DD - 8 - says she is depressed. Very worried. Has anyone else been through this?

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My DD, who is 8, has suddenly started saying she thinks she is depressed and has been weepy and tantrum-prone. It hasn't exactly come out of nowhere but she has generally been a pretty solid and happy soul. I'm obviously very worried but trying not to over-react.

Things which could potentially be relevant:

a) her dad and I separated 3 years ago and we're getting divorced -- he was abusive to me, a heavy drinker and generally refused to participate in family life so I have no regrets at all about the separation and am much happier out of the marriage. Generally speaking she appeared to react reasonably well to the split and up until now seems to have taken it in her stride. She has just recently started saying she wishes she had a bigger family and that her parents still live together. Her dad is present in her life but he is peripatetic and flaky and prone to not keeping arrangements. She has never witnessed direct abuse of me but he has a bad habit of discussing things he shouldn't in front of her, such as the divorce. His mental health is not good, he has previously threatened suicide etc

b) she was recently having some problems at school with a boy in her class who was picking on her. It stopped just short of bullying but was unpleasant and she felt victimised. I have been in to talk to the teacher and it seems to have abated somewhat but its still in the background.

c) I work very very long hours and she is in childcare a lot. There's nothing I can do about this so I try not to feel guilty about this but obviously its worth considering if its a factor. And before anyone asks I can't downsize or reduce my hours.

On the one hand I am trying not to jump to the worst conclusion and don't want to medicalise this if I don't have to. A friend who I have talked to suggested that DD probably doesn't really know what "depression" means and is just picking it up from somewhere. I think it is possible that she is catastrophising.

On the other hand I obviously can't ignore this and want to know how best to manage it. It breaks my heart to think that my beautiful, strong and robust DD is unhappy. I've talked to her about it in detail, several times, and promised to do what I can to help. She's not able to be very specific about what exactly is causing it and often gives different answers to this question when asked. She has said that she feels an underlying unhappiness even when she's superficially happy. She has access to social media either, so I don't think she's been on any of those awful websites.

I'm prepared to take her to the GP and go for counselling with her if needed but before I do so I wonder if anyone has experienced similar with girls of this age and whether it may be something which will disappear on its own?

It’s a tricky age as they start to move into the tweens although still very young.

Have you spoken to her school and after school club/carer? I’d most likely confide in them at the first instance and ask their opinion.

CheekyFucker thanks: I spoke to her teacher about this obliquely in relation to the boy who was picking on her -- I mentioned that my DD sometimes thinks she has difficulty controlling anger, which is something she had mentioned to me in relation to this situation. The teacher said she hasn't observed this at all at school and seemed quite surprised.

I think I will speak to her again and ask her to keep an eye on it.

I’d speak to her again and also to your upside school carers and let them know you have some concerns.

I know which awful websites you refer to, your post isn’t clear on whether your DD has access to social media or not?

It’s a mad world out there, I wouldn’t want to be an 8 year old these days

Sorry, to clarify, she does not have access to social media.

OP I've worked in child mental health and I'm sorry to say that I'd take your DD's concerns very seriously. From what you've posted there are a number of what would be assessed as risk factors for an 8 year old's mental health, and although it can be a fine line between seeking support and facing stigma, I would urge you to explain your concerns to your GP and ask for a referral. If your DD's primary school has any form of mental health provision for children, eg. Place2Be or similar, ask them to assess her for support. She's still young enough to benefit from a course of play therapy.

Without wishing to sound critical, your friend's opinion is unhelpful. 8 year old girls are able to identify depressive feelings and anxiety within themselves, and given factors like the separation, your husband's own mental health issues and unreliability, your regular work commitments, the bullying and her fantasies about belonging to a bigger family, I would certainly expect her to be experiencing a cumulative impact on her self-esteem and her mood. I apologise if that all sounds very damning, it really isn't meant to. It's just to give you an idea of what a professional in the field would identify as markers of potential concern. And if anything, you've been alerted in good time to find her some helpful interventions before the impact goes deeper.

It's so obvious from your post that you care for her deeply and are determined to take her seriously and do what you can to support her. Keep encouraging her to name feelings, or to identify possible causes, because sadly most kids her age do find it difficult to pinpoint and articulate specific causes without repeated help. Nevertheless, she clearly feels able to open up to you and let you know that something's not right, and that'll be priceless in the long run. All you need to do while you wait for support is to keep listening and remain open to the possibility that she understands enough about herself to know that something's preying on her feelings. You'll grow through this together.

I’d say it’s very positive she has been able to identify and talk about those feelings and open up to you. It sounds like she would benefit from being able to talk some more to a professional who could help her process her emotions, she has already dealt with some difficult situations (divorce, absent father, bullying) and it takes time and support to deal with the feelings that arise

reenchantment thank you I really appreciate this. It's not easy to hear but good that someone has identified that I need to take this seriously.

I'll mention it to her teacher when she's back from half term as well.

Do you think the best first step would be for me to see a GP on her behalf alone? Or should I take her to the GP?

I asked her today when she was back from her playscheme if she was still feeling depressed and how she felt generally and she said she felt much better and I didn't want to push it -- but I do want to be proactive about it and deal with it early.

Thanks for your help.

AbitLost yes I think she would benefit from some support. I've been expecting there to be some reaction to my separation from her dad from some time and have been shocked, up until now, by how well she has seemed to process it. I knew there was a possibility that there would be a reaction some way down the line and perhaps this is it.

It's always been a difficult call, for me, how much to open up to her about the reasons the marriage broke down as well. I've gone out of my way to keep things as cordial as possible for her sake and have a hard rule against bad-mouthing him to her but its got to the point where I feel I am sometimes misleading her with this as his behaviour to her is sometimes poor enough I feel it warrants an explanation.

For example he told her recently he didn't feel able to see her again - something which he reversed within 24 hours. I knew that this was designed to punish me, as opposed to anything he actually meant seriously (he was using this as leverage in the divorce), and after it happened I explained to her that dad sometimes didn't feel very good about himself and sometimes it came out in ways like that. I made it clear that his behaviour was wrong but stopped short of saying he was a bad person and said he loved her very much (which he does). I sometimes wonder if she is now old enough to be made aware that he has done some very bad things to me, but am unclear whether it would be helpful or not.

OP, so glad to hear that your DD is feeling somewhat better in herself today. Is she on half term? That in itself might be a factor in her improved mood, but checking in with her feelings every day (when it feels natural to do so) is a really supportive practice and does you immense credit.

At some point this week, try asking her what she thinks she'd prefer, re: approaching your GP. Tell her you can go alone and explain to the GP what DD has told you about herself, or you can go together and she can be there to hear what's discussed and say something if she feels she wants to, or just answer questions if the GP asks her any. But stress most of all that there's no pressure either way, and she's free to choose (even up to the last minute).

The decision to tell her about her father's actions towards you is definitely a tricky one. As I see it, on the one hand it's perfectly possible that over time she has picked up on more than you realise, and one possible outcome of that is her not knowing what's true and what she might've imagined or misunderstood. That can be very confusing for her and may be a contributing factor in how she feels. On the other hand, you probably can't know for sure what she has and hasn't picked up on, and there's a risk that sharing information like that with her overloads her and sets up anxieties about your emotional needs (that she might try to compensate for, in an effort to protect you). It could also paint a picture of her father that she's not yet ready to see. I sense you understand that anyway, hence your uncertainty. My preference would be to keep the focus on identifying her support needs for the time being, and after she's had some therapeutic input you can then try to gauge how much of her robustness she has regained and see what feels manageable for her, in terms of giving her that fuller picture of what the relationship with her dad has really been like for you. I understand you wanting to give her the benefit of your perspective on him, because there's a danger that she'll conclude he's only as awful as he is with her and not others. But for now you can help her to avoid reaching that conclusion by letting her know that you can see his faults as they manifest in his relationship with her. Just witness them with and for her, and let her know that when he upsets or disappoints or confuses her, it's not her fault but his, and is unacceptable - he's the grown up and she's right to notice that he can be rubbish. Encourage her to describe to you how his crapness makes her feel, and verbalise that back to her, so that she feels confirmed (ie. sane!) in her appraisal of his behaviour. As heartbreaking as it must be for you at times to notice the disappointment and frustration and sadness she must feel, it can be very much ameliorated by your capacity to stand alongside her in acknowledgement, until she's in a stronger place and can handle more of the wider truth of how he was as a husband.

reenchantment thank you, your advice is very welcome. She is on half term though unfortunately I am working for most of it but have been able to work slightly shorter days so have spent more time with her.

I'll ask her tomorrow about going to see the GP and take it from there. She tends to flip flop quite a bit she seemed totally fine and without a care in the world today and I don't want to force her to go if she isn't ready but I will make clear that there's a door open for her to talk to someone if she wants to.

Thanks all, you've been very helpful.

You sound very kind and caring. I think it’s fantastic you try and keep not talk badly of him. You can still mention when his actions are not good. Whatever the motives and whether intentionally or unintentionally if he says something hurtful this can be pointed out. She should know it’s not ok, it helps her create boundaries to look after herself.