What do you do when you can’t see a way that works for you?

[moonfacebaby]

Excuse any mistakes on this post, I’m a little tipsy as it’s the only way I’d have the guts to post this.

I’m depressed. I have been for over a year but now it’s escalating. I can feel it (I’ve been here before).

Every time I try to do something to sort myself out, I hit an obstacle and I don’t have the strength to keep picking myself up. An example - I decided to start the new year by exercising and eating properly. I needed it after Christmas excess and just general winter neglect.

It was going so well - I had more energy, I started to feel good and most importantly, I started to find me again. Then I got ill - I’m in the process of seeing if I have psoriatic arthritis and my joints were aching, I had no energy and then got inflammation in my ribs.

I’m physically better now but I’m a mess emotionally. I’m tearful, sad and negative. I’m eating too much. My motivation is totally fucked. Unusually for me, I can’t be arsed to wash my hair, I hate everything I wear, don’t really want to leave the house and whilst I’m eating more, I seem to have no pleasure in it. Oh and I’ve gone off sex.

I can’t see a viable way out. I’ve taken anti-depressants before (citalopram), and whilst they worked, I hated the weight gain and I could not orgasm at all. I felt so numb - which was helpful in many ways, but a bit bland? I don’t know if that’s right, but that’s as close as I can get to describing the feeling.

I just feel like life is an enormous bag of shit. The last seven years has been hard - I’m talking soap-opera bad. It’s been one shit thing after another and factor in an ExH who is a mindfuck, I’ve lost my faith in life.

I’ve had counselling. I seem to go round in circles.

I’m aware that my life is theoretically ok - there are no hardships (nice home, job, kids, etc).

I can’t pull myself out. All I can see is a lifetime of mental struggle. I can’t see any point to it all? It’s become too much effort for very little return.

How can I get out of this? I logically know the answers and I know it’s about small steps - but what do you do when you feel like you can’t even do that? Or if you manage to do it, it’s like your wading through treacle, or you feel like you’re performing, and no-one really knows how much you are hurting inside?

I’m sorry if this all seems self-indulgent, or I’ve waffled...I’m such a private person, and this is very hard for me to admit..

Things only shifted for me when I stopped trying to “fix” myself and started being myself.
I was treating myself as a diy project instead of a person.
I thought if I could do a bit more of this and a bit less of that and change this bit and lose that but I’d be ok.
And like you I’d exercise and injure myself; diet and discover an allergy etc etc

I thought if I could take a metaphorical scalpel and cut out my anxiety and depression I’d be ok. But I’ve realised that my anxiety is part of my sensitivity and intuition. I’ve slowly learned to give it a space and find a balance in myself.

Working towards self acceptance is hard. I practice metta meditation and mindfulness. And I just try, everyday to be kind, to myself and everyone else...and to still be kind to myself when I’m not doing so great.

I tried a different anti depressant.
I accepted that I couldn’t achieve every goal. I can’t lose the weight right now but I can keep active and try and declutter the house. Sounds small but I’m taking it as a win.
I admit I’m not perfecf but refuse to beat myself up for things I can’t do. (Also have pain issues too.)
Get outside. I have a dog so I have no choice!
Knock the drink on the head. It’s a depressant.
Small changes. Little steps.

Your mind is overwhelming you and there are no gaps in the onslaught of negative thoughts you are experiencing.
I would suggest mindful meditation. A meditation that allows you to see the mind and that you are mindful of the mind and how it is bullying you. Then you can make a choice to ignore it and do what you know you need to do
And as other PP said. Cut out the drink. It will not help.

Take small steps.

Try a breathing meditation first. In through the nose for 5 seconds and then out the mouth for 8/9/10 seconds. Exhale more than you inhale. Push your stomach out as you breath in. Difficult at first, but it can be done.
Just try it for a while. If anything it will give you a reat from your mind.
HTH's

How about restorative yoga? It's a nice self care thing to do that makes you feel more balanced and connected with yourself. Sure it's not cardio but it does help if in recovery from stress. I also find booking something makes me go and do it, a class. Just suggestions. Also know the shit feelings will pass. Next time you feel better grab it and do something.