Chronic depression dead inside

[Numbinside13]

Hi, the fact that I'm posting shows how desperate I am as I hardly ever post anything about myself, bit of a lurker, probably due to the fact that I am so numb I can't even summon up the energy to type anything. But I'm becoming more and more afraid of what is happening to me. I have suffered depression and fibromyalgia ever since my older sister took her own life...but that was 15 years ago when I was 18. I'm now 33, and beyond stuck. I feel like I'm fading into nothing, I don't know who I am anymore, I feel completely devoid of life, of passion, I'm just existing. I have been on many different antidepressants over the years, I've almost exhausted them all. I'm currently on duloxetine and quetiapine and feel completely dead inside. My psychiatrist says I have treatment resistant depression and had started talking about lithium or ECT. ECT scares the hell out of me so I won't be going there and quite frankly lithium does too, I'm sick of taking pills and feel completely dumbed down by them. I'm a nurse and have just started a new post and feel like a fraud, I am shadowing at the moment and feel in a fog most of the time and faking interest. Usually in my head I'm elsewhere, like thinking about how I want to be in bed, or how my head and back are hurting or that I'd be better off dead. Taking time off is not an option, I'm a single mum to one DS and I already had 6 weeks off in my last post when I had some sort of breakdown. I never even wanted to be a nurse, I don't know how I got here, I survived 3 years of uni but always felt my heart wasn't in it. I'm like a robot. When I come home and don't have my DS as he is with his dad I literally just lie on the sofa , don't even put the TV on. I don't know what is happening to me and don't really know what the point of this post is. I guess to see that I'm not alone.

you are not alone. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. do you have friends and /or family around you? are you having therapy alongside the medication - with the psychiatrist, or someone else? sorry if too many questions, mainly just wanted to say you are not alone, I'm sorry you have been feeling this way for so long, it is so very hard.

Thank you for the reply leonina. My family live in the same town but I hardly ever see them, my mum is very depressed too ( although won't admit it) and because if what happened to my sister she can't deal with my depression so distances herself from me so when I do see her I just put on a face. It hurts that she can't be there for me but I know she must be hurting 10 times more than me. I have friends but I've become very withdrawn and not wanting to catch up with anyone. I'm on a waiting list for psychotherapy, I've had counselling on and off in the past but nothing that resonated with me. I'm back on the sofa with a splitting headache, son has eaten out tonight with his dad so I won't be fixing myself any dinner. Just toast for me. Dishes in the sink to be washed and clothes to be hung out but this complete apathy won't leave me.

hi there, I'm so sorry things are difficult with your family. is there a close friend you might be able to reach out to? I withdraw terribly when I'm depressed but being able to tell one or two friends has helped at times, even if it's just them checking in on me every so often. I know that sounds really basic and not much help when you're feeling so very low, but it's important that people know and you never know what support they might be able to provide. is the waiting list for therapy via the NHS? do you know how long you might have to wait? glad you at least had some toast, and hope your headache has eased off by now. sending warm wishes your way.

hi @Numbinside13
just checking in, have been thinking of you. how have you been today?