Anyone have BPD/EUPD fancy a support thread?

[TheoriginalLEM]

I am recently "diagnosed" by my GP and therapist. Not a psychologist or psychiatrist.

In week two of group therapy and the similarities between myself and the other people are staggering so im figuring im on that particular spectrum.

One of my issues (apart from crippling anxiety) is that i just don't fit in. Ive always been on the periphery.

I wonder if its because people can sense there is sonething wrong with me?

Does anyone else feel this way?

Anyone just want to chat?

Hopeful bump

My DH has BPD. He suffers from a very fractured and inconsistent sense of self. He ends up trying to fit in by emulating others but then seems to feel empty and frustrated by the interactions as he hasn't been accepted by himself. He never found group therapy particularly helpful although 1-1 therapy he liked even over the phone. Also mood stabilisers.

Thankyou - ive had lots of 1:1 counselling and its never worked really.

This is interesting but 2 sessions in and im finding it hard to accept.

My partner is amazing but doesn't understand. I came out of therapy distant and sad yesterday so he says dont go again. I knew it would be tough though

How do you feel about going back to therapy? With DH I've noticed that there are some very deep and historic issues that seem to be at the route of his issues. MIL is very dramatic and catastrophises everything. She basically makes up experiences as she goes along and has dragged her family down with forced obligation to extended family members and very outdated gender views. She's actually a very nice women but hasn't dealt with her own issues and that's then leaked into her parenting. I'm hoping that counselling will help him unravel some of this and come to terms with what people and can and cannot be to him.

Sceptical if im honest. But then i dont think i really ever got to the route of my issues. My mother sounds very much like your MIL except she actually isn't a nice person.

May i ask how your dh is with you? I can be difficult to live with

He can be difficult to live with. Sometimes he'll end up trying to recreate the drama of MIL but once he realises he's doing it he stops. He also becomes deeply upset by his parents which I totally understand because he wants them to be normal, supportive, lovely parents but they never support him the way that they should. It's always about them and their drama. He can be snappy, angry and unkind when he's in a mood. Equally he can be absolutely full of pure joy and happiness at things I may look past.

Childhood is a massive part of BPD. DH is naturally quite a sensitive soul and I think without decent role models to show him how to manage emotions and maintain healthy relationships he's ill equipped for the real world. How do you handle your relationship with your mother?

i just don't fit in. Ive always been on the periphery.

Same. I'm mid 30s and was diagnosed about 15 years ago. My symptoms are a lot more under control than they used to be but a few nights ago I had a meltdown over a family event we'll have to go to in the summer, where I'll have to see some people who trigger feelings of self hatred, generally being a loser etc. (And who I just don't like or trust or feel safe around or want to be around). I don't want DH to go either (because I have BPD and am unreasonable) but it's his family so I know I can't ask him not to, but I really don't know if I can face it and I'm going to be anxious about the bloody thing until it's over. Why can't I just be normal?

I think a lot of people feel that way so you are 'normal' although others may hide it better. There's something to be said for trusting those emotions rather than being buried under the obligation of family (MIL uses this a lot). Perhaps that's part of why you're feeling better? What has worked well for you in managing your condition?

Can't you pull a sicky and your partner can go alone?

Blackcat is right - if there is someone at an event who for whatever reason makes you uncomfortable it is perfectly normal to feel anxious about it. Alot of people will feel obliged to go anyway and try to ignore those people. Then some people will think fuck that why put myself through it. It is those people i wish i could be like.

Interestingly those feelungs of not fitting in are really on the surface for me just now. I am just starting therapy and its helping me to step back a bit and not automatically believe its because im an idiot. Well at least im trying. The group of girls at work who often make me feel this way were sat around talking about their "friend" literally ripping them to shreds. I was feeling pretty shit before that it stopped me in my tracks. I thought to myself "iits not me, its you" they do this alot - i had a much better day after that!!

Those people at the event you are going to sound similar. It sounds like they like to make others feel inferior - they have a problem. They do this to make themselves feel better about themselves. Its not you, its them!

Blackcat - very similar to your dh i think. Its a volitile relationship that i wish i could walk away from. The trouble is, she has alienated everyone else and i am literally it in terms of caring for her.

You need to reach out and reconnect with positive people in your life. Don't let yourself be isolated as that's the worst thing. DH will say that he's very social but in reality he has a lot of random online friendships with people he'll never meet and yet those who he's known in the real world for years he doesn't make an effort to socialise with. I've put my foot down and said that enough is enough as we need to socialise with people our own age who share our values.

Could you look for a new job? Your work colleagues sound awful. Just remember that they'll clearly slag off anyone and no doubt slate each other when one back is turned.

What has worked well for you in managing your condition?

A few things, I think:

1. Having therapy, mine was mindfulness based and focused on learning that it's ok to have/feel emotions without letting them spiral put of control or using unhealthy ways to hide them.

2a. Having DC. Obviously this isn't a suggestion to those that aren't ready! But having other people who I want to treat well, and, tbh, something to live for (not that those without DC don't have something for live for, but I often felt I didn't) 2b. Because of the DC, I have to put what I learned in therapy into practice. I used to self harm a lot and drink/use drugs to escape my feelings, now I can't.

1. Avoiding triggers/building a stable life. For me this means being a SAHM, having a couple of calming hobbies, getting enough sleep (that one is hard!).

Re: the family event, I don't think the people who make me feel bad mean to. I don't think I'm in any way important in their lives. They're the partners of my siblings in law, and all have interesting careers and are very confident. And I do that BPD thing of feeling two things at once (do you do that?), half of me liking this quiet little life I've created, and the other half feeling like a loser for being socially awkward and not having a career. Mostly the former side wins out, but not around them. It makes me feel "this is what you could have won if only you'd tried harder" rationally I know it's not about trying harder, but that my MH was awful through my teens and 20s.

DH has said he'll go alone if I can't face it, but admits that'll look weird. Also he'd want to take the DC anyway and i want to be able to supervise them with these people/his family in general, who are useless with kids and often upset my sensitive 7yo.

TheoriginalLEM I'm glad you're starting to feel able to think about things differently thanks to your therapy. Could you change job though? Those people don't sound very kind at all!

Not possible to change jobs at the moment as im halfway through training - only another 18 months to go - God help me! Work was my sanctuary but these people are making it a source of anxiety. One of them is supposed to be my mentor.

Thing is i lovr my job and there is literally a 5 minute walk to work. So really would hate to hsve to leave due to toxic work mates. It is a very bitchy environment to work in and extremely cliquey - one might argue that is my perception but other members of staff complain of this also.

It doesn't sound like a pleasant place to work although sometimes just a small change can make a big difference so if you want to stick at it hopefully it won't always be like this. Someone in their group will leave, get pregnant, fall out etc, and there will be a shift.

Thank you for the list of what has helped. DH has a teenage son and we have a 6 month old baby. He was pretty crap and disengaged at the beginning but has bonded more with her now. Hopefully therapy will help him. I'm also about to start my own therapy to.

I'm glad that you have discussed the option of not going to the event although I completely get what you're saying about wanting to see what's happening with the children. Try to see those people for who they are. Maybe they look down on you, maybe they don't like you, may be they think you're fab, or perhaps they don't think of you at all. See that they are just as messed up as everyone else. DHs cousins have a real air of self importance when we meet them. One most definitely has a secretly gay husband (nothing wrong with being gay of course although a bit complicated if you're married to a woman) and dysfunctional kids who are very immature (I've seen her 10 year old struddle her whilst crying that his burger had cheese in it). The other one has a very high paying job but does coke with his wife whilst their kid is in bed and doesn't see his child from a previous relationship. Once I'd pointed out to DH that he really shouldn't care what people like that think it really changed his perspective. We've made more of an effort to spend time with people with feel are positive and actually like rather those we feel obliged to see.

Black cat you are very perceptive. Your Dh is lucky to have you.

I always worry that people can sense there's something wrong with me.

I used to be quite popular as a child and teenager but coming into my late twenties I have 2 close friends who I have know over 10'years.

I am having this crisis at the moment though with going to baby groups, no one looks or approaches me and I worry if it's because they can sense I'm a bit 'off' despite trying to appear cheerful and welcoming . But with most of you with BPD know I'm longing to have friends and people to talk to and then when it happens I don't want it.
In my head I'm constantly analysing how I am acting and if I'm being 'normal' it's becoming very emotionally exhausting at the moment.

I was diagnosed two years ago at 29 and having a breakdown. I always knew something wasn't right, but I honestly didn't know and thought I was just overly emotional. My parents don't believe in mental illness which is ironic as my bad is a narcissist, so I was just told to control my emotions. I spent my life bumping from job to job, drinking and messing with drugs and then had two child which settled me to a point. After my second I had PND and had a complete breakdown, which was how I was diagnosed. I had done well in my adult life hiding my pain and using unhelpful coping mechanisms.

After being diagnosed I started DBT which has been life changing for me and made life much more bearable. To the outside world I am very 'normal' and hold down a full time job with two small children and a disabled partner.

I do still struggle a lot and have good and bad days, but I can now see my triggers and make sure I take control before it's too late. I am more in charge of my emotions and can reason much better. I know when I need to seek help and also when I need to have a break. I think I will always struggle, but for the most part I can. I still think if something really bad happened and I was put under a lot of stress that I might not cope and have another breakdown, but day to day life and general issues I can manage.

I am on the waitlist again to start DBT as I've moved areas, which I am hoping will help me more. I have also found having a creative outlet has helped me and writing a blog about it has been my therapy in a lot of ways.

@MuddledMother your story is really similar to mine. I was also diagnosed after having a baby at 28, having had a breakdown.
Years of what I thought was depression or anxiety with no real answers.

I never thought to go to the dr's as my depression never seemed to last long enough. I thought I was really sensitive, emotional and had really bad PMS which lasted month long. I wish I knew now what I know now, it would have saved so much heartache through the years. My kids have pushed me to the edge, but have also become my protective factor to keep going. It's a painful existence at times as you all know to well.

I wish i found out years ago. It would have made all the difference

@TheoriginalLEM I relate completely. I wish I was diagnosed when I was a teenager ( looking back the signs were all there , people just thought I was hyper/odd/sensitive/ etc)

At least then I would have known why I felt how I did , and maybe could have followed a different path.

Hi everyone I know this is @TheoriginalLEM thread but wondered if people wanted to keep this going !