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How to support dp with severe depression

9 replies

nc555666666 · 09/02/2019 21:53

My dp has been diagnosed with depression anxiety and ptsd. He's having treatment but it's very early days.
Please can anyone give any advice no matter how small on how to support him. What is useful, what isn't helpful? I feel helpless Sad

OP posts:
OneStepMoreFun · 09/02/2019 22:07

You are lovely to post here.
Recognise that depression is a very phsycial illness. Peole relaly can;t get out of bed sometimes, It's like yoru body is made of lead, and the messages the brain is supposed to send to the body to say: sit up, put your feet on the floor, stand up etc just aren't firing.

But, having said that, I'd encourage him to take care of himself physically. Very gently tell him he doesn't have to want to have a bath/get some fresh air/put on clean clothes but he does need to do it anyway because it will help him recover.

Make sure he has a really good diet. Plenty of fresh foods - lots of veg, fruit and nuts.

Get him exercising if he's up for it. Fresh air and nature are good.
If he resists, tell him he doesn't need to feel better during or after the walk - it' snot pressure to get well quickly, but it is a really important part of the process.

Help him access outside help: online CBT, PTSD counselling etc.

Finally - and i mean this seriously - really take brilliant care of yourself. You need a life. See friends, go for walks, watch comedies, make plans, have a weekend break or a holiday, with or without him. If he thinks you're ignoring him or moving on from him, just gently explain you;re not, but this is how normal, healthy life works and you need to live that way so you don't get caught in the spiral. It is very easy for carers of the depressed to get depressed too. It's very draining.

jua890 · 09/02/2019 22:11

can you find something little to do to look forward to together? something that might lift his spirits just a bit? a short break, tickets to something he really wants to go to, book into a spa for a day or something? anything to break up the usual routine if he's up for it. little things often help although I know it's hard to find motivation, but if it's something he usually enjoys or really loves it might help. also I always find deep cleaning then changing a room around often helps me feel better. Somehow it changes the vibe in the room to be more uplifting and the different layout can help me feel that things are going to be different / better from now on. I know if he's depressed he might not be into helping or whatever but sometimes changing our physical environments can make a real difference to how things feel.

nc555666666 · 09/02/2019 22:26

I really appreciated your responses @OneStepMoreFun @jua890 thank you.
Yes I think diet is a really important part we can improve. Im also a believer in getting outside and moving a bit so to suggest in that way is a good idea! I have noticed that I've declined all invites recently to make sure I'm here so I'll make sure I make time for myself.
You've given me a really good idea of something I can do regularly which I know he will like. Changing things round sounds good to me too and he really is trying to help himself so he would get involved!
Thank you both so much!

OP posts:
HappyGirl86 · 09/02/2019 22:32

You sound like a lovely supportive partner and just having someone around you like that really does help even if it doesn't always seem that way. I'm speaking from the other side as someone who suffers with anxiety and depression and I've had some pretty low times.
Now I'm in a happier time, I just wanted to say that I'm aware "we" (the people suffering) can often come across as quite selfish but I just wanted you to know that we really don't intend that and we really value those that are supporting us. I hope this makes sense?
I know just some gentle encouragement really helps- things like "I know you are feeling rubbish, but you are doing so well/you are being strong/you can do this"
Sometimes people say things like "what can I do to make you feel better?" And sometimes you genuinely can't come up with an answer and it makes you feel worse!
I hope all this makes sense?

nc555666666 · 09/02/2019 22:45

Thank you @HappyGirl86 your words are reassuring. That's fantastic advice, especially around the wording I can use!
I'm glad you're in a happier time now and long may it continue.
Thank you for taking time to reply to me it's so helpful

OP posts:
OneStepMoreFun · 10/02/2019 10:10

Totally agree with @jua890 that breaking up the routine drag of every day can help massively. Sometimes more than anything else. You have to be a little bit out of the first fog to allow that to happen, ime, but that really is the best advice as soon as he has the physicla energy to agree to do things.

OneStepMoreFun · 10/02/2019 10:12

Another thing that people with depression often find comforting to hear is: 'I know you feel dreadful now but this won't last forever. You will get through it.'

tinydancer88 · 10/02/2019 10:22

I think what has helped me is gentle, positive encouragement to try and do the things I usually enjoy.

So in the past when I've been unwell, my flatmate would bring me a cuppa and say 'in half an hour shall we go for a walk?' because that's a little thing I like to do when I'm well, and having her support meant I would actually go.

The natural inclination can be to stay in bed, but if at all possible, doing something either physically or mentally tiring during the day helps you to sleep better at night. Poor quality sleep never makes anyone feel better about anything, and the feeling of having achieved something, no matter how little, can help in the long term.

OneStepMoreFun · 10/02/2019 10:26

Another really useful thing I do when depressed (I have had dep[ression for 40 years on and off) is make an 'At Least I' list at the end of each day. You think you've spent all day in bed feeling shit but when you write the list you discover 'at least I put a wash load on, had a shower, made some fresh soup, emailed two people, did some CBT on line, browsed holidays online.'
Most of that is just being in bed zoning out on screen, but if you analyse it and find tiny points in the day when you did things that are meaningful, you start to build up a picture of yourself as someone who is trying their best. It's also a massively helpful record to look back on. I get seasonally depressed. I can check last year's 'At Least I' lists to see how I'm doing this year, and check for warning signs of depression coming back. The more 'At least I's' you have on a list, the closer you are to returning to normal life.

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