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Mental health

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Flip

Original poster

All my own fault.

17 replies

wtpwtp · 06/07/2007 23:46

I dont think I should type this here,I know you will all shoot me down in flames and I deserve it, but feeling so very low and tearful so here goes. I have changed my name as I am ashamed of what Iam doing, have no friends or relatives I can talk to and just think writing here might make things clearer for me. As the subject says its all my own fault.
Dh and I havent been getting on for ages now, but dont really talk about it, that just ends up with us blaming each other. I started a very infrequent affair with a married friend of the family 2years ago, and had a ds a year ago (not sure if he is dh or othermans), dh wants me to show i love him more, but he just irritates me, Iam really not sure I do love him anymore,I think other man is just using me for occasional sex when the opportunity arises although he says he loves me, he cant for ...sake hes a married man. I know I should finish with him. I feel much more in control and less stressed when dh is away on business and dont know if this means we should seperate and we might both be happy again.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 06/07/2007 23:47

why are you still with your DH?

sez23 · 06/07/2007 23:48

you want to be with dh or d'you like other bloke better?

Original poster

wtpwtp · 06/07/2007 23:51

We have 2 children, and ds, I think thats probably the only reason, I have tried really hard over the years to think we had a good marriage, but its never really been great, I think the final straw was an argument a couple of years ago that got physical, Ive felt different since then.

OP posts:

Electroma · 06/07/2007 23:52

Honey, you need to leave your DH.

Regardless of this other man or not. You will be happier.

Don't worry about the logistics, you will make it work. Please dont think you are to blame, the fact you had an affair just goes to show that you are not happy.

Its not your fault.

Original poster

wtpwtp · 06/07/2007 23:55

You've brought me to tears again, you cant be nice to me.

OP posts:

Electroma · 06/07/2007 23:58

Why on earth not?

You havent done anything to warrant blame.

Yes, affairs are wrong, but there are always reasons. it wasnt a dirty fling for the hell of it, you are not happy at home.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to live with a man and have him bring up a child that you know may not be his. That must be such a hard burden for you to carry.

This all needs to come out, really it does. You will feel such a weight lifted.

Everything will be alright, it really, really will.

Hansmummy · 07/07/2007 00:01

I left my little girl's dad when she was four months old-I wasn't working, had no house, didn't even have a cot and I was still happier-sleeping with mr married is just your final sub-conscious way of telling yourself that it's over. It's harder in some ways with out dh, but easier in many others. I've got a brillo house now and my dd is a much happier girly than she would have been with me being so miserable all the time. If you are happier when dh is away isn't that confirming it?

Electroma · 07/07/2007 00:08

I also left my XP when DS was 9 months old. It was so hard at first, as we lived in his HUGE house and me and DS had to move into a 2 bedroom flat.

But, everything now is great, please trust me things will be better.
It can often be for the best. You must know this in your heart?

Original poster

wtpwtp · 07/07/2007 00:09

I cant quite see anything being alright at the moment,I've always put dh and the children and anyone else that came along first and feel Iam being selfish, guess Iam very confused. Dont know how the children would cope if I leave dh, not sure how I would, like i said i have no friends or relatives i can talk to. I dont think my friend should be involved, why wreck two families. I would like to know who ds is though, spend hours and hours most nights just looking at him wondering.Feel guilty if I ask dh to do anything for him,and guilty in case im lying to him. could go on for hours here.

OP posts:

Electroma · 07/07/2007 00:12

I bet you could.

You can get a DNA, without anyone having to know (i think)

Does MarriedMan know that DS might be his? What does he think?

You can, and will manage if you leave your DH. Otherwise you will continue to be miserable.

I do agree though, if MarriedMan is happy in his marriage there is no point in wrecking that. Although, if he is happy, would he have the affair?

Have you spoken to him? Do you actually have feelings for him or is he just a distraction?

Hansmummy · 07/07/2007 00:16

You never can see it being alright, but it will be.
I literally had lunch one day, finished the washing, locked the front door and turned up at my mum's shaking like a leaf and saying I'd left him-if it hadn't been for my mum I would have gone back.
Once you get over the first month or so you start to find a strength though-I've been on my own for three years now and have found a side to me I would never have known was there-you have to manage for your children, and then you find a pride and respect in yourself and start to like where you are-I promise, it gets easier.

Original poster

wtpwtp · 07/07/2007 00:21

Ive looked into dna testing and it costs a fortune, dh would notice if i took that much out of our account (only have a joint one). married man knows ds might be his and has supported me just by being nice, we see each other most days often with his wife or my dh around so dont get much opportunity to talk, he says he loves me but I really dont think he would leave his dw and children, I have feelings for him but keep telling myself it is wrong, if I leave dh I would want it to be because it is right for us, not because im having/had an affair.

OP posts:

Electroma · 07/07/2007 00:45

well at least you have the right attitude.

You really do need to sort this out.

Take some time to think realistically of how you will manage (which you will) without DH.
Forget about the MarriedMan, if anything was going to happen there, let it happen as a completely seperate entity. And make sure its him coming to you, which by the sound of it you will anyway.

I really hope you are okay, and all i can do is tell you my experience, which was that leaving XP made me a happier person (and he is a great, great man)

Original poster

wtpwtp · 07/07/2007 01:00

Thankyou, I cant quite believe you havent all shot me down in flames, and actually seem to know how I feel. I think I know in my heart that dh and i shouldnt still be together,theres lots more i havent said about the shouting in front the children, putting me down/calling me names in front of them , how everything he does irritates me and how quickly i snap at him and lots more, guess part of me also doesnt want to think Ive failed.Going to go to bed now and get my head around all thats been said here.

OP posts:

Electroma · 07/07/2007 01:57

You should have a good think and then, if you need anything, come back here. even just to talk, which I know from my experiences, helps so, so much.

Remember, there are people there for you even if they are not 'real life'. I know it is not the same but you know what, sometimes it is easier to talk to people you know you dont ever have to meet.

I will come back tomorrow so please, please let me know how you are.

I hope you are alright.

Original poster

wtpwtp · 07/07/2007 10:21

You are right, I ummed and arghed for days about typing here, but have to do something, cant keep bursting into tears. I'm grateful for your replies and pleased things are working out for those of you who have replied. I think maybe Iam still with dh because Iam a coward.

OP posts:

Electroma · 08/07/2007 14:03

Sorry - I was not online yesterday.

You are not a coward, leaving your gusband or partner is a scary situation, especially when there are children involved.

It is not easy for anyone, and the fact that you are taking so long to do it shows nothing but sincerity and integrity on your part. If you took the decision lightly that would become a problem, but you obviously are not.

You obviously love your children very much, and are staying with DH for them. And you must love him too, but possibly just not in love anymore?

Please dont think bad of yourself, this is not your fault.

Flip