PTSD Pregnancy Loss

[jessicaj7]

Hi all,
I am hoping for some advice/support at what feels a very lonely time...

I am going to provide a lot of detail in this message that some may not feel comfortable with (it related to pregnancy termination)... so just a warning for those who don't want to read about it.

I am married and we have 2 children. Last year we were pregnant and although to some extent the baby was wanted, the best decision at the time for us was to terminate the pregnancy. We did this and I "gave birth" (which is exactly what it felt like) at home. It was a horrible experience. We saw the baby (fetus... although it feels wrong to call it that) by choice and I even took a photo and then we buried it. I had a couple of weeks off work and then returned. A few months on and I have cried every day since, some days a small tear rolls down my face in the car, other days it gets to the point of struggling for breath and I have to take deep breaths to calm down. I feel regret at the person we are not going to meet, I have visions of the fetus and who she (I have a feeling it was a girl) was going to be and I feel I have taken that away from her, and away from our children. The weekend after the termination my daughter was asked what she would like for Christmas.... "A sister" was her answer!!! At the same time as the regret I also know that it was the right decision for us at that time, so then I feel very confused because of the strongly different thoughts.
So my husband is the only person who knows about the termination, a friend and my work colleagues are aware of a pregnancy loss but the assumption is that it was a miscarriage. My husband acknowledges that his feelings are not as strong as mine although he does think how things may have been, but he is very sure about it being the right decision. No other family know, we decided not to tell them as couldn't see any benefit in doing so, most family don't live locally and I have never really been so close that I would discuss these things with them anyway, and we also don't want the children to know what has happened so keeping it from family was the best option.

Among many things, I had been struggling at work to even know what people are talking to me about (very poor memory and almost zero motivation), I had been getting unnecessarily snappy with the children, eating badly and just generally not looking after myself. My brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy almost a month ago and that has been emotional when meeting him and seeing our children with him.
I went to the Dr last week and they have said that looking at my symptoms they think that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)... this surprised me as I hadn't really labelled it a traumatic experience, but realise now that it was.
I have been off work for a week and a half now and have been managing to get things done around the house that I have wanted to do for a long time which is helping with my focus.
At the weekend my husband was being snappy with the children and dismissive of feelings. He used to behave like that quite regularly a few years ago but had therapy successfully and this was now out of character for him. I was getting frustrated and basically things escalated and ended up with him saying I am "skiving off work" and that I "haven't even spoken to him" about my feelings over the last week (this was completely untrue and it turned out he just couldn't remember the conversations!!) He said he doesn't want to be here anymore, he has no patience with anyone at work, he thinks our relationship is non-existent (I have seen absolutely no problems in our relationship, which he was surprised at), he has thought about just smashing his car into a wall or taking a load of tablets and ending it all....
So... following that on Sunday we spoke and I have offered my support ... I said that it hurt that he had made comments about me "skiving" after I had opened up to him and he is the only person (besides the doctor) who knows exactly how I feel. I now don't want to open up to him... 1. because he is vulnerable himself and 2. because he has broken my trust.
He is going away to Germany this weekend to help sort some things after his grandads death last month. He has made a Dr appointment to discuss how he feels next week.

So why am I posting here... well because I need to write this down and would also like to hear any advice or comments.
I sometimes feel better than I did but right now if I were to go back to work I know that things would slip back very quickly... I am not ready for a return just yet. Work are very supportive of time off (they don't have much choice really).
My relationship with the children is good and I have definitely seen an improvement in my patience and closeness with them.

I have a Drs appointment tomorrow to discuss how I am and to also discuss some blood test results but that relates to my epilepsy medication/contraception. I have been referred to the Psychology Wellbeing Service also so await a call from them.

Do I take longer off work? When do I know its right to go back? Any advice on things I can do to work through this?

Thanks for anyone who has taken the time to read this.

Hi there, don't worry you're not alone.

Back in November last year I had a few tests and scans done and we were delighted, there seemed to had been some health difficulties with both the babe and I, I was 19 weeks so we knew that she was a girl but we had decided that the best thing to do was to terminate the pregnancy (now I know a lot of people will think I was selfish for that choice so far along) and I had to literally give birth to her, was in hospital 3 days.

Everyday I have regretted it since, some days are worse than others, Lani was going to be our first after multiple miscarriages and I miss her dearly and will always wonder who she would've been.

The thing that keeps me going is remembering that I done it for the better, it wouldn't had been fair on either of us if I had gone full term because I know she would've been suffering.

What you need to remember is that it's not that you didn't love her, because you did, but when the time is right, you'll meet her again, don't beat yourself up about it, because you are a strong incredible woman for what you went though, I know how hard it is. Don't let it define you.

Please ask the MN team to add a trigger warning (abortion) to your title. It's not fair on others to have to open this thread to then discover the title is misleading.

Tomtontom, the title isn't misleading, it's still a pregnancy loss it's just not titled what type of loss, it's not unfair, if people don't like it they can stop reading

Lani15 - thank you for your reply. Sorry to hear of your experience, it must have been a very difficult decision to make and it sounds like it is a time of very mixed emotions, that's something difficult to get to grips with (feeling like you have done what is best, but at the same time feeling regret). Are you having any help (counselling, therapy)?
Thank you for your comments, you sound like a very strong incredible woman also.
The visions of who she was going to be are difficult, I went out to the post office and pharmacy a couple of days ago and a vision of walking around with a buggy again came into my mind and tears rolled down my face.
I get that this is a process to go through. My decision now is when will be the right time to get back to work. I do not feel ready. The dr yesterday suggested I take one more week off and then return to work on reduced hours the week after. I don't have an appointment with a therapist for another couple of weeks and there are no signs of my visions or tears stopping... and my husband also isn't in a good place mentally or physically. I can't see me being ready after just next week but I guess if that's the case I can go to the dr again.

I don't wish to sound "sorry for myself", I am using the forum as a place I can get my feelings out and maybe understand them more and find ways to move forward to a healthier, happier life. I want to get back to "normal" routines but also don't want to make the mistake of going back to work too soon again.

Thank you again for your reply, its good to be able to come on here especially when only 1 other person (besides medical staff) knows the full circumstances.

If anyone has any opinions/thoughts/suggestions/questions then please reply. Thank you.

Tomtontom - I don't feel that the title is misleading as it was a pregnancy loss that I am now dealing with PTSD following. The title, I feel, is the best for what I want people to see before opening the message and I have put at the top of my message an overview of things that will be detailed so people can choose to stop reading.
Apologies if this has offended you.