This might be long and rambling (also outing so have NCed) so apologies in advance, but I think writing this out might be helpful to me, and I could use some advice.
I'm not sure how to start other than at the beginning. I did not have a great childhood. I remember very little of it and around five or six years ago some memories of childhood sexual abuse resurfaced. I felt for a while that I had processed this and come to terms with it but now I'm not so sure.
My last relationship was also not great. I was with him for three years and he was controlling and manipulative. He would sometimes not take no for an answer when it came to sex. If he did, he would sulk/give me the silent treatment for days, or would rant about how I must be cheating on him because I don't want to sleep with him. In the end I'd go through with it 'willingly', I'd find a spot on the ceiling or wall and stare at it until he was finished. I stayed single for five years when we broke up.
I have recently (last summer) met the most genuine, sweet, kind man who treats me right and I love him dearly. When we first started dating, having sex was great but I guess I felt as if I was playing a part. I never felt as if it was really me reacting honestly to what was happening, just a character I was playing in a way. Theatrics. In all honesty, sex has always been a bit like that for me.
The problem is that recently, my skin crawls when he touches me intimately and I feel myself withdrawing like I did when I'd stare at the ceiling with my ex. I don't feel like I can say no to him. I know logically that I definitely COULD say no to him. He has never once pressured me into sex and would probably be completely understanding if I were to say no, but the thought of saying no frightens me so much. I will sometimes not even stop him if I'm in pain.
And I hate myself. I feel like I'm lying to him every time we have sex. Sometimes, if I'm in the right mood, I enjoy sex. I get little physical pleasure from it, but I can and have enjoyed it with him. But when I'm not in the mood (most of the time) when he touches me I feel... dirty and like he's using me. I just freeze up and wait for it to be over. I participate as little as I can.
The idea of talking to him about it scares me. I know I should and, if it were about anything else I would. But sex is such a touchy subject for me. I also have BPD which means I have a chronic, debilitating fear of abandonment. I'm terrified that he will take this personally and leave me. I can't lose him.
So I guess my questions are:
How do I get over this? I can't risk ruining the best relationship I've ever had. The people who have abused me are not worth the impact they've caused on my life. I understand that it's not as simple as just 'getting over it' but where do I start? I was in therapy for the BPD up until last December, but I've just got a new full time job and the only type of therapy I can afford (free and on the NHS) takes place in office hours, so not a possibility atm.
And I know I need to tell him. Does anyone have any advice on how to start? What to say?
Thank you for reading this far.