Hi, I’m not sure if this is the right catergory or not so apologies and I’m not really sure what my question is. Do you ever feel like your childhood has affected you in a negative way. Fortunately I didn’t have an horrific childhood that you hear about, I was fed, loved, cared for but I seen a lot of things I shouldn’t have.
I never had a dad that’s not all that uncommon I know. But put it this way my mum got around a bit and I can remember a variety of her boyfriends in and out of our lives until she met my stepdad when I was around 10. Some nice, some not so nice. She married my brothers dad. He was violent (but my mother could be to him so in was both ways) and I remember the violence and I remember often waking up and witnessing all sorts of shit and having to walk to my grandparents in the dark with my mum in the middle of the night.
My mum went through a stage of going out 3/4 nights a week. We either stayed with my grandparents or our then teen neighbour babysat. I remember her not coming back until the morning when we were about to leave for school. Our 15 year old neighbor had to get us ready for school and cook us breakfast, make our lunch etc. This was quite common. She would often bring men back too.
I remember one night my neighbor had baby sat, but my mother must of come home she brought a load of her friends back and a group of men that weren’t local. I was asleep but I woke up to two people in my room. I didn’t know what they were doing at the time but as an adult I do now. There was a wet patch on the carpet in the morning. I called for Mum and went downstairs and there were loads of people in the house.
My mum would often stay in bed until the afternoon at the weekends and me and my brother would be left downstairs to fend for ourselves. We were often late for school as she wouldn’t be up in time.
Even when she met my stepdad, it wasn’t easy. They were very on and off for a while. Lots of arguing, they would drink a lot and start screaming at each other. Neither could handle their drink.
I had serious issues with anxiety and ocd as a child. I barely slept, slept walking, ocd, obsessive thoughts. rather than helping me my mother would lose her temper. I wasn’t regularly hit or anything but I remember being hit hard a few times when I would be crying through the night.
Then it comes to my uncle. He lived with my Granny when I was young. He had a much younger girlfriend who was pregnant. I spent a lot of time at my granny’s. He was abusive to his gf and I remember the violence and the police, my uncle being arrested several times and going to prison. My mum used to visit him every week in prison and we had to go to. Every week visiting a prison for a year. I remember it well. My uncle had issues for alcohol and prescription drugs and he was often violent too my Granny and my mother. He attempted suicide a few times. I lost count the amount of times I would wake up to a cousin or friend as my mother had to go help him.
My uncle then got a caution for texting under age girls. I was known as the paedos niece when I was in school.
I don’t know what I’m getting to here. I feel like I’ve never been able to talk about it. My mother changes the subject, I don’t think she realises I remember, my long term partner has heard it so many times, I don’t have many close friends I can confide in.
I could chat for hours about other shit too but I’m rambling on now.
For so many years I pretended like I’d forgotten about all this shit but it hasn’t and sometimes it just goes round and round my head.
I major issues with anxiety, ocd, depression, I struggle to relax, can’t have fun.
I have two D.C. myself and I’m trying my best as a mother but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. 😢