any point in counselling for what might have been sexual abuse?

[Marlus]

I'm wondering what to do and hope that someone can give me some advice.

When I was young (say 4 until 7) my parents had a friend who come round for dinner every night and sometimes babysat. He would play slightly sexualised games with me (put my underwear into a thong and pretend we were circus performers, bouncing me one his knees), but not anything worse. I knew at the time my mother didn't like it, but felt very much complicit in these games. Apparently my grandmother, who lived with us, once found him kissing me with tongues, but I don't remember that.

Anyway, I've known this all along and at the time don't remember feeling traumatised or anything by it. Recently, though, I was checking out a website for work, and saw that some things that I used to do are warning signs for sexual abuse. The most extreme of these was that I sometimes would put a hot lightbulb against my vagina (embarrassed typing that even now), thinking at the time it was because it felt good. I also spent most of my childhood kind of hiding, feeling very ashamed about pretty much everything.

I'm now in my fourties, have a husband and three children, but am also taking antidepressants since the birth of my last child. I am wanting to come off these, but don't know if I can without counselling (feel very overwhelmed at times by the demands of my job as an academic and three children when I'm not taking the tablets).

Is there any point to having counselling in these circumstances? i don't have much time, and also don't really know what addressing the might have been sexual abuse will do at this point. Has anyone else been through similar? I have had counselling in the past, mostly because I was being very hard on myself, and had an amazing core process counsellor at the time, but sadly she has passed away. Any advice or feedback would be very welcome.

Yes there is a point in counseling as that might help you come off the antidepressants, which you want.

I think you would definitely benefit taking through what your parents' friend did. It is on your mind.

Very best of luck.

Thanks MLMsuperfan. It is on my mind, but finding a good counsellor is so hard and I am worried that it will be more trouble than it is worth, at least for the foreseeable future, while I am not sure what good can come of it..

I can't say whether finding a counsellor and finding time and money to see them would be a net positive for you.

But I think it might. I'd say that it's a good possibility you might find things you can make peace with, particularly as you say you spent your childhood feeling ashamed of almost everything.

Thanks MLM, I appreciate your thoughts. The shame is now mostly gone (if anything, I overshare), and I was wondering if I'm making things too complicated, especially as I wasn't traumatised at the time, and I'd actually feel really uncomfortable talking about it in terms of sexual abuse, but maybe that in itself means I should?

I guess that 'Should I see a counsellor?' fits into 'If you have to ask, the answer is probably yes' territory.

It's a bit like if a friend asks if they should see a doctor about a rash.. Who's going to reply 'no'? :-)

You don't need to label what happened to you as sexual abuse (nor deny it that label either). That label isn't the point. The point is it's something that happened and you still think about and may have had an effect on you.

I agree with MLM. Whatever it was that happened doesn't need a label. But if you feel it needs exploring then do look into finding a counsellor to help you do that. They can help you find new ways to deal with day to day stress too which will hopefully help you come off the medication if that's what you want.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Yes I would really suggest you see someone. I have an event at the same age. Sexual abuse is still sexual abuse at the end of the day even if it might be seen as being "not real" .

"but felt very much complicit in these games".

No child can really consent to any of it, and it's not your fault.

Hi OP, I agree with those encouraging you to talk your memories and uncertainty through with a counsellor who has some experience of seeing clients with childhood sexual abuse experiences. I was struck by the detail you described regarding what you remember doing to yourself, as well as your grandmother's memory and the possibility that you don't remember what she saw. Sadly, there's a strong possibility that the inevitable trauma you suffered was overlooked by others (not necessarily deliberately) but more importantly not understood as trauma by yourself. It's also very possible there's more detail and events than you can consciously recall at present, and it does have an impact as we get older if it's not supportively worked through. Your depression is very likely to be a symptom of that unresolved experience of trauma which a very significant part of your psyche still needs to process.

Depending on where you're based there may be low cost/donation counselling services for adults who were sexually abused as children. For some supportive further information in the meantime the organisation onein4 has a useful website.

I would say you probably know the answer to your question. xx
As children, we are like sponges and we just take in whatever happens, mostly without question. It feels to me like a part of you is looking for healing, and I would listen to that instinct. It may take time to find a therapist who you are happy to work with, but I would say sometimes you need to just go for it and I realised in retrospect that the relationship with my therapist ended up being more important than my initial preoccupation with whether or not she was right for me. I don't know if that makes sense, but some of what I resisted in her initially has turned out to be really valuable as my therapy has progressed. Good luck.

In your shoes I'd definitely go to Counselling, especially as you've had a positive experience of Counselling in the past. You should be able to used that guidance to help you find someone you can work with (if you go private don't be afraid to try a couple until you settle for someone you feel comfortable with).

I have had therapy for trauma - some of it very violent sexual assault. However, I also had similar experiences to those you describe and in some way I found that harder to make sense of than the very obvious terror inducing paralysis type attacks I went thtrough.

Actually I have probably spent more time on the more insidious stuff than the big ticket items, partly because of the level of confusuin involved. Which I now view as part of the abuse - not only are you abused you are gaslit into not knowing that you have been and I think I found that more detrimental psychologically than attacks that were outright hatred.

I had 3 years of therapy and am now getting to a really good point, so I'd highly endorse you going. I stumbled into therapy after being diagnosed with depression and it was only once I started talking that I realised what was at the root of it.

Good luck.

Hello @Marlus. I did a safeguarding course seven years ago, during which i realised that some stuff that happened when i was between 9-13 had been sexually abusive. It was with another child so is a bit more borderline. I had always felt as though i knew that i was, deep down, very bad and never really understood why. Suffice to say, coming to terms with traumatic early sexualisation made it very clear that my (unmet by my kind by very Englishand standoffish parents) need for physical affection and the quite normal physiological response i had had to it were responsible. I did realise that not only was i not bad now, i never had been, and that was truly liberating, and years of depression, anxiety, stress and instability melted away. The trauma i experienced with a fairly mundane hospital birth, for example, made much more sense. However, it made me reassess every decision i ever took, and that has brought with it a deal of anger.

There are excellent written resources that you can use, discreetly, cheaply and in your own time/space. I found 'breaking free' to be very helpful. It is a rocky road, and you will certainly need a good guide and plenty of supportive companions on the journey but it is one worth taking.

Thanks everyone, really helpful to see your responses. I guess I’m worried about opening a can of worms. I really wish I had talked about some of this with my brilliant counsellor years ago, but back then I was firmly of the opinion that whatever happened, I now needed to take responsibility for myself and focus on what was happening at the time. I felt like that because I had been weirdly attention seeking (and then rebuffing) in my teens and 20s, wanting people to feel sorry for me, so didn’t want to feed that. I will have a look at the resource you mention doesthatmakesense, that will be an easy first step. The other thing holding me back is that I live rurally and have 3 small children, so finding time is an issue. Does anyone know of a good counsellor who will work over Skype, or is that not a good idea?

Hi Marlus,

My therapy is by skype but because my therapist moved away about 9 months into my therapy, so we had built up a very good therapeutic relationship in person before they left.

Views vary on whether skype is ok for this kind of trauma because it requires a lot of 'holding'. Therapists tend to think that the holding is better when contained in person, as you are in the room together.

I'll be honest, I've been through all kind of traumatic experiences in therapy and the bottom line is that whether you are with your therapist in person or seeing them over Skype you only have them for an hour a week and the rest of the time you do the 'holding' all by yourself.

And so I hold the therapeutic relationship itself - do you 'click' with this person, can you see yourself trusting them etc? over their physical being in the room.

So in your shoes I would certainly consider Skype - perhaps on the proviso that you do meet in person at least once, perhaps for the introductory session or first few sessions then move to Skype.

Thanks marathondesable, that makes sense. I like your view of how you have to hold the therapeutic relationship yourself. I’ll see who’s available in Glasgow, my nearest city.