Narcissism or anxiety?

[Rotisaba]

Hello!
What do you think, how to be sure whether a person is a narcissist (more precisely - a covert/introverted narcissist) or is really struggling with social anxiety, a bit of depression and general low self-esteem?

My boyfriend of 2 years gives me mixed signals with his behavior. However, as I am rather insecure myself, I have had counseling therapy because of a mild depression and social anxiety - I tend to believe he is struggling with such things (as he now finally is willing to admit and find help - after I told him I want to break up).
On the other hand, I have read myself crazy about narcissism and he ticks several boxes of covert/introvert narcissist. However, I have not noticed anything controlling from his behaviour except:

1. being clingy (wants to spend all the time with me and was very sad or passive-agressive if I wanted to be alone or see my friends or so - however, he never forbid me to go, he just managed to make me feel guilty by expressing his sadness - this has improved greatly, however, and he now admits that he was just so scared I do not care about him, he had hard time believing that if I had other things to do I would still love him and he says that he understands that he needs to find activities to do on his own so fe won't feel bored and won't smother me)
2. procrastinating - I ask him to do something, he say yes, but then does not do it (forgets etc); he now claims that he just sometimes is scared he cannot deliver what he has promised (like DIY projects at home), but he really wants to do it, and then he starts procrastinating and finding excuses in himself.

He has rather negative view on life, tends to criticize other people and the world (but not me), seems to think he is better than the world let's him show. He is more open in one-on-one interactions, feels rather uncomfortable when there are a lot of people around him. He was bullied at school (I do not know how much, the exact details and whether he is telling the truth or not). He has admitted he feels he is nothing worth, because his career has not succeeded as fast as he would have liked, all of his friends that he used to hang out with have wives-children and do not have time for him (and live outside his city as well), his brothers are very successful and rather rich (as opposed to him), all of his previous girlfriends have broke up with him etc.

However, he is very smart, knows a lot of stuff, is a great cook and enjoys cooking, is very confident in things he knows he is good at. He has not love-bombed me - he took it very slowly (he wanted to see me all the time yes, but the kissing part took several weeks and we had sex like three months after starting dating, he also had performance problems several times, it took as another two months to finally enjoy it - now he is very confident and very good in bed). He told me I'm the best girl like two months in, confessed his love six months in. Seems rather normal.

If I had not read about narcissism I would be convinced he has anxiety, mild depression etc. BUT I have read so much about narcissism and now I cannot stop thinking that MAYBE he is narcissist and maybe I should run as fast as I cam because maybe he could be dangerous to me... I just can't get out of my head the idea that maybe he is bad for me.

I know that I can think myself crazy about things and overanalyse things and even beleive some of my dreams to some extent (I was convinced nearly a year that my boss was covertly in love with me, because I really fancied him and read all the signs so that "he must love me!" - of course nothing happened between us, we never even discussed it, I just got over it and he behaves the same way as always and I understand ofcourse that he never loved me).

Are you scared of him?

Let's say you somehow manage to "diagnose" him (which you won't be able to) - what then ? All that really matters is how does he make you feel about yourself. Is he a positive force in your life, are you relaxed and able to be yourself when you're with him?

Meant to add that it all sounds terribly complicated and hard work. If you're worried that somebody is a narcissist, whether they are or not, they obviously have a lot of negative personality traits that you find hard to deal with.

No, I'm not scared. I feel very safe actually. He takes care of me all the time - for example, I have a lot of headaches and back pains , he always helps me and supports me. He is very good at finding a way in cities and in forest - I suck at it - he always holds my hand, guides me etc. He would drop his work if I needed help. He has basically never raised his voice at me or shown any signs of physical violence. He gets irritated some times at stuff (e.g. computer being too slow or so), but I guess it's normal. But the thought of possible worst case scenarios is driving me crazy when I'm not with him - maybe he has just very good self-control and I am a good "supply" to him, so he can "act" this way.

I think I'm really overreacting. But reading so much about narcissism, I just got so confused. Normally I can think straight. But now I feel so paranoid.
It could be that as I have been single basically all my life (well I have had very short relationships, mostly dating) and lived alone (I'm 30), it is very difficult to adjust with being in a relationship. And as he is probably just insecure and thus suffocating towards me, it was very difficult for me to adjust. We have openly talked and acknowledged that both of us have insecurities and we must talk them through etc. He is ready to go to counselling, he tries to find himself a hobby, he tries to connect with old friends and seek activities to do on his own.

However, I keep wondering - why the heck was he not willing to do all of those things previously, when I pointed these things out. Perhaps he just promises all these things, does all these things only temporarily and then fall back in his suffocating routine.
I really like his good traits, I think these are hard to find in men, and thus I really hope we can make it work. If only my fear of he being narcissist and potentially dangerous would not hold me back...

Narcissism is Mumsnet's favourite armchair diagnosis. In reality very few people would meet the diagnostic criteria.

Do what feels right for you. Don't get hung up on other people playing amateur psychiatrist.

He doesn't sound narcissistic. Just maybe introvert and maybe perfectionist so he is frightened to start things on case he messes it up.

As you say, nobody is perfect - you can support each other to overcome anxieties.

Thanks for reassuring I'm probably overreacting! I'll see how it goes from now on. We had an open talk yesterday. We have made some plans how to understand each other better. I hope he gets his counselling appointment soon. I'll try to focus on myself more. And so on. Thanks!

IME you don't feel safe around narcissists.
Maybe both of you could do more counselling, sounds like it might help?

Narcissistic traits can be on a sliding scale, many of the traits is which we may all tick to varying degrees. Perhaps you aren't happy in the relationship so are looking for ways to diagnose what is going on which can make you feel you have more control of it, or maybe you can just ask him how he's feeling and discuss your concerns.