I’m feeling a bit lost and scared. This will probably be long and rambling so sorry in advance.
In recent months I’ve been seeing my GP regarding my “feeling down” and occasionally suicidal. I’ve been taking antidepressants for about 5 months with some improvements but I opened up to my GP a bit more about how up and down I’m actually feeling and how I feel like a fraud sometimes as others I’m overwhelmingly happy and unbelievably excited to the point I’ll be saying to friends “oh I can’t WAIT!” drumming my feet on the ground and not actually entirely sure what for. Or I just get this overwhelming hope that things are working out and going to be amazing. Up until 2am cleaning as opposed to staying in bed all day and living in filth.
Seeing a beautiful sunset and ordering lots of art supplies online to paint it and having this idea that this is who I was meant to be all along and how I might sell my house, move to the country and sell my “work”. Not being able to wait for the stuff to be delivered so buying all the same stuff in an actual shop, staying up for hours watching YouTube videos about art but not even managing one picture without getting impatient and bored.
(This is one example of absolutely hundreds) I’ve had to get up in the middle of the night to apply for college courses that I decide I absolutely must do. Recently went through a spate of this and then never even went to any of the interviews for all the various interviews I was asked to attend.
My mood can change from happy go lucky to what’s the point in it all, I do everything for everyone else blah blah blah over something as simple as DD rolling her eyes when I ask her to do something. Other times I take anything like that in a total different manner and I’m laughy, jokey, homely, motherly.
I’ll get knees deep in DIY and stripping walls, painting etc only to get thrown off track and rooms to remain literally half done for months.
I must have kicked ex out hundreds of times over all the years we were together. Sometimes I was gushy with love and others I would tell him how unhappy I was/he made me (I seemed to think my happiness was a reflection of him) but this was a long time ago.
I’ve had alcohol and drug issues in the past but stopped both completely a long time ago.
Things seem to “mean something”, I was reading posts on here and there was mention if some meds that sounded like lamb tagine so I was repeating lamb tagine to myself thinking “this must be relevant, maybe I have to write about lamb tagine, or cook one” I’m not usually in the least bit woo.
Nothing ever just “is”. Like I could never just join a club, in my head I imagine it changing my life and meeting lifelong friends, becoming spokesperson for it. Same with hobbies, it can never just be to enjoy. There’s always this massive bigger picture that it will change everything and I’ll have found my calling and huge success. I rarely even make it to class 2, definitely never 3. I just wish I could view things normally but my mind runs away.
Even the possible bipolar diagnosis, I couldn’t just have bipolar. In my head I’d have to write a book, start a charity, campaign etc.
I’ve isolated myself massively as I’m embarrassed at this stage at all the things I’ve started with gusto and dropped.
Now my doctor wants me to see a psych for possible bipolar as it’s in the family.
I was supposed to post her letter to the psych yesterday but haven’t and don’t know if I should or if I’m overthinking it. I’ve a tendency to be dramatic anyway so maybe I’m overblowing all of this into something it isn’t. I would have love a diagnosis as it would make sense of everything but I am so worrried I’ll get misdiagnosed because the way I am naturally might make it seem like I am-does that make sense? Or I’ll end up dramatically explaining my feelings?
If you managed to read this far thank you!
I’d be really interested in chatting to anyone who related to any of what I’m saying and getting some advise about seeing the psych and the possibility of a misdiagnosis.