BPD feeling hopeless

[musicalfruit123]

Does anyone else feel that if they didn’t have kids that they definitely wouldn’t choose to be alive any more?
I had my DD when I was 21, in an abusive relationship, when I was completely lost because I thought having a baby would make me happy, would make me feel complete and fill the constant empty void . It hasn’t done, and 8 years on I’m still self harming and wishing I didn’t have to suffer any more. But because I’m a mum it’s like I don’t have the option of just giving up, so now I’m trapped here.
I know this must sound so ungrateful, I have the chance of life and a beautiful daughter but I’m not sure I can cope with endless suffering and emotional pain for the rest of my life.
I’m in therapy, I’m doing what I need to do but I’m not confident any of it will work.

It is certainly true that having children gives new responsibilities and can restrict your options. But I hope you'd choose to fight your depression even without a child to care for.

I'm sorry to read about how you've been feeling. It sounds like you've been battling for a long time.

But as long as you're tackling it in therapy, you haven't given up, and there is definitely hope for recovery. Your beautiful daughter is one reason to live, but I hope you will find that there are more reasons too.

And nobody would say you are being ungrateful. Depression can strike anyone whatever blessings they have.

Thank you so much for your reply.
Unfortunately I most certainly would not continue to fight my depression if I didn’t have a child. I’ve been depressed since I was a child , my childhood was miserable and my adult years have followed suit. It’s not to say that I don’t have happy moments, of course I do but they are so fleeting and are overshadowed by this looming dark cloud. I live each day with feelings of dread, am unable to have a relationship and am isolated from my dysfunctional family. I am in a state of shock at how fucked up the world is and would no way want to carry on being here if I didn’t have to. Grim but true.

You've been bearing a heavy burden for a long time and you're worn down. Perhaps you can't even see that you deserve a happy life.

I hope you'll talk through the things you mentioned in counseling.

Thank you for your kindness. I’ve talked it through with my therapist, it helped a little but I’m still feeling quite despondent about things. I’m acting out in a way I’ve not done for a long time, I cried in public today , i met my friend for a coffee and his friend showed up, I didn’t know if he seeing anyone else and I freaked out and had to leave. I’m acting like a teenager.

Sorry that should say *i didn’t expect to see anyone else

Sounds like your emotions are surfacing and that might not actually be a bad thing.

When is your next appointment with your therapist?

Hi OP
I'm watching the responses with interest. I could have written you posts almost word for word. I'm surviving but not living at all. Just going through the painful motions of everyday trying to be grateful as everyone keeps telling me but it's very very hard. I don't have the answers for you but just saying you're not alone.

Thank you both.
My therapist is now away for 2 weeks unfortunately, so I’m left with the number for the crisis team if really needed.
ginger- definitely helps to know I’m not alone. Are you able to share a little about your experience?

You're also welcome to talk here whenever you think it might help.

@musicalfruit123 I'm sorry that your therapist is away at the moment when you need the support. Try and hang on in and do call the crisis numbers you've been given if you need to, don't feel bad. I've been through several periods where I've had to call or text support services on a daily basis. When I think back to those
times it's scary how unwell I was and not even really realise. But on the flip side things are not great now but they are far better than they were and I try to hold on to the thought that it can get better.
But much like you in the dark times I feel almost resentful of my DC as if not for them I could check out from life once and for all. I'm not at all happy with my life, more like just getting on because I have to, just existing.
No partner no job no respite no money no anything and the drugs have made me put on 2 stone in weight so I feel like utter shite
If I could I would stay in bed all day every day. Can't rely on my family for support either.

That sounds really hard gingerfreckles. I’m sorry that you’re having to cope with all that. Do you have BPD too? I don’t take medication, I’ve not reacted well to them before and the side effects concern me a lot. You’re right to remember that things can get better, but yes, when things are bad, they’re really bad and it’s hard to imagine how things will ever improve. I find it difficult that most people don’t get it. Well meaning friends will suggest - why don’t you do exercise? Go for a walk? Take a bath? I think perhaps when you struggle with MH for so long it becomes easier to put a mask on and maybe people don’t realise just how desperate the situation is...

Hi musical, I have bipolar disorder and it sucks. Another horrible day

Just wanted to gently say that therapy may well be stirring up extremely painful feelings/thoughts/behaviours for you and as difficult as they may currently be, just try to stay with it. Although it is extremely hard to see a way through, it may just be, like someone said above, that these things are coming up because they need to be witnessed by you. Hang on in there.
You are clearly suffering, and the thoughts you describe seem almost natural considering your emotional pain, so give yourself a break and try not to add judgement to what you are thinking. You are doing the best you can, and living in fear and dread is an incredibly difficult, if quite common, way to be. Take care. I hope that this too shall pass for you.