Hi I’m a mum of 2 beautiful babies boy age 7 and a little girl 15 months, as you can see quite a big age difference my little girl was a very big unexpected surprise but loved more than words can describe. At just 8 weeks old she had a episode of vacant seizures and was treated for bacteria meningitis, after a long 9 days in hospital awaiting results she got the all clear of the dreaded infection but referred to a children’s hospital for investigation as to what caused the seizures. After again awaiting results and hopefully some reassurance that nothing like this was ever to happen again, only to be told at my follow up that they had not yet received results and that no news was good news. The fear of not knowing if my little girl was going to continue to have these seizures/vacant episodes again put instant anxiety into me, constantly checking slight twitch and I was panicking or in a little days would send me into meltdown. I was extremely over the top protective of her which ment I never gave myself a minute then bang before I knew it 9month old and she was walking I felt robbed of my little baby. In this time I become down blaming myself for being helpless and even tho know looking back it was all out of my control I 100% believe it was my fault and I was a bad mum not only to my daughter but to my son to the point I thought they would live a happier life without me. I gave myself the courage and accepted support but refused medication even after the mental health teams plead for me to try it, I went on to suffer but just hide it better until again one day I felt I was causing my children fiancé loved ones sever hurt and pain and went on to write my son a note of how sorry I was I believe he would be happier without me 🙁 again a moment of reality hit me at the voice of my son calling me “mum” “mum”!! I went and got a further appointment to try medication citralipram20mg and a sleeping tablet and mandatory 9 week a daily visit from a MH support worker. I was diagnosed with manic depression and also PND. I have just found out I’m pregnant again while still suffering and absolutely terrified of the outcome Please someone give me some advice apart from contraception! Thank you