Think I have PND, want to fight it myself

[yesmynameisigglepiggle]

I just don't know.
I cry most days. Before DS3 I hadn't cried for years. Mostly I cry when DH leaves for work at 7am.
I have DD (6), DS (5), DS (3.6) and DS is 9 months now. I just feel so alnoe and overwhelmed. Life feels so tough, I have so much to do and no help.
Just feel exhausted and sad and resentful, irritable, horrible.
I am wasting away as I have that sick feeling in my stomach a lot of the time. I shake a lot and am scared of going out as I will say something to upset someone and then feel worse and regret it.
I have nothing left for DH when he comes in at 7pm and he thinks I want space because I don't like him.

Don't know if this is how it's supposed to be. Don't know if I am being soft.

They are great kids. I cry even at how wonderful they are. I just feel I am not good enough for them.

Self-indulgence aside, what can I do? I can't admit my feelings to my best friend or DH. I am a tough person.

I exercise, try and eat properly. don't drink or smoke. What else? I don't want medication. Thanks for letting me tell you all

How you're feeling sounds very familiar . It's so good you're telling us.

Can I ask why you don't want medication? Because it made such a difference to me when I had PND -- it helped me to get my life back quicker. I hate to think how much longer it would have taken without meds.

Please tell your GP/HV. Once I'd accepted that I was ill and talked to people (MN, GPs, HV, DH, my parents), some of the awfulness started to ebb away. That was the first step.

(Great name, btw.)

Poor you
Look you do sound as if you have pnd. Why don't you want to take some medication? it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. if you had any other ailment needing medication, eg AB's you'd take them wouldn't you?
I'm currently taking a tiny dose of liquid prozac as I couldn't cope with a whole tablet. It's been just enough to lift me up without overwhelming me.
You sound as if you are doing all the right thigs to help yourself but honestly, if you're becoming seriously low, and it sounds that way then it is better for you and your family that you consider taking medicine that will help.
best of luck xx

Thankyou myeye. I have a kidney problem so really want to avoid any medication if I can. Sorry i didn't say this before, I hope it didn't sound like I was condemning AD's

I just can't admit this to anyone I know. All my children were planned and wanted, I chose to have them and now I can't cope with it. I feel so stupid and such a failure

And I am too scared to even visit the doctor because i become a quivering wreck

oh honey you do have alot to cope with no wonder you feel so low.

Go talk to your gp and don't discount the idea of medication all together. I did and all that happened was I felt so awfull for a year when I could have been enjoying my life.

I took ad's for 10 months and stopped taking them about a month ago. I feel great now so there is hope.

Not saying you can't do it without ad's people do but atleast consider it as an option.

sorry crossed posts about your kidney problem

still go to your gp though, look at all the options

As I posted just this evening on another thread - I tried to go it alone with PND and it has taken 5 years and 2 more babies - don't actually know what made the difference - to become 'normal' I wouldn't recommend ignoring it , it doesn't just go away and you live under a black cloiud for a long time. Life doesn't have to be that way, neither you ,nor your DC deserve it. There are some alternative therapies such as CBT you could try- but don't try to weather it out alone. I nearly lost DH and I would have understood if he had gone - don't risk it. Good luck.

Are there really no ADs that you can take with your kidney condition?
Make the appt with the Gp, you don't have to speak, just print out this thread and hand it over.
Honestly, they are SO used to it, PND happens to all sorts of women -- there's no shame in it, no shame at all

it has nothing to do with how loved/planned you children are. You aren't a failure/bad mother because you feel rough. You have an illness which affects many, many new mums.
In my case I have always found that exhaustion after having a new baby has been the trigger. Too many nights of disturbed sleep and no rest during the day, it's an awful thing to experience.

yesmynameisigglepiggle

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It really echoes with my own recent experiences and I urge you to make the first step towards getting better - admitting to someone (on here helps ) that you need help. It is not a sign of weakness, but involves incredible courage.

My doctor has been key in helping me to realise that depression is like any other illness. If you broke a limb you wouldn't question that setting it in plaster wasn't the right thing to do, you wouldn't try and heal it yourself. Depression is an illness and I believe that the right combination of medication (check with your doctor to see if it is possible to take, given your medical history) and counselling works wonders.

I'm well on the way to feeling "normal" again even though a few months ago I could imagine nothing but blankness, anxiety and a weird feeling that this just wasn't "me". I too think of myself as being pretty tough and resilient. Sometimes you have to let all of that slip in order to make yourself better. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Thanks. You are so right. It is not fair on DH or the children. Maybe try GP, am scared though. But thankyou

It is scary.

And please don't think of this not being fair on dh, the kids. What about you? You are very important to them and they need you to be well, even if that means handing over some of the control you currently have over day-to-day stuff. My doctor had a very long chat with my dh over the phone about what was needed to get me better, for which I was very grateful.

It will help, honestly, it is the first step.
Please keep posting here?

Just wanted to echo other sensible posters and say please go and see your GP.

You are not self indulgent or a bad parent = these thoughts are part of your illness.

Your post sounds as if you haven't talked to your DH - I think you should tell him how you feel. When I had PND I didn't explain anything to my dh for months - he thought the relationship was on the rocks - things got much better when I explained to him.

There are alternatives to ADs - although they have worked miracles for me - so if your kidney problem precludes you taking them, you should explore these with your dr.

I am so for you - but it will get better.

Yesmynameisigglepiggle please do go to the gp. It's hard, but don't worry if you do cry (I did buckets and all I said was "I feel low"). But it is so much better after that little step. Also do let your dh help you, if you don't wish to you don't have to tell anyone else. But gp and dh really does help.
You're not soft, or weak I promise you (i hated myself for feeling so crap, and couldn't admit it for a year). I also didn't use medication for other reasons, but a couple of therapy sessions really helped.
Take care, and keep posting, plenty of us have been through it.

when i went to the GP this time I remember sitting in a chair infront of her, she smiled at me and i just cried and cried. It felt good to ask for help and to know that they were looking out for me.

Awww youy are a great mum a fabby perdon just havining a bit of tough time...sorry to hear bout your distress...please dont dny yourself legitimate treatment options of prescribed medication - if u had asmatha would u deny yourself inhalers - of course not!!!

it is robustly tested has clinical efficacy, but more than than it will help. of course no medication is substitute for taking care, eating well (as u do), and giving yourself permission to acknowledge profoundly deep sentiments and experience's

Just remember you are a funny, great,fabby,intelligent woman - its just been a tough time but that what u are and i hope things improve

go see your GP - acknowledge you need support

Thankyou all for your supportive messages, it feels great to have some understanding ears. DH is wonderful but much as he tries I don't think he can understand how I feel a lot of the time. Apart from shattered I don't feel too bad today, DH has been around and I always feel better when he is here. That's the problem, he is my crutch, I want to run after him when he goes to work. (or more like shout 'come back and help me!')

I sat for hours drawing pictures with DS2 which was something I haven't done for a while. It was so lovely.

Good to hear positive stories of how GP has helped too. I will have to make an apptmnt before the school holidays set in and I lose the plot completely

Nothing to add that has not been said but sending you hugs if you do them.

Take care,Wrinkly

My god, your children are so young and close together - you must be shattered. And your dh is out 12 hours a day. Blimey, it sounds really, really hard to me. Talk to your dh and your friend. Have a big glass of wine and just tell them. Confidences build intimacy. Nobody will think worse of you. That's your depression talking there - ditto the bit about being afraid to go out because you say something to upset someone.
If you exercise, take fish oils, go to bed early etc and still feel like this, then you need more. Maybe more help with the children - more childcare, an au pair, maybe a job, maybe time out to pursue an interest just for yourself. Get your dh to take the kids himself for one day at the weekend or half a day so you have some time to yourself. What would you really like to happen?
And taking medication is not a sign of any kind of failure.

I exercise and take fish oils. For ages I felt fine in my own bubble at home but when it comes to having to deal with normal things (like talking to a teacher about one of the DC's) or speaking to someone new) I can't trust myself!

I was reading a bit of a book about how in the past women were just handed valium if they went to the doctor saying they couldn't cope, but nowadays women can empower themselves and help themselves.

Another reason I am hesitant to take medication is that I don't think it will makemy life less stressful (will it help me cope with symptoms of stress, or make me more confident trying to speak to people?) I know it won't make me feel less like howling when they all want me at once and my baby has just started to crawl and put everything in his mouth.

That's another thing, I am terrified that i won't be able to keep him safe because i can't watch him all the time

btw, I even feel like I am saying the wrong thing here so sorry if I have upset anyone

I suffered badly from anxiety, that was a big part of my PND. Normal day-to-day stuff became very daunting, and I lost confidence when talking to people (even good friends). The ADs helped me through this, they dampened down the anxiety.
I still freak when the DCs are squabbling, I can't stand that feeling, but I do manage it better. It's no longer the end of the world.
Worrying about not being able to keep your son safe is also a key part of the illness, I think.
So pleased you're going to see the GP. I found it comforting to be told 'this is all textbook', so that is what I say to you.

xx

IMO if you are on the right medication for you, it will help you feel more confident, less anxious, and less harassed by your dc's demands on you. ADs treat depression and anxiety too. They will def help you deal with stress better. and they will most definitely make you feel less like howling!

When I went to my GP with pnd I was dreading the appt. In the end I hardly said anything, I just cried and cried. She understood straight away and told me how common it was, and it was SUCH a relief.

Don't struggle alone with this any more.
Best of luck.

sweetheart - you are experiencing classic anxiety symptoms of pnd look on websites or find a leaflet and you will recognise all of the behaviours I am on my second bout of pnd (child no4) ..I had issues with "not coping" but have told myself that i am not coping because I am not able to function - why not write a note to your husband or a trusted friend 2nd time around I have been quite open people have been able to help and lots of other pnd-ers have come out of the closet one of my best friends and I have just admitted to each other that we are currently suffering again..you shoud consider ads - your illness will affect too many precious people - I am not a pill popper but went down this route to stop me screaming/crying/ getting hysterical with my children no regrets there is no need to feel this way also pnd is a pretty long drawn out experience at least 18 months in my case -- give yourself a break

I think you need some help to get you through this and give you some space to work out other ways to reduce stress in your life. The way you speak about worrying about harming your child, and inadvertently upsetting people by speaking to them makes me think you should really see your doctor. It's not fair on you or anyone that you are so miserable. You deserve to feel better.