If I report abuse from years ago...

[Dumbledorker]

Will it be taken seriously?
I was 17 and although I know I didn't understand at the time I do believe I was groomed, raped and emotionally abused into a relationship that I couldn't escape.
I cant remember specifically how long it went on for but I think about 2 years although i had passes made at me from being about 14 years old.
I was told if I mentioned to anyone about the abuse that he would end his life, leaving a letter behind that would blame me and I would have my baby taken into care and I would be sent to prison for manslaughter. He told me the definition of manslaughter is where you force someone to commit suicide.
I felt i had no escape and so i gave in to the charade of living as a couple although I felt sickly repulsed by him every second of every day I believed at the time that was my life forever since everyone knew about us and it was perceived as an affair.
The man was 15 years older than me. Married with kids. Highly respected in his community because of his profession.
He told me if I ever reported him I would never be believed because he had friends in the police force and they were in his words "bent" meaning they would side with him even if it meant lying.
He also said that I wouldn't be believed because there are photos of us that were taken and I'm 'smiling' on them. Although at the time I remember feeling sick smiling and keeping up the happy perception.
I did try leave and end it on occasion and each time he tried to commit suicide. Although he always did it when he knew people were there to rescue him.
I'm worried if I go ahead and report what happened that it will end up in a lengthy case where I am made to be out to be a liar or not enough evidence.
It's making me feel sick and i cant think of anything else some days.
Someone who I haven't seen for years asked me if it was true that i had had an affair with this man when i was younger and i hate that he has got away with what hes done with him left with a history of once having a young girl on his arm when the reality is very much different. I'm so scared of going forward with this.

Yes it will be taken seriously but there does need to be evidence. Do you have messages or letters saying it? Did you tell anyone at all?
Of course more people may come to light with similar stories that could be another way.
Sounds awful. I’m so sorry.

Lots of people know. Some of who I have confided in and who were there for me while it was happening and are still there for me now. Others who know about it and perceive it to be just an affair and who I worry will think I'm concocting a story of abuse and rape to escape my name being dragged through the mud. It happened 14 years ago so there are no letters or texts etc.
We went away on a holiday with friends of his and 3 days in I was subjected to the worst rape incident. I packed my things and headed to a lady associated with the hotel resort. She helped me onto a coach to the airport with my then 15 month old. When I got there i went to a desk and asked for the cheapest ticket back to the UK. I was 18 at the time. I made my way back here, my child was starving as I had no money for food. I then got a train back home and reported it to the police after a few weeks. I had rung him purposely to record the conversation once her got home, I asked him on the phone "why did you do it why did you do it when i said no, you raped me" ... I had the conversation recorded and showed the two Male rape officers that came out to see me and they dismissed it saying I could only report him if I returned to the country where it happened. That's when I realised that what he said must be true about him knowing officers in the police force and so I'm terrified he was right. Even going on holiday with him would prove me to be having an affair surely ?

It will be taken seriously regardless of what evidence there is. The police will believe you.
Whether the man ends up being charged or convicted in court depends on the evidence there is. One word against another is not enough.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this and what you were told by those police officers is wrong. The police here should take details for overseas crime and liaise with the other force.
Do you have support in real life? If you feel strong enough to, seriously consider reporting this vile excuse for a man. He should not be allowed to get away with it. There may be others who suffered too.

I have support and friends who I know will be with me all the way. I'm starting councilling soon too. I'm just scared of what will come of it all. I'm scared the case will be made public and that's what terrifies me. I'm scared that he will actually commit suicide and although wether it's my fault or not I just know I will blame myself and let it haunt me for the rest of my life. I often think if it was my fault or not and could I have done more to stop it. This is how I am at war with myself daily when I think about it and then I forget about reporting it again for ages because its exhausting just having it go around in my mind. My child is 13 now and has found out what has happened which I'm devastated by. I didn't want my child to know that this us what happened to their mum. At least until they were old enough to process it and understand but I'd rather they were to never find out at all. It's such a mess.

Maybe talk to a solicitor who can reassure you about the process. You owe it to yourself to see this monster put away.

Police will take seriously.

If your report does not result in a prosecution or a conviction, this does not mean that the law doesn’t believe you, but that they can’t prove it beyond reasonable doubt. 💐

You will have choices along the way about how to proceed. Be prepared for it to be slow and painful. And intrusive. Get support in place. I’m sorry he did this.

Thank you for your kind words. Im still at a loss as to what to do from here. There is always a nagging thought in my head constantly telling me that it's all my fault and I am to blame but then I know that it wasn't right what he did. I just wish so much I could go back and shake myself by the shoulders and shout in her face that she has to leave him.

You weren’t to blame. Get your counselling sorted and see how you go. There’s no rush to do anything

This is clearly weighing heavily on you so I hope counselling can help you navigate the best way to put this behind you, whether you report or not.

It may help now to write down a detailed factual account of everything you can remember, recording specific incidents with dates, places, names of others present who could corroborate any events etc. The very process of doing this may help clarify things in your own mind. It would also be your starting point of evidence if and when you do decide to report it.

Don't believe what he said about bent police; if you report allegations of historic abuse they will be recorded and taken seriously. But as said upthread you'll need to provide a factual account as the basis for any investigation. No guarantee it would lead to court or conviction. But for all you know it may form part of a jigsaw if he turns out to have a history of similar behaviour towards other women.

Try not to worry over the suicide threats - he's responsible for his own actions, not you. Classic manipulation to buy your silence.

I can understand your frustration at how he's manipulated things as they appear to others. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

This sounds dreadful for you.

When do you start counselling? I ask because having a structured support might be helpful for you in thinking through how to proceed.

Ds isn't this man's son is he, from what you've said?