose weight and become slim (which I suspect is my natural shape, looking at the rest of my family) but I feel I don’t deserve to be slim and my comfortable body weight. If I was slim people might expect me to be different/more confident/less pathetic.
Sorry for the essay. I am just feeling so sad about all of this. I have a stomach ache all the time, think about food all the time. Help.