Drunk. Infertile. Suicidal.

[125678katie]

Just that. Ttc for 18 months. Nothing. I just want to end all of this pain, it’s so unbearable

No advice but

I'm listening.

Please, please don't do this. 18 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things but it feels exhausting, it feels so tiring, as if it will go on forever, I get that.

You're hurting so bad.

You will live through this and there is so much happiness you could have because 18 months is hardly any time, really. If you do this now you will miss out on your chance.

Give it another year. You've worked so hard.

Have a cry. Grieve your hard work. And go to bed, and if your DP is there, cuddle up close to them, because they are your teammate, the one you will live through this with.

Don't give up.

Google Gateway Women.

Infertility is one of the hardest things to experience and it's not fair.

Ask you're GP for antidepressants and seek counseling.

You are important x

It just feels like it’s never going to end. Every month I gave that same hopeless feeling of positivity and it’s geutinh to that point where it just feels so pathetic and pointless

Oh my. You sound very much like me, five years ago. I'd tried for five years at that point already, and told my now-DH that if I didn't have a child in five years, I'd kill myself. I was a drunk, blubbering mess.

Five years passed. I have not one, but two children, the first of whom required some extra help in conceiving, and the second of whom was a complete and total "surprise" baby conceived entirely the old-fashioned (accidental, contraception failure!) way. My kids are 3 and 1. Maybe we'll even try to make another someday.

My husband and I were just reminiscing and saying that if someone had told us back then that we'd have two children in five years, we'd have assumed fertility treatment had yielded twins. There was no way we would have foreseen having such a tight age gap between our kids without it having been the result of a lot of fertility treatment.

Twelve weeks after I became surprise-pregnant with DS2, not one, but TWO of my friends with years-long fertility problems became pregnant as well. It happens all the time. Especially if you have PCOS (lots of evidence rolling in that most PCOS women have their babies later in life, but they do have them after all).

My sister was where you are. She had an ectopic 15 years ago, and was told she' d never conceive. Her daughter is 7 now. Dont give up. You matter X

OP it's so hard but I am childfree following infertility and I love my life now. You'll be ok
As said above, look up Gateway. They are marvellous.

It won’t be like this forever I promise. I’ve been there too and I remember the feelings of dispair. I thought it would never end. I was never given a final diagnosis for my infertility. However I did manage to conceive after having to self-fund IVF and was lucky enough for it to work first time. After having my first DC i since went on to get pregnant naturally twice, both times in the first month of ttc. The first natural pregnancy ended in mc. The second resulted in DC2. I believe there was an issue stopping me from getting pregnant that the IVF treatment helped me to overcome. I also think that first pregnancy and/ the IVF is what enables me to get pregnant again naturally. I won’t ever forget the pain I went through but I have been able to put it behind me. I tried counselling and found it didn’t help me. The only thing that did help was getting pregnant and having my DS. Don’t give up. If you do end up having to have IVF then chances are you will go on to have a baby. The success rates are much better than they used to be and are improving all the time.

Talk to someone please x can give you my number x

You poor thing! There are options though, please don't despair. As a PP has said, not having children can still lead to an amazing life - but if you do want to be parents, there are lots of options nowadays.

First, you need to find out what is the problem. If your partner is infertile, you can get donor sperm and it could be quite simple (although obv there may be psychological issues for him). If it's you then there are all sorts of options depending on the situation. The consultants will talk you through all the possible problems and solutions.

DH and I met when I was mid 30s and by the time we married and TTC it turned out I was perimenopausal. We tried IVF but I had no eggs, so eventually went abroad for donor eggs. Ten years later I have two gorgeous children and couldn't be happier - the fact that they are not genetically mine is totally not an issue (although I accept they may have some curiosity when they are older).

We also looked into adoption and fostering. Women who can't carry a child can also look at surrogates. I realise some options aren't cheap, but please, don't do anything rash - there are so many options these days.

I hope you will feel more positive when the hangover has cleared - talk to your DP, register with your local fertility clinic if you haven't already, and fingers crossed!!

IVF is pretty inexpensive in other countries in Europe (much cheaper than UK including travel, plus some have deals). I have twins, and we paid €4000 but that was for 2 cycles if the first failed (it didn't) and they have higher success rates in Greece where we did ours. I think some clinics in Poland and Czech Republic were even cheaper than that. It's really not that far from possibility.

I would try to take a deep breath. Could you ask your GP for tests just to rule out other problems? They may be willing to do a sperm count (this can indicate issues with things other than fertility if your CCG doesn't allow it) and could maybe check your thyroid as well. I would just have an honest conversation with your GP and look at the options again.

It will get better

Almost 37, too fat for fertility treatment desperate and running out of time. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/3300320-Almost-37-too-fat-for-fertility-treatment-desperate-and-running-out-of-time

This was me in July of last year.

I honestly felt I didn't think it was worth going on.

I'm now 22 weeks pregnant and due in July this year.

Things can change drastically OP. Hold on in there, like someone mentioned 18months isn't that usual or long in the scheme of things. Good luck

Don’t give on life. There are options and even if they don’t work or you don’t want to try them all, it’s increasingly common to be child free and have a great life even if it’s not the one you expected to have.

You can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment which is clouding your judgement but I can assure you that you’re not alone.

Many of us including me know how you feel and have come out the other side regardless of whether we had a child in the end or not.

In addition, your OP should be copied and pasted into every thread started by insensitive people claiming infertility isn’t that bad or that the NHS shouldn’t give people infertility treatment. Infertility can and does cause severe mental health issues and is often the symptom of physical/health issues, all of which the NHS should try and treat.

Not going to go into my personal experience but trust me, I know how you’re feeling. Don’t give in to the bad thoughts.

After 7 years and finally giving up hope of ever having a baby I’m now lying next to my 7 week old daughter.
You do have options
Hang on in there x

Oh OP couldn't read and run. Hand-holding.

Please don’t give up... have you seen a fertility consultant? What did they say? Mine said it was perfectly possible for some couples to take up to 2 years to conceive.
As it was, we needed ivf due to me not having many eggs left and twisty/slow tubes. 3 years after we started ttc, we finally got our twins.

I remember that despair I do. But there are so many options with treatment to explore so please don’t give up

I was in your situation, I was 37, had been TTC for almost 2 years with only 2 MC to show for it, I had been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries & had been referred to the infertility clinic, preliminary tests had showed that all the problems were with me, my husband was fine, I even told him to go out & find someone else to have children with. We got our appointment for the hospital the day we were going on holiday, it was for the next month, I felt that it was never going to happen, I was sure that they would tell us I was too old or my ovarian reserve had dried up. I was extremely depressed all the week we were away, I was tearful, bad tempered & picked arguments with my husband over anything, the day we came home I just had a feeling something wasn't right, out of desperation I did a pregnancy test, it was positive & resulted in my DS who is now 15.

I’m so sorry. It took us over three years, surgery, and two tries at ivf to get pregnant. I can now recognise how incredibly fortunate we were that it wasn’t worse but at the time we were both suicidal. I remember going to counselling. If you scored over 10 on their questionnaire thing you were considered high risk of suicide. We were both high 20’s and we never dropped from that the whole time we attended.

What did help was making a plan b. We are fortunate enough to know people who are childfree. Both by choice and because of infertility. They led full and happy lives and that gave us hope we might too. Not the life we planned but a good life nonetheless.

So when we had our first cycle fail we planned a holiday around what would have been my due date. Turns out I can’t go because it’s not a trip suitable for a pregnant woman now our second go worked. But if that go hadn’t worked on my not due date I’d be sitting somewhere warm sipping wine, not sat at home watching six other people come home with their newborns.

We also looked into DH dropping his hours/career changing, a big move and adopting more dogs. Friends of ours have travelled the world, moved continent, adopted, taken on a motley collection of animals and bought a huge doer upper (not all the same couple).

But those are big things. For now keep yourself alive and safe. That’s a big thing too. I know you aren’t ok right now, but I want you to know it’s ok to not be ok.

18 months really is nothing when ttc. I know it doesn't feel like that at the time. I have been there and subsequently had ivf. Dd on my 3rd attempt. Have you been checked over and told one of you is infertile or are you assuming?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

I know this thread has not been posted on for over a year but @125678katie I totally understand what you meant. I'm currently going through TTC depression, and I feel like no one understands me except fellow infertile people ttc. I have tube blockage and I'm nervous about thyroid results. I'm feeling pessimistic about my journey, it's hard to smile sometimes. If anything good happens, it would be a surprise to me.

I feel your pain. I found this thread as I’m also feeling very very depressed and I’m 42 one failed ivf, no money left and ttc for 2 years. Can feel my eggs dying each month and I’m so sad inside. I have referred to counselling but I can’t imagine a life unfulfilled.