Ive reached breaking point

[Unconventionalmum]

I'm a mum to three amazing children, aged 6, 2 and 1. I also suffer with various mental health issues such as bpd, GAD, depression and PTSD.

I have come a long way in the last 18 months and have reduced the number of hospitalisation to zero after being admitted every couple of weeks previously. I'm in therapy and it works but right now I've had enough of life. I've had enough of waking up in the morning, getting kids to school, the cleaning, the cooking, the bathing kids, the bedtime and just being a person really. It's not all about the kids either, I've had enough of all of the things I used to enjoy, I'm sick to death of my uni work, I'm sick of waking up to just be me. I don't take care of my hygiene unless I have too and right now I'm considering walking out of my house and no one knowing any difference. The only reason I'm not is because it's my two daughters birthdays next week and I can't do that to them.

I'm not a good mum, my partner does everything. My son doesn't sleep, I'm up from 3 am with him and then I sleep when kids are in school but my family constantly say I'm lazy for sleeping in the day. Im sat crying on the top of the stairs because I have to keep going in to see my son who is wide awake and I just had enough. I know I'm going to lose it. I know I'm going to be a horrible snappy bitch later today and I don't want to. I want this to end.

Sweetheart, please don't be so hard on yourself. You mentioned you have a partner helping-talk to them. Go to the GP and ask for more help, you are not a bad mother at all. Be kind to yourself, If you need to wake your partner and just take a hug as a start point- do it.
Talk to your Uni tutor and they will point you in the direction of help from the Uni.
Your beautiful children love you and need you to take a few steps to allow people in.
I completely get what you have written but being you-is special!
Maybe take today and do something that you really have enjoyed in the past. Tell your partner that you need just to something today-go the the cinema, swimming, coffee or anything-just do something!
Please know that there can be better days ahead and you are important!

I try to talk to my partner and whilst he does everything for me, I find he doesn't understand. He gets fed up. He's seen me get suicidal and depressed so often, it doesn't seem to bother him as much anymore. It's just 'oh you're in one of those moods' which hurts quite.
I've got to get out of the house and buy stuff for my daughters birthday party tomorrow although it's not till next Wednesday 😴 I'm hoping I can grab a coffee with my sister which may cheer me up.

I went to the doctors twice last week, they were lovely but ultimately can't help me with how I'm feeling. They prescribed me 14 diazepam which I've already used up. I rang the crisis team and they said they can't help until I've acted on my plans. You'd think they'd try to prevent suicide attempts 😔

I feel like such a complete let down, if I continue like this, then I'll lose evěything.