I just feel so empty *Trigger Child abuse/Rape

[mumof2andstillsurviving]

I was raped and abused as a child. I have spent my whole life trying to ensure what that man did doesn't affect my life, yet it has still had devastating consequences.

Nearly 4 years ago I felt strong enough to report the abuse to the police (now in my 40s). Last month he was found guilty and because there were a number of victims he was sentenced to a lengthy prison sentence.

Initially after the verdict I felt really high. He was in prison and I put him there. I then came crashing down. He still put me through torment for years.

And now I am left feeling so incredibly empty and raw. The every day feels pointless. The things that were important to me before (work, studying) feel like they have no meaning.

I am really trying hard not to fill the empty feeling with food, this is what I have done in the past. I am literally carrying the weight of a whole other person around with me.

I really want this to be a new beginning, a fresh start. But I'm finding it so hard. My husband has also been left reeling with knowing the details of what happened and I'm scared we will never get back to normal.

I hate that he is STILL impacting on my life. I just want to be able to move forward but I feel like I am being dragged under by the pain he has caused.

Can I suggest you contact NAPAC and have a chat with them. They might be able to give you some practical help or advise you of something that may help. HTH's

I have no idea what you went through or how you survived it. You've been incredibly brave. Now you need to get some help to heal, are you talking to anyone? A counsellor?

Well done you for speaking up. It was incredibly brave. But it does sound like you have been left with a bit of PTSD or similar so I suggest you talk to a GP and get some counselling.

I'm on waiting lists for counselling. It's just how do I go on day to day while I wait? Is it normal to feel like this?

Did you have support from Rape Crisis at the time you reported to the police? I’m not sure if that’s who you are waiting for counselling from but I would really recommend working with a therapist who is experienced in supporting survivors of sexual violence, as well as the lasting effects of trauma.

@TheWildRumpyPumpus yes, I had an ISVA. They have been amazing. That is who I am on the waiting list with

I wonder if joining some survivors groups or forums would help OP? Being around/talking to people who properly understand, particularly the long term effects and feelings raked up by the trial, might give you the outlet you need? I'm no expert, it was just a thought

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately I do know how you are feeling. I was also sexually abused as a child. I reported them to the police 6 years ago, but the CPS decided not to prosecute. I've found this really hard.

I am now back in counselling for a second time with a clinical psychologist who specialises in sexual abuse/trauma. I'm feeling pretty much the same as you are. I'm no longer able to work, in fact I'm barely functioning and also wonder what's the point of carrying on.

I'm not sure what to say to you other than you are not on your own, and please try and focus on surviving for your husband and children for the time being. I know how awful it is just waiting for the counselling to start. I phoned a couple of times whilst I was waiting and said I would take a last minute cancellation, which I was able to get within a couple of weeks.

@ILoveMyCaravan I'm so sorry the CPS let you down. We were let down by a jury. He was found not guilty on some counts and a hung jury on the rest at a first trial. We had to go to retrial on the remaining charges they couldn't agree on. At the second trial he was found guilty on every count. But he literally got away with the other charges. And that bastard raped me and wasn't charged with it as my memories weren't clear enough. He was found guilty of every thing he did to me but in relation to someone else. If it wasn't for the other victims he would have been out in a couple of years.

I am glad you are getting counselling soon and would second NAPAC.

For the time being, be gentle to yourself. Aim for least harm. If you slip up with food, try not to beat yourself up; you are trying to cope best you can. It's okay. You will work through this and come out so much happier the other side.

I have the opposite issue, I have anorexia. And it felt so much less pressure when my therapist said, I'm not going to freak out or punish you over your weight when it is a symptom. We addressed the abuse and trauma. My weight went up, my eating improved. I'm still in therapy, I'm not cured yet, but every core memory we rework, I care a little less about food and a little more about life. Forcing myself to hold all the emotion and be perfectly healthy would have been impossible! I had to learn to cope first.

Just be super gentle, that small child you were deserves comfort, not punishment for not coping the right way when you don't have the skills. Learn some grounding techniques and be patient with yourself.

I've just ordered this for while I am waiting www.oneinfour.org.uk/the-warrior-within/