I've always suffered depression. Undiagnosed in my teens. I had a narcissistic mother who I am nc with. Mostly for the last 20 years but with sporadic contact. About 4 years ago we tried to make a go of it. But it failed terribly and I had a complete breakdown. Nc since apart from about a year in she called just to 'check I was ok'. With each child I've had pnd, but that has lasted years. I'm currently unmediated probably been about 8 months since I took anything. I felt a just wanted a break from meds, put on weight and wanted to try for a baby.
I've noticed that my mood comes in waves. I can feel an 'episode' building and then it just overwhelms me. It feels like that pain you get when someone dies. It hurts. I just dissolve and get angry at the slightest thing then cry uncontrollably. I feel suicidal but also at the same time terrified of leaving them - it's a kind of in between place and it's awful.
I'm trying for a baby. That in itself is stressing me out as I've not fallen straight away. Had a chemical pregnancy in January. Now I have a sense of doom about the whole thing.
Don't really know why I'm posting. What is wrong with me?