Hi everyone, I need to talk. Name change for this. I feel really down at the moment, and I have no idea how to get out of it. I have a 14 month old. Things have been crazy since she came along, as to be expected, but I think things have been more crazy than they needed to be.
We made a big move when I was six months pregnant, it was a bit of a leap of faith - we are freelance and couldn't afford to live where we were living and it was very hard to get work, and we were in quiet a lot of debt. Thankfully it all worked out, we are much more comfortable now and I feel a lot more secure in our future. We live 20 mins from my PILs, and a 3 hour flight and train journey from my family. We were not living near my family before but could get to them slightly more easily, about a five hour drive.
From when I got pregnant I feel my Mum belittled my experiences, constantly telling me how difficult it had been for her, and how her stress while pregnant had been much worse than mine. She also repeatedly told me stories about a traumatic birth she had. When I had my daughter I really struggled with breastfeeding, my daughter managed to take most of the skin off both nipples, and she lost a lot of weight. My Mum just got angry with me when I tried to talk to her about it - as I was in a totally new place I didn't feel I had anybody else to ask - and said it was hard for her it would just be hard for me and I just had to put up with it. I persevered, and am still feeding, but since she was 2-3 months old I have had comments from my Mum about weaning her off, and I now feel embarrassed breastfeeding around my family members when we or they visit. She would also ask me if my baby was warm enough constantly on the phone, and when we started solids would say she felt sorry for the baby having to eat the food I was cooking her as it sounded disgusting (apparently these were all jokes). She and another family member also berated me for not starting solids at 3 months or earlier as my baby was clearly starving and breastfeeding far too much, and I have also repeatedly been told to leave my daughter to cry by various family members. As a result of this I feel very uncomfortable leaving her with them for any period of time. I feel I just can't get over how I was treated at this time, even though it all happened a year ago now, and still cry over it several times a week.
I also consider my FIL to be emotionally abusive, and so would not leave my daughter alone with my PIL. This is not an option at the moment anyway as my MIL is waiting for an operation and is currently disabled due to needing it. My DH is supportive of my views.
In the mean time, when my daughter was three months, a close family member died. Since this happened I have had repeated morbid thoughts about what happens when we die, when will I die, when will my daughter die. I am not suicidal, but can't stop wondering about 'the big questions', particularly at night. Also, my extended family feels like it has shattered in response to the death, and I have been dealing separately with warring factions. One family member came to stay with me a few months afterwards and talked a lot about death and dying, clearly processing it herself, but I found it very hard to deal with along with my own emotions and little sleep due to looking after a baby.
In addition to this we had to give up our dog four months ago as he was aggressive towards my daughter (she startled him - he isn't an aggressive dog). He now lives 20 minutes away with a couple with grown up children and we can see him when we want (so thankful for that), and I know it is safest for him and me, but I am still devastated. I miss him so much, and cry every day at the moment.
In addition to this, I am paranoid that everything I do with my daughter will affect her when she is older. I spend each day worrying that I am not doing enough constructive activities with her, not being attentive enough to her emotions, feeding her the wrong things or at the wrong time. Yesterday I gave her packet of carrot puffs to eat while I did the weekly food shop and I felt really guilty for using food as entertainment, and that it was junky. I worry I am not providing her with a perfectly balanced diet, and get stressed if my husband feeds her something she's already had in that day. If I sit down and watch tv for half an hour with a cup of tea while she's quietly playing I feel guilty the whole time that I'm not spending enough quality time with her.
Long story short: I feel really down, spend a lot of time ruminating on the nature of life and existence and also making sure I am being the best parent ever. I cry every day at least once. I've had a few sessions of counselling but don't feel much better. I'm considering asking for anti-ds but am worried about breastmilk and also potentially trying for another and being on them. Thanks for reading if you got this far.